don't you know you are hurting both your parents?

Seba U

Not only do they not know they are doing this. But they also don't care that they are hurting both parents. If you don't believe me just read the answers and questions in this forum.

DropsOfJupiter

ooo haha good point. They ARE hurting the birthparents too. I don't think they ever thought about that...

sizesmith

I pray that when the time comes, my adopted son will ask me to meet his first mom, and that she will one day come to love him back into her life.

I expect that he will fuss at me for one reason or another. All kids do that. It's a power struggle, and the stronger your kids are, the more you'll struggle with them in some ways, and in others, they'll be closer to you.

I'd probably be more upset that he didn't have the intelligence to understand that life didn't deal him a perfect family, and that adoption has it's ups, but it also has it's downs. We'll just love him no matter what, and deal with every day one day at a time.

Pip

That is a load of crap you're coming out with.

My son didn't hurt his adoptive parents by searching as they were actively encouraging him to search and offered to help him. He hurt them by NOT telling them although they had their suspicions. This was confirmed 4 months short of 4 years into reunion as he was living with us by then and we were having major problems. My husband, who isn't his dad incidently, rang them and they were so relieved that the truth was out.

They will always be his parents, he loves them but on the other hand I am alo one of his mothers. I also earned the right to be called mum although he was doing that anyway early in to reunion.

My son never told me my choice for him wasn't good enough. He found out I was coerced and it is questionable I signed anything. What I went through was a forced adoption and illegal but I didn't know this until it was too late.

BTW you are making assumptions well go get a life because you are making wild ones. I don't know you and you don't me so don't stereotype me, any adoptive parents or any adoptees because we tell the truth of our own situations. You don't have a clue about my life, my son's or his adoptive parents who aren't the stereotyped infertile couple as they could have children and did have a son.

Ferbs

...and you know this because?????

You can't possibly know. Children in all families have needs to be addressed. This is not only true for adoption.

But it's especially true in adoption.

Sheesh.

BOTZ

The life they gave me wasn't good enough -- and they KNOW this. They don't agree (few abusers do) but they are WELL AWARE that I find my upbringing by them totally unacceptable.

My natural parents know good and well that I am not happy that I am adopted. They are not happy about it either. The choice they made for me was not good enough -- a fact that we all agree on.

Yes I know it COULD "hurt" them, whether is does or not is known only to them (not you, not me, not anyone else). Yes, I care but that doesn't negate my right to say that something hurt/s ME. MOST normal, caring people want to know when they have hurt someone -- then, at least, they have the chance to make amends... or even just apologize.

You, "cycle", do not know me nor any of my parents. Even I don't know if my adoptive parents are "hurt" by my "fuss[ing] about being adopted" because I have never asked. THAT I do not care about because *I* did not ask to be adopted. I did not request that THEY adopt me. I never wanted any part of it. If I "fuss" about something that THEY did to me (and, yeah, I do mean ALL of them)... well, that's what they signed up for -- even if they didn't know it at the time.

I have every right to "fuss" about an atrocity that was perpetrated against me at the most vulnerable moment in my entire life. Just because I speak about the bad/dark/ugly side of adoption does not mean I don't care how it affects people's feelings. I have considered it but I will not "be quiet" anymore. I have done that for long enough.

I was quiet when I was abandoned. I was quiet when I was purchased. I was quiet when I was beaten. I was quiet when I was told to 'be grateful' that I was being abused by strangers when all I wanted was to be with my own, natural family.

I am done being quiet.

Yes I know. Yes I care. I'm talking about it anyway. I'll "fuss" at every opportunity until I have no "fuss" left in me.

And... there's not thing one you can do about it.

Cambria

1-You have no idea what my relationship with my (a)parents is like and don't presume to think you know. My parents are very supportive of me and my seeking to figure out my own adoption issues. Their only regret is that they were led to believe by the adoption agency that there would be no issues at all so they were unprepared to handle them when they first arose.

2-The choice to put me up for adoption was not made by either of my bio-parents. It was made by my maternal bio-grandmother because she was afraid of the embarrassment a pregnant teenage daughter would cause. She forced my bio-mom to put me up for adoption and kept her from telling my bio-dad about the pregnancy so that he "wouldn't interfere" (i.e. try to keep me).

So don't presume to know anything about my families or about how they feel about adoption. You don't know me, my situation, my (a)parents or my bio-parents. So yes, How dare you.

dowhanawi

My real parents didn't have a choice, I was stolen from a loving family because of an government policy that the usa and canada had to help assimilate Native kids by taking us (80% in my generation) and placing us in white christian homes.

The "life" my adopted parents gave me was one of racism. I didn't get through a day with out them being racist towards me. I don't call that a "fuss" and I don't care how they feel. I will talk about it so that people become educated about it and hopefully one day there will be no more cross cultural adoptions

dontknow86

So, What is your point. Go around and act happy?

Andraya - Snark's Sister

Oh believe me they all KNOW my life and their choices weren't good enough.

Wynter

Dude whats your problem? I am adopted and my parents dont give a crap if i talk about what you call my "first parents" You have it all wrong. What the heck is this "1st parent buisness"??? My parents are the ones who raised me! My birth parents are the ones who had me. I have NEVER in my life referred to my birth parents as my "first parents" they were never parents to me! Parents take care of you. you need to get your facts straight.

are you a mom of someone adopted?? what do you expect? them not to wonder??? do you expect them to be happy and excited they are adopted? do you expect them to never talk about it. If youre so hurt then why did you adopt in the first place...didnt you know this was comming??

Candy Corn

oh well...

