adoption, who to choose?

Michelle-My 3rd baby due 23.3.10

Parents wanting to adopt children, in most cases cannot have children od their own, so being able to raise a child is a real blessing to them. They all go through background checks, and also checked to see if they are financially capable of bringing up a child. Your baby will be fine hun.
I know giving up a child can be heart breaking, but you are making the right choice as you will make someone so happy :)

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There is a great series on MTV called "16 and Pregnant." The last episode this season was about a couple giving their baby up for adoption. I put a link about the adoption below. Good Luck!

Krazy Beeyotch

You don't know what kind of parent anyone will make, including yourself. You just have to pray on it and follow your heart. Please don't come on here and let these people scare you that all adoptive parents abuse their kids-not so. I know plenty of birth moms that have done so.

Get counseling, get informed and then YOU decide.

ETA: 2 thumbs down (so far) for having the audacity to say b moms can abuse too...you peeps do not live in the real world. Dumb A$$es, everyone...why so many kids in foster care?

LoveMyKids!

Take the time to really ask them questions and see how interested in not only your child but if they are interested in you as well. We have an open adoption with our daughter's birth family and we consider them to be our friends. How can you not be friends if you share a child? Anyway, really try to get a good feel for them...if they have adopted before, do they keep in touch with the other family, if they haven't...you want to see photos and hear what they do for fun and what their extended family thinks about them adopting....do they have other kids? Are they excited about it? All that kind of stuff. If you want more advice, feel free to PM me. We are trying to adopt one more time and I can link you to some sites where adoptive parents (like ourselves) have profiles posted. But in the end, go with your heart. You will know who feels right for your baby.

AJ_n_Wills_Mommy

I see all these people on here bashing adoption. Adoption is a wonderful thing, most of the time. I was adopted at birth and I have had a wonderful life, raised by parents who taught me values and how to be a good person. Did I always get what I wanted? No, but my needs were always met and they always tried to give me the best. I see NO DIFFERENCE between my parents and me and my son and myself. Just because I wasn't born of my mother's womb doesn't mean that our relationship is any less powerful than my son's and mine. You can't be sure. I was adopted through an agency called The Child Placement Center of Texas and they did home-studies and we had to make a portfolio about our family when we adopted my brother. The way you know whether or not you are making the right choice is to ask yourself if you can really do it. Can you provide your child with food, running water, electricity, diapers, formula, milk, toys, AND, most importantly, love and your time? You need to be sure you can provide a stable, loving home and be able to meet his physical and emotional needs. You can't know that the parents will raise him right unless they agree to let you still have contact with them. You can, however, find an agency who will help you. If you don't like the agency, find another one until you find one that you are confident is looking after the best thing for your child. If you decide you are incapable of raising your child, the greatest gift you can give them is a loving family who can give them all the things they need. Hope this helps

SydneyLee

There is no definite way of knowing how a family will treat a child, but consider this; do you think that the family would be going through all of this and be willing to take on a child permanently if they had plans on mistreating the child?

Go with your instinct; ask questions. Are you having an open or closed adoption; maybe you can keep in touch? My best friend's little brother was put up for adoption fifteen years ago, and they are still very close because the family allows contact and visitation between the child and the biological family.

Heather

Go through an adoption agency would be best or a friend family member you really trust. If not You won't know but if I adopted a child from within the usa and the biologic parents lived here I would keep in contact and with them and let the child know at an. Let the child have contact with them if they want it of course. If your worried about that maybe your having doubts on giving your child up for adoption?
Heather

Kristie

Don't let these people scare you. This is a choice that only you can make. If you choose adoption, meet the potential parents, ask to read their homestudy, and then spend some time thinking and praying about it. I have one biological child and six adopted kids (from foster care). Three of my kids have contact with birthfamily and three do not (because we don't know where they are). Not all adoptive parents are evil people trying to steal your baby. Of course you will miss your baby if you choose adoption, but sometimes that is the best choice for everyone involved. I hope you make the best decision for you and your baby. Good luck and God bless.

Smriti

This is a risk you are taking of course but you can start about talking to them about their own childhood and their motive for adoption. You can talk to them about your own motives and fears. If they are thoughful and are good to you, perhaps they will be the same with your child.

FlyingMonkeySwatter

We are adoptive parents--I can only answer from the perspective of what our process was.

We answered any questions our daughters mother asked us--there wasn't anything out of bounds. We opened our lives and home to her. We had background checks done on ourselves to include our existing children. Honestly--she is now an extended family member and we talk all of the time. She's offered up that if we ever wanted to adopt again that she'd be the first to step up and offer to reference us as parents.

There are risks and there are no guarantees. Take your time and don't feel guilty about changing your mind when it comes to any decisions.

Paige

do not give it up to anyone emailing u for the baby i am 9m and thinking about giving him up also i talked with 4 different agencys and they all try to talk u into giving him up and how u cant do it and if ur single u cant be a good mom then i found this place called adoption by shepard care my cousin co-worker adopted from there and had a great exprience and they have been so supportiing of me i go once a wk my choice and just talk and cry and she dosent care if i keep the baby she never told me i wouldnt be a good mom she just listens and gives her advice n i have talked with counslers and they all made me feel belittled but here they are excellent

anikamarie

As far as knowing that you are making the right choice, first you have to fully understand ALL your choices. I'm not sure how far along you are with your pregnancy, but you're pretty much looking at abortion, adoption, and parenting. By the way you phrase your question it sounds like you're looking at only adoption and parenting. You should think about what you want out of your life and future, who you have to support you (in either of your decisions), what kind of resources you have around you, and what kind of life you want for your baby. I know those are all hard things, and I would advise going to try and talk to a counselor. I know Planned Parenthood offers options counseling and I'm sure there are other places for options counseling in your area.

If you still want to go with the adoption you need to think about what kind of adoption you want. There are closed, semi-open, and open adoptions. Your traditional adoption is a closed adoption. Semi-open means you should receive letters and photos concerning your birthchild, but I don't believe that you get any direct contact with the child. An open adoption means that you get to visit with the child as well as receive letters and photos throughout the child's life.
Unlike somebody previously mentioned, open adoptions are legal and binding and will stand up in court (at least on the west coast). I'm not sure if the laws vary from state to state, but as long as you sign a contract that gives you rights- there is no reason that will not be respected in a court. If you do opt for a open adoption I would consult with a lawyer beforehand.

After you decide what type of adoption you want you should look to see what agencies are available in your area. Call them, meet with them, MAKE SURE THAT YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE THERE. The most important thing is to trust your instinct. If you have any doubts or if you feel like you're being pushed at all, get out of there and try something else. You should also take into consideration what kind of screening the agency does. Most do background checks and a home study. If they don't do either of those I would find myself a new agency.

The agency will most likely give you a book of families that are looking to adopt. Read profiles, meet with them... like I said before, make sure you are comfortable. When choosing an adoptive family you will know if they are the right family.

It's a hard decision to make, I know, and nothing will ever feel great or perfect.. but if you think it through I know you'll make the best decision for yourself. Also, remember- nothing is for certain. You don't know what your future will be, what your child's will be, or how potential adoptive parents will influence your child's life and how that would be different than you raising the child. That's why you need to trust your gut as well trying to best think through the situation. Just whatever you do- don't go along with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Wellspring

The only way to have control on how your child is raised is to raise your own child.
It won't matter what your wondering about now because once you sign the papers it will be too late to do anything about your worries, no matter what happens with your child. Promises made to you beforehand are not legally enforceable.

Moe

dont do it, THAT POOR POOR BABY WILL BE SCARRED FOR LIFE AND THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN HIM AND HIS FOSTER PARENTS WILL NEVER BE GOOD!!!!!! PLEASE DONT DO IT

haram

ILOVEHIM

you should get to know the people first..and from my own head i dont think u should give ur baby up..the baby will wonder its whole life who the real family is :((

snowwillow20

You don't.

Pip

If you have so many questions then are you 100% sure you really want to surrender?

If yes then there are no guarantees and you have to live with the decision.

If no then parent.

gypsywinter

Why can't you be a mother to your own baby, raise your own child? There is no guarantee that your baby will have a better life with strangers...only a different one and that includes potential abuse as well. Adoption is a crap-shoot...think hard and long on your decision to surrender..and wait until AFTER your baby is born.

7rin

It is impossible to know whether you have "made the right choice" until many years down the line, and you can look back with 20/20 hindsight.

If you are this concerned, I suggest you read the following two articles before making your final decision:

http://lifemothers.com/thewall.html
http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/03/breaking-silence-on-living-pro-lifers.html

LinnyG

There are no guarantees with adoption. Also, keep in mind that "open adoption" is NOT legally enforceable. Its a ploy adoption agencies/prospective adoptive parents use to get women to surrender their children. They usually close the door, move/change their phone number, and there is NOTHING you can legally do.

A baby wants his or her natural mother- NOT things.

I was once in your shoes. It is scary. Your baby does not want to be raised by strangers...only by YOU.

Please do NOT give your child up for adoption. The pain will last an entire lifetime, for you and YOUR BABY.

Please read the facts about adoption and how it will more than likely affect YOUR BABY and YOU. If you decide to continue with your pregnancy, your child deserves to be loved and raised by YOU. Adoption does NOT guarantee a better life, only a different one.

Also, do NOT contact anyone who has asked you to, or who has emailed you already. They are greedy vultures who want to make money off your baby, or want that baby for themselves.

Here are some links that can help you keep your baby. There also links that will show you how adoption affects a Mother and her child..

http://www.cubirthparents.org
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVn...
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org
http://www.amfor.net/acs
http://www.origins-usa.org
http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/
http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

Books:
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton
The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

Anha S

You don't know. There are no guarantees, its an absolute crapshoot. You may never know. The only way to know how your child is being treated and raised the way you want them raised is to raise him or her yourself. A homestudy isn't going to guarantee your child goes to someone stable, sane, and capable.

I was an abused adoptee. It really does happen. And as others have said, open adoptions aren't legally enforceable and agencies often use open adoption as a baited line.

I wish you well.

grapesgum

You don't know. There are no guarantees unless you raise your child yourself.

life is like the ocean

You have no way of knowing whether the parents you choose will raise your child right. It is a crapshoot. The daughter I gave up for adoption was placed in a very abusive home. She was their human punching bag. Not the life I envisioned for her, and was promised. I thought she was getting the best of everything, and she was being brutalized. I am not suggesting that this happens frequently, I am just stating....it DOES happen.

The only way your child can be raised the way YOU want him/her raised....is to do it yourself.

Your child wants YOU. Your child knows ONLY YOU. Your infant child will suffer when he/she is ripped from your arms and given to strangers. This wound will follow your child for life. You will also be scarred for life. It is a huge and brutal trauma to lose a child in this manner, and you will never be the same. You will not get over it. As a matter of fact, the grief will intensify as you grow older. Your life will be a slow torture without your child.

This IS the life you will be chosing when you chose adoption. I know, I live it. I would not wish this on anyone.

Also....I hope that you know that open adoptions are not enforceable. You will be promised one, but chances are very strong it will never happen. This is something that agencies fail to tell young mothers. The contact that these natural moms are counting on for survival and peace of mind rarely happens. It is akin to being treated as a human incubator. You have no rights. You are a non-person. An end to a means, and disposed of when the goods are gotten. That is the hard cold truth. It might be hard to hear, but it is even harder to live it.

Talk to natural moms who have lived with adoption for years on end. You will hear what your life will be like if you chose adoption. Don't listen to people that have not lived it. They have no idea what it is like.

Keep your baby!

tish_part deux

"how do i know the parents will raise my child right and not be stage parents and do a worse job then me??"

you don't. that's the risk of adoption. if you are concerned about this, i'd seriously rethink your decision.

good luck.

â™¥luv*my*babyâ™¥

you dont know that, thats the risk you take when you put your child up for adoption.

DevonChaos

you will never know what kind of parents they will be. That is the risk with adoption. My a-mother was approved to adopt, they had money, could provide all the material things that my first mother probably thought she couldn't.
My adoptive mother provided me with lifelong abuse, and has permanently scarred my body. She was the "loving alternative" selected for me when my first mother decided to give me up.
My opinion? Choose yourself. You are what this baby knows. You are what this baby needs.

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