"Gotcha Day" celebration?

Mummy to a cheeky monkey

The idea of a "gotcha day" celebration isn't a bad thing, it's the way she is doing it. I think it would be a great thing to celebrate with their family but I don't really think it is appropriate to have a celebration at his school.

Serenity71

If she wants to celebrate the day he was adopted that's her business. It sounds more like a family thing to do than to invite his friends. Maybe not at school though, unless he requested it, ask her for more information as to why she's doing it at school and not at home. You might end up private messaging her so its not all over face book the responses. We do a small family 'party' on the day my daughters came home with us, buts also a day for telling their story, opening up channels for questions. I don't hide it like its something we should be ashamed of. And its not a 'Gotcha day'. Its just our day we don't have name for it.

Edit; I just don't like the term 'Gotcha' for anything. I talk to teenage adoptee's who are very open about their feelings good and bad when it comes to adoption, they were in my house the day my eldest daughter came home helping us from foster care. I was asked if we were doing anything for her since its soon! If not, why not. one of the boys even reminded me about it. I'll ask him when i see him next what his views are on it since apparently he's wrong to feel positive about it or not hate the day he was adopted, and the other younger adoptee's I know and how they feel, since they're being told how they should feel....and this time not by parents.

Time to get outta here!!!!!!

monkeykitty83

I think a small family acknowledgment of the date the child was adopted can be appropriate if the celebration is actually meaningful to the child. For example, a kid who bounced around the foster system waiting for a family, or a child who was in an orphanage until school-age. Basically, a child who was old enough at the time of the adoption to remember it, and to have strong feelings about having the occasion marked.

I don't think a school celebration is appropriate. It's a time for family, not the whole planet.

I don't think the term "Gotcha Day" is appropriate. It makes the child sound like an object, and focuses on the actions and feelings of the parent rather than of the child or the family as a whole. I prefer something more like "Family Day."

I don't think this kind of celebration is necessary for a child adopted as an infant or toddler, who doesn't remember the adoption as a meaningful event in itself with a specific date that needs to be marked. A child who doesn't consciously know any other situation wouldn't attach the same meaning to the day he/she was adopted, because he/she wasn't an active participant at the time. If the child later wants a celebration, that's fine, but I don't think that should be assumed, as it could make a child who has lived with you for all of his/her conscious memory feel excluded from the family or awkward.

I do think some children (mainly those who were in foster care or an institution until an older age) benefit from the family celebrating and acknowledging their place and arrival. But I don't think it's appropriate in all cases, and I don't think school is ever the place for it. If it happens, it should be at home.

hpfreak080

My parents and I 'celebrate' my adoption day every year (with a cupcake usually lol). We don't call it 'gotcha day' or do anything at my school or anything like that. I, personally, don't have a problem with anyone knowing I was adopted (maybe her kid doesn't have a problem with it either).

I don't think it's 'horrifying'. It's just a celebration of when the family actually came to be...I know I'll get TD'd to death over this answer, but I really don't see the problem if it's something to child has no problem with (or wants).

ETA: granted, I was/am rather reserved and having an all out celebration would have embarrassed me, but maybe this kid is cool with it/wants it. My 'adoption day' things with my parents were also way less than for birthday (I've had b-day parties, go out to dinner w/parents every year, get presents, etc. but none of that for my adoption day except dinner a couple of times lol)

Spotty-Dotty

I don't disapprove of adoption but this is wrong.. "gotcha" like he was running away and she got him?! I think it's kind of sick and weird that she's celebrating it at the child's school. Kids can and will be cruel.

snowwillow20

If an amom wants to celebrate gotcha day then that is ok with me and none of my business but to do it at school is just plain wrong.

casttostrangers

Mine day was called by a different term. But just as nauseating

Celebrating the day I lost who I was meant to be.
Never made sense to me

Wundt

Some families do, some don't. We don't. But, that is their family and their choice.

It does seem she is going overboard, and I personally would never make such a big deal about it.

Wannabe Swan

That's just terrible.

I would probably shoot myself if my APs would have done that. But good thing they didn't care enough to remember my birthday. :)

That parent needs to be given parenting classes. Kids are so cruel that they'd pick on him for being different since kids do things like that. They'll know he's different because of that and trust me kids use that as propaganda against you. Kindergarten is a jungle!

I really think that APs need to learn adoption parties will not win you mom of the year awards, EVER!

This is why I'm bitter,
Bitter adoptee â™¥

Heather ~ Not a Perfect Mom ~

Oh that poor child. While it may seem fun to him now to be the center of attention at school, I bet this is going to lead to being teased at some point. Kids can be so mean and even his best friend will throw it in his face during a childish fight.

If she insists on celebrating, it should not be done at school.

I won't even go into my feelings about *gotcha* day...

Ibn Zayd

For those of us from the orphanage here in Lebanon, most of our birthdays are set to prominent Catholic holidays that we were likely born "on or around".

When i recreate the timeline from the day I was "begotten" into one family to the day I was gotten (ugh) by another, it reveals a devastatingly sad story of likely procurement, not abandonment; I was not "chosen", and thus "gotcha" rings very trite and very hollow.

The whole concept of "Gotcha Day" saddens me infinitely. For again it celebrates not the child, but the action of the parents. It reduces something very complex and multilayered into a cartoon parody; it forces something private (especially to a young child--I remember not wanting anyone to know) into a public sphere that is not always welcoming of such a fact (the first question I was asked in school was: "Why are you brown?").

I'm glad it wasn't around when I was young; I don't know that I'd be able to forgive my adoptive parents such a thing.

Diya

That makes him sound like a possession.

Adopted kids are, and should be, like your bio kids. Yeah, they may not be your flesh and blood but you have nurtured and raised them, and they probably love you and you love them.

But this kind of sounds like the day she bought him.

Birthdays are a beautiful occasion...why can't she just celebrate that rather than instead of making her child feel alienated?

BlackSea

I fully agree with you.

In my view, adoption is a private family endeavor and should only be announced on a need-to-know basis. No sense of trumpeting it to all and sundry. By doing that, the adoptive parents seem to want to draw attention to themselves, as in, see how noble and caring we are, we adopted a child.

You're going about it the right way.

AnnaBelle

I was a shy kid (ha! betcha didn't guess that! :-P), and something like this would have been DEVASTATING for me, and I'm not even an adoptee...When I've heard about these "parties", I've actually had feelings of "little girl shyness" creep into the pit of my stomach, and felt pangs of humiliation, fear and anxiety. It would have been my worst nightmare.

I would NEVER, EVER, EVER do something like this.

I think this makes the adoption about the parents and not about the kid, not realizing that their adoption is THE CHILD'S story to tell, not theirs.

I realize that parents are happy in these moments, and in F.C. adoption, it happens when the child is older, so they may feel compelled to celebrate it. But, FFS, celebrate it AS A FAMILY! And, FFS, don't call it "Gotcha Day". Ugh. The kid is not something you won at an auction. It's Just. So. Tacky.

SJM

My amom would have never done something like that, and I really doubt if the school would have allowed it. But if she had somehow managed to conceive this idea and get the treats to school, I would have ground a gear. It would have been a less than enjoyable experience for everyone involved.

Mom to Foster Children

WOW! Yeah, this is creepy at least to me. We didn't celebrate anything AS my son didn't want a party after the adoption. What we did instead is the three of us + his best friend went and rented some movies and video games and had a bar-be-que - not much different than what we normally do. To me, this just screams - lets single "Jeff" out and make it known to everyone that he is different in some way!

Jennifer L

I agree with you. I don't really believe in "grandstanding" adoption (especially international adoption). I don't think there should be a huge reception at the airport with balloons, banners and newspaper reporters for coming home.

If the children want to mark the day they became a family, that's fine. Mine did the first two years, but on the third year, playing with friends was more important. And that was fine with us. But celebrations should be low-key, in my opinion, if they happen at all. It doesn't need to be advertised.

My children would not like a huge party at their school, I know THAT for sure.

Tonia

I think it should stay out of the school, yes, most definitely.

drkangel210e

I know I wouldn't have liked that one bit when I as a child, but that was me. If he asked her to throw a party for his friends, I can see why she'd do it. As an adoptee myself I would probably be worried whether he was trying to use 'gotcha day' to erase the part of himself that's connected to the birth mother. If he wants to celebrate a new chapter in his life, that's one thing. Erasing part of yourself isn't healthy... She probably wouldn't think about this, though, as she's not adopted.

If she's doing this without him explicitly asking, she's setting him up for problems in the future. Kids can be very cruel, and it's not a good idea to make a bit thing out of differences they can't possibly understand. If he wants to share his story with a friend, that's one thing. Parading it in front of the class is another. Also, he might get the impression that she is denying the validity of his birthday or, if he experiences any emotional problems due to adoption, he might think she's celebrating a day that caused him pain.

Pip

I understand the concept of Gotcha Day but I hate it with a vengeance. It's bad enough that a child has to deal with being adopted even whan it's in their interest without the added stigma of being reminded of the day they were adopted. Adoption should always be about the child not the parents celebrating they adopted. My son's aparents never made a big issue of it, didn't celebrate by having a Gotcha Day as his birthday was far more important.

Completely creeps me out.

Lady Rowan

Wow. i am so grateful my parents never did anything like this. how embarrassing for that boy.

i get that shes wanting to share her joy with others, but that is not the way to do it.

kateiskate is getting married

I feel like that would be really embarrassing! To have it at school and everything??? I remember being in elementary school and other kids asking me what I did to make my real mom give me away. Or why my real mom didn't want me. I would hate it if my mom brought a full scale celebration of adoption to school.

I mean, maybe she's excited about it, but HE'S the one who was adopted and it's HIS class. Not hers. Ugh this bothers me.

DevonChaos

I think those kinds of things are celebrations for the parents, not for the kids. I know that as an adoptee, the thought of having a party like that thrown in "my honor" while I was young, is horrifying. Not to mention that it is at school, where my adopted status was no one business but my own. I feel sorry for the kid.

a healing adoptee

i don't like the term "gotcha", it gives the feeling that we adoptees are objects instead of people.

ssandydem

creeps me out.. gotcha sounds like a prank not a brought u home kinda thing. if the kid is already disliked at the school this will give the kids one more thing to rag on him for. if he is likes it can still hurt. suggest kindly to the parent that she talk to the child about it and really obey? his wishes on this. if the party is already planned at the school make it a late labor day or unbirthday for all the kids don't single him out. i think this is a cruel thing to do but i was never popular. i was not adopted but i don't think kids like that kind of attention drawn to themselves and it should be their choice not the parents.they do a lot of harm "meaning well". hope this helps

life is like the ocean

I think it is in very poor taste. I recently read somewhere that a child's biggest fear during the school day, is to be humiliated in front of his/her peers. Sounds like this child is going to have to develop a very thick skin.

Possum

Yeah - just one more way to feel different.
Thank goodness my adoptive parents never did this.
Saddest thing is - this child will have to act all happy and bright - 'cuz adoptees should be exceedingly happy about being saved from the dumpster - right???

PFFFFTTTT - too too too many adoptive parents have NO idea how much this stuff hurts us adoptees.
It's just all about the sunshine and rainbows for them.
None give a thought to what the adoptee lost in order to fulfill their fertility dreams.

LinnyG

That's disgusting. Way to go, Mom, for having a party at school to celebrate the day your son lost his family, culture, heritage, language and country. Does Carvel make an ice-cream cake for that? I wonder if she will have napkins printed with his original birth certificate?? Doubtful...

"Happy Gotcha day to you, happy gotcha day to you, be happy and grateful, you're the chosen one, that's you...."

(I will be happy to record my song and put it on your facebook page ;) )

Anha S

Unless the kid specifically asked for this (and even then, just because a kid wants something doesn't mean it's best for him or her...) that is completely and utterly atrocious.

Aside from my feelings on "gotcha" day celebrations (which quite frankly turn my stomach) kids can be mean. Reaaaaaaally mean. This is like handing a pack of children ammunition. Singling someone out in such a way that isn't a birthday seems awful. I dunno if it could be a good thing. Again, kids can be mean, and this child may be reaping the "rewards" of the gotcha day celebration for a good long while. And I wouldn't say it is calling attention to adoption in a good way either. Especially with the terminology being used.

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