Alexis Orlowski

Being the person who was adopted you are basically expected to ask questions. I have always asked questions about my adoption and I talk to my birth mother. Although, my adoptive mother does not seem to like this it is my right. When you are not adopted you know who your birth mother and father are so should you not have that right with an adoption. I believe that if you are the adoptive parent you need to lighten up because it is expected. You should be supporting and kind not hostile.

a healing adoptee

umm, who are you? How dare you come on here and pass your judgement. The people who you say are fussing are the ones who: 1. are in reunion with their bop parents, 2. state there are needed reforms in the adoption industry so no one gets taken advantage of. 3, want their original birth certificates and 4. are actively searching for their bio families. It is people like you that make me so angry! You feel that all adoptees should feel the same way, forget our bio families, never think about them. people lie you feel that no reforms are needed that way the adoption industry can abuse both adoptive parents and biological parents alike. I LOVE my adoptive parents. i had their support thru my whole life and on top of that they were secure enough with themselves to help me in my search. STOP coming on here and telling us how we should feel. oh by the way not all adoptive parents are as nice as mine were, some have abused their children. it has been on the news.You are horrible.

kidmindi

Guess what? Both of my mothers agree that my adoption was painful for me. My adoptive mom, before her passing, finally admitted that she handled my adoption all wrong when she lied about it. SHe also admitted that she really did not want to adopt me, it was my adad's idea.

My first mom never wanted me to be adopted in the first place. It was something she regrets to this day.

SO when I b*tch about my adoption, my moms agreed with me.

blank stare

I'm not telling my parents anything. I'm telling the world that it should rethink this whole "erase children's identities and make pretend that they were born to other people." I'm telling our society that this cavalier treatment of its children is wrong.

My parents are just fine, thanks.

Fuaite le fuil, gaolta go deo

Too effin bad. I'm a human being, I shouldn't have been sold to strangers. My nmom made a mistake and she would be the first to admit it because she regretted it almost immediately. My amom made the decision to disregard my feelings, she has no right to feel bad because I'm the one who lost everything from the start. Why should us adoptees bear the burden of keeping our APs happy?? I've got enough on my plate, I'm done playing 'house'.

7rin

Your lack of knowledge in unastounding.

Anha S

I'm so glad that I have someone to tell me how everyone feels! Really takes the guess work out of things! So wonderful for you to speak on everyone else's behalf, I'm sure they all appreciate you clearing things up. Srsly.

And for the record, the life my AP gave me wasn't good enough. They abused me. So if they feel maligned by me "fussing" about my adoption, I really could care less. But they don't feel maligned. They know they messed up huge.

gypsywinter

""you are also telling your 1st parents that the choice they made for you was not good enough.""

I am as you say a '1st parent' and I for one, did not give you the right to speak for me as a '1st parent' or for you to ever assume that you would know what I think of my 'choice'. You can speak to your own adoption, am assuming as an adoptive parent, but that is all you can speak to. Even if you yourself were a '1st parent', still would not give you the right to speak for ALL '1st parents'. If you are not an apar, not an adult adoptee, nor a '1st parent', what makes you believe that you can speak to anything related to adoption?? Are you a PAP? If you are, you should never be allowed to adopt, ever.

You are baiting and demeaning people, intentionally. Get a life!

DevonChaos

Well, being that they are the "adults" in the situation, they should fully understand that it has nothing to do with displeasure with our upbringing.

LinnyG

Tough. I didn't sign up for this.

H******

Thanks for your concern but actually both my mothers are right on board and both have a bad taste in their mouth about the American Adoption Industry

In fact my Natural mother and adoptive mother are lobbying and supporting the restoration of adoptee rights to their own 'secret' sealed birth records so that adoptees don't have to go through the dehumanizing and discriminatory treatment of attempting to get a Court Order to merely gain access to their own record of birth!

It's nothing to do with 'not being good enough' Hogwash

SJM

I'll be sure to tell my parents how you believe they should feel.

Ricci

Really? I am? And you spoke to my mother and father and my birth parents about this? How wonderful! Then I guess my mom and dad (Yes... my MOM and DAD!) and they told you how they have supported my need to search and my need to connect with my birth parents from the beginning. I would also assume they spoke to you at great length about how they each sought out seperate counseling to make sure that my Mexican brother was never in a position to feel in any way ostracized or apart from his adoptive caucasian family. Did they also talk to you about the 3 hours we all spent crying together when we found out that I had been robbed of a chance to grow up with my twin sister? Or maybe you just spoke to my birth father... the wonderful man that spent his entire adult life lighting birthday candles once a year for a child he had stolen from him. Maybe he showed you the box of cards and letters he wrote so that I would always know he loved me and was thinking of me. Perhaps he showed you the family photos with his wife (not my birthmother) and my half siblings that always had a particular teddy bear holding a rose for the child that he felt should be there. EVERY family photo. That bear was even at his wedding. Let me tell you what I told my parents and my birth parents...
I told my parents that I love them. I told my parents that I was so blessed to have a family that loved me and raised me so well. I told them that this was not about them, but about my need to know where my heritage was, to see my features on someone else's face. I told them that because they had done such a wonderful job raising me and loving me and teaching me, I was strong enough in myself to know I needed to find these answers. I told my birth father that I was so thrilled that I got the chance to know him before he passed. That I was trully blessed to be loved and accepted by two families, not one. I told him that I was raised and loved by wonderful people. Even though he lost his battle with cancer, I am still in close contact with my half siblings. I didn't leave one family for another, my family just got bigger. My mom and dad love my new family members becuase they love me, just like they understood that my search wasn't about them, it was about me.

I'm sorry that you can't love your child enough to understand that it's not about you, it's about them. I guess I'm lucky that my parents and my birth father aren't that selfish.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: