why are pap's so defensive?

RoVale

Technically, they are buying a baby when they try to ply the mother-to-be with expensive gifts, cost-of-living expenses, and pay off all her hospital bills in an effort to get her to choose them as the people who will adopt her baby over the dozens of other couples who also want that baby. Sometimes the mother-to-be is more interested in how much money the couple has than whether they would make good parents and choose them based on that.

I think that's what the original poster was talking about. There's a lot of competition for a particularly desireable baby and I know it sounds awful but money talks.

Proud Adoptee

Okay - as an adoptee I am the one offended by your question! My parents would have every reason in the world to become defensive when hearing your question!

Purchased a baby? No - my parents didn't "purchase a baby". They purchased (in your words) a child who was mentally and physically abused, came with tons of baggage and emotional problems, and raised me with so much love and understanding that I don't know how they did it some days! If they "purchased" me, they should have been "entitled" to a refund! That's for sure! But instead, they opened their hearts, their home, and their lives to a fragile child who can never thank them enough!

btownznd

Children are very expensive to raise......any and every parent must "pay for the child" for the rest of it's life.
If you want to throw mud and start a fight go elsewhere.

But thanks for the two points.

Laurel J

Because that would be slavery. But let's face it--supplies are limited. Whether you "buy the baby" or "pay fees," nobody can deny that it costs a lot of money to adopt these days, particularly if you insist on adopting the elusive healthy white infant.

Some of the answers you're getting appear a bit on the defensive side to me. I wonder if any of them are coming from the same set of PAPs I so often see on Y!A asking why it is so expensive to adopt or how they can raise the money to do so?

I see what they're getting at with their protests that they're not buying human flesh, but I also see the irony.

Adoption is A-OK!

Baited question i know but .. .

They probably take offense at the blanket generalizations you make about all PAP/AP's being greedy, selfish, demanding a womb wet baby, slamming them for wanting a baby to catch all the first steps, teeth, etc and building a bond with them, being referred to as kidnappers, infertiles, etc (btw, do you call them up and say "Hi Infertile, Happy Mother's day?").

wow, nothing to do but stir the pot with people and isolate your cause even more.

Still Me

That's ridiculous. So are YOU going to pay for all the services, counseling, housing, medical bills, attorneys, trials, failed placements, office rent, advertising, salaries etc. for the adoption agency? If so, please give me your mailing address ASAP! Then we would not have to charge ANY fees!!

No one expects a surgeon to work for free, or a psychologist or fertility expert. Or god forbid, an obstetrician, for doing what women do on their own in many countries - catch a baby! We pay for those professional services. At private agencies, those fees have to be passed on, otherwise there would be no support given to birthmothers, and they would have to go through their state. Do you know what adoption is like through the state for a birthmother? I do. No counseling, lots of blaming, no financial help, no choices about the adoptive family, no contact with you child ever again. Not even information about how they are, if they are alive, if they were adopted. No information. NONE. And unfortunately, the standards for adoption are often lax. Sometimes marginal families are approved. Sometimes very stable and loving families are approved. It's a crap shoot with the state.

And at public agencies, no one complains about taxpayers footing that bill. It's not free to adopt at a public agency, it is just embedded in our taxes. Let's get real.

Jelly tots

Your obviously from sunny old america.

First off, let my tell you that I was free to my mother and father, they never paid a penny back in 1985.

No one is buying anything!!! They are adopting. America gives adoption such a bad name.

whatever

Hey genius, do you think hospitals deliver children for free? I am going to assume that you know "that much". Well then my dear, since you equate payment for services with "purchasing a baby" then everyone who has children would be "buying" a baby. In some cases delivering a baby is even more costly than adopting one.

So what exactly is your point? Ah yes, to stir it up in here as if this forum really needs it.

Here is the definition of adopting and if you have a problem with it then contact Merriam Webster

adopting: transitive verb
1: to take by choice into a relationship; especially : to take voluntarily (a child of other parents) as one's own child

opedial

The loaded question you ask is enough of an answer for anyone.

