i discovered i was adopted today, im 15 they didnt even tell me, why dont people tell their kids?

Dustmite

They didn't want you to learn the truth that you weren't really part of the family, therefore, they don't love you.

Maggs

I suppose they thought that at 15 you were mature enough to understand. Just remember that they chose to have you when they adopted you, so you are pretty special to them.

Ted Sheckler

They did tell you! That's why you're so upset.

They figured you were old enough to handle it. They don't love you any less because of it. Lots of people are adopted, or are raised by aunts & uncles, or grandparents, or family friends.

Tati

well most people dont tell little kids because lets face it how can you explain that concept to a 5 year old, and then i guess the parents just start waiting for "the right time" and i cdan see why it could be hard to determine when that is

sinwalk2

what age do you think they should have told you?

daisy65

Do you still love your parents, they are the ones who raised you, if your life was great before they told you nothing has to change, it will still be great, if its not an open adoption then probably your bio mom wanted that way, i have
4 cousins that are adopted and its not in my place to tell them they are way older than you arre and i love them
to death, we dont look anything alike im blonde,green eyes and shes almost black but i wouldnt change one thing
between us, i carried her for the first time when i was just 14, now shes in her 30s, a child of her own, my uncles have decided not to tell her , i dont know maybe shes already knows but i doubt it, she wouldbe asked me something we are inseparable, just keep that bond with both parents still strong and maybe when youre 18 you can ask some info about your bio mom just for yur self. Good luck.

Naomi

If they don't have the balls to tell you when you're about three, it must be excruciatingly difficult to tell a child that your not their biological parent. Maybe they thought you'd understand with a little more maturity.
Anyway, your parents love you, and raised you all the same, and it's probably killing them just as much, because they know it's their fault.

Poppymeadow

They probably though that they would wait until you was at a age when you could understand that, and about 15 is a good age, your not too young then, they did not want to spoil your childhood, with the complication, because issues with people can get very complicated about their births and histories and things like that.

kennebunklmt

I'm so sorry :( I agree with most of the answers that they most likely couldn't find the 'right time' to tell you. There is never an easy time to bring it up, but that's not an excuse. I also agree that they are hurting a lot too right now and I am sure they want to discuss it with you and hear you out.
You have every right to be hurt and angry.
Just remember that they do love you and had (I hope) good intentions with the choice they made.

This is why we have already told our daughters that they are adopted. We have had them since infants as foster children and adopted them both at about age 2.
We talk about their adoptions in the hopes that they will grow up with it just being a part of them and not get a huge shock like you have.

God Bless

Aly

A lot of parents think that you wont love them the same if you know. Also when you're younger you dont understand it as well.

johnrymel

i guess they think that its easier to tell the kids when the kids are older, but not the case. sorry.

lilly pad

You can explain to a little kid that running out in front of car would kill them. You just say if they do it they will get hurt, or in trouble. Telling kids they are adopted is hard when they are young to understand that concept. WHat is the right magic number they think? There isnt one. What if they never told you and one day when you were alot older like 20,30,40 and you found out on your own than you would be mad they never told you and felt they lied. At least they were open and honest and did it at a time they thought you were old enough to understand.
Just be happy you have a family that loves and cares about you and maybe in a few years you can have two sets of parents. Look at it that way.

Trisha

i knew since day one i was adopted im 15 too but i wish i didnt know it made it so i always wanted to find my mom if a kid doesnt know till later it saves them from feeling not wanted, i am in contact with my bio mom and i found out she is selfish and just did not want me. be glad u didnt find out till now just talk to them try to understand why they didnt tell u every 1 has ther eown reason

ttc#1 with pcos

if you try and tell that to a child they just wouldnt understand most people wait till they are 16-18 to tell them or if they find out before but my sister was adopted ...people give their kids away most of the time for good reason either they wouldnt be able to provide for them and wanted to see them grow up in a good home or they were much to young if you think about it the other way adoption is WAY better than abortion be lucky you have a great familly that raised you good

Serene E

Well, ask them what happened. Then think about it. If you want to talk about it, talk about it.

Rylans Mommy <3

Hey, I'm also 15 but i wasnt adopted or anything i actually gave birth last week and gave my OWN baby up for adoption, as i am really young and now i regret it, my son is gonna be feeling just like u feel right now in 15 years time.

myst1998

Please don't write off searching for your mother. You have no idea of what happened and why you were placed. There are many mothers I have met with children your age where the mother was persuaded, bullied, threatened and coerced to sign the papers.

All I am saying is don't assume you were unwanted (although it is more than understandable you feel that way). Wait until you are ready and then try to find out the why.

I am sorry you found out so late. Its wrong for adoptive parents not to tell the child they adopt the truth of their origins. The reasons why people don't tell are multiple and I wouldn't want to assume in your case.

Alexander

Well some parents think that it might hurt thier child to know that they are adopted. Im adopted and ive known for my whole life. Have you asked ur parents why they didnt tell you.

mumoffour

They probably wanted to protect you, my little girl is adopted although shes only three but I have chosen to talk about it from the start however my dads parents chose to tell him when he was 12 which like you caused a lot of pain and upset, your parents will have just been trying to do whats best for you, try to understand from their point of view as well, I know its hard right now because your so upset but they must have had their reasons for not telling you sooner, sit down and talk with them, keep calm and ask them why they left it till now. Its not the end of the world, no matter what they love you and always will, of course now you will have lots of questions that need answering and with time and patience you can work through them.

YankeeFanatic

Some people are too uncomfortable. But the truth will have to come out sooner or later. And later is not the best time to do it.

Da cutie

idk why theyd lie to you..did you ask before? and your not unwanted by your bio. mom she probably couldnt afford a baby and wanted a better home for you than she could provide

Mike

thats a very hard thing to talk to a child about, they probably figured you would be able to handle it when you were older. Maybe they were also afraid you wouldnt love them as much or something. But at least they did tell you. Talk this out with them.

minimouse68

Im so sorry, I cant imagine what the impact would be, learning this at such a late age. I have always known that I was adopted. I cant ever remember some big announcement being made, it was just part of my everyday life. As far as Im concerned all adoptive parents should have to tell their adopted children right from the start so that it doesnt come as a big horrid shock, it is perfectly natural for you to be hurt and angry when at 15, a time of emotional upheaval anyway, your parents drop this on you.

Cleopatra

I'm sorry to read your story. Why do people do the stupid things they do? Because people are people, we make mistakes. I'm sure your parents did not want to hurt you. However, your parents are uneducated about 'adoption' so you need to pick up a copy of, "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew," by Sherrie Eldridge, and give it to your parents. If this doesn't work, put them through the shock tank and get them a copy of "The Primal Wound," by Nancy Verrier. Good luck and remember that people make mistakes, but people can be enlightened!

Jennifer L

They should have told you the truth from Day One. I don't blame you for feeling hurt, upset and angry. Likely, I would feel the same way.

dontknow86

They should of told you from the get go. Im sorry they lied to you all these years.

sizesmith

When you were born, the internet didn't exist for most people in their homes. Education about adoptee's feelings, and for all in the adoption triad was almost nil.

Adoptive parents had asked their parents, who'd talked or seen friends who'd adopted. Personal feelings weren't discussed even 15 years ago, like we can now discuss through anonymous postings on the internet. Adoption has come quite a long way, even though there's several more things that people really need to be educated on.

100 years ago, if you were orphaned, one would be sent to an orphanage, where they were often adopted by families only to fall into situations similar to endentured servitude, working for families, almost like slaves. Boys were highly sought so they could work. Girls were taken into homes where there were many boys, and there they did the manual labors of washing and cooking, etc. The stigma that this brought into being adopted was horrible, and through the years, that stigma hasn't left until the last few generations. For those who loved their children, it was then thought that by raising them as their own children, and not telling, that it would free them from the adoption stigmas that shouldn't have ever existed.

Parents learn to parent from their parents that raise them, and genetics have a lot to do with it to. It's been this way since the beginning of time, and until we educate adoptive parents both in foster and private adoptions about the feelings and what adoptive parents should do, it will continue to a point. I feel that your parents did what they thought would be best for your situation, even though through the years, we've discovered that late discovery isn't healthy mentally.

There's been many comments in previous questions that it's selfishness in adoptive parents to raise a child as their own. There are a few rare cases of this, but more than likely, most are because of lack of education on the emotional well-being of those involved in adoption. The only way you'll know why your parents waited so long is to ask them. Chances are, they thought they were doing best for you, even if the information was revealed in a bad moment. Hopefully, they'll be supportive in finding your biological parents in the future, and hopefully, you and they can work out some forgiveness for the way this has turned out. My prayers are with you!

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