MikeyG

How exactly does a question like this help to unseal birth records and give adoptees access to their histories?
Be careful not to let personal vendettas distract you from your goal.

Edited: I understand what you're asking, I really do, and please know that I mean no disrespect - but I still believe that bringing people together can solve more problems than tearing them apart. It concerns me that very real, solvable inequalities are being overlooked because people would rather discuss unsolvable issues that basically come down to semantics and "points of view."

And I disagree about YA not having an impact. I know several people, including myself, that didn't even realize that the records issue existed before visiting here. I believe that the forces needed to enact positive change are indeed growing, and this is only one of several places that the needed support is being assembled.

Tonia

Because we are not PURCHASING a baby. (We are paying for foster care, medical care, attorney expenses, agency fees, court fees, etc.)

In addition, we will be paying for a lifetime of care that every parent offers their child.

Annie A

Gotta say, as an adoptee, I find your question both offensive (intentionally, I would imagine) and sad. What a great way to place people of the defensive without ever bothering to think beyond your own world view. It's a rude question that insulting to my amom, my bmom, and to me.

Andraya

Ok normally I am not the one to defend baby buying but come on. The ones who are trying to purchase a human are the ones who go about it in shady ways. People who use reputable agencies and lawyers are subjected to fees because ADOPTION IS CORRUPT not because they are.

cagney

how would it be any different if i'd conceived a bio child through fertility treatments? i refuse to take the bait on this loaded question that's just meant to stir a pot. i'm not here to ask or answer questions that are meant to be spiteful.

thanks anyway.

blank

As the previous answer states, I'm not purchasing a child, I'm paying for the legal fees, counselling fees, and any medical fees asscociated with our future son/daughter's birth. This is no different to me than the medical fees that we had to pay with our biological son't birth. Adoptions just come with more fees as there is a legal process and more counselling involved. Why are we so defensive? Because that's our son/daughter that your speaking about and they are priceless to us!

Anthony Berti

Nornally I do not answer idiotic questions but will make a comment.
There are cases that Adoptions do not cost but you need to learn to work within the system.
To make a baby buying comment is stupid and not worth answering.
Nothing in Life is FREE and we are not brought into this world for a FREE RIDE! Even the Air we breathe is not Free!

Big Daddy R

I don't feel that i am purchasing the child we are trying to adopt. I am just doing what they tell me to do which includes paying the fees. I see the fees as being a part of the process the people involved. (social workers lawyers, court cost etc have to be covered some how. ) The people are not volunteering their time

â™¥â™¥Mum To Superkids is engagedâ™¥â™¥

I suspect this could be bait.

Barb

Pretty much everything in life comes at a price.

I have 2 adopted children. I did NOT buy my babies. I did have to pay fees to an agency and an attorney to handle the legalities of thier cases. I have no problem admitting that.

I really think you are just trying to stir things up around here.

Cam

I wasn't going to answer your question because I'm so annoyed by how ridiculous it is. But here goes anyway.

The adoption process involves various services provided by doctors, counselors, and attorneys. This is what makes adoption legal and ethical. But I think that deep down, underneath all that resentment, you already know that.

There is no price tag on a child.

cowboy_fan

Adoptive parents are well aware that we paid money to adopt a child. You act like you just revealed some big secret.

Gaia Raain

Biological children come with a "purchase price", too. You have to go see the doctor during pregnancy ($$), you have to pay the hospital bill ($$), you have to eat more food ($$), there's prenatal vitamins ($$), not to mention if there are any complications ($$). Same diff, money-wise. But if you want a healthy, white infant from someone else's loins, or an international child "cuz you don't want to share", then that price will go up. I probably chose the cheapest "baby buying" option out there. I'm adopting a child from foster care. It's virtually free, and I'll be giving a home to a child who actually NEEDS one. Not only that, but the state will probably help out with medical expenses and counseling *gasp*! So, I'm actually going to get PAID for my "baby". I'm planning to retire to Florida on my stipend. Sound like a plan?

I don't know...it sounds to me like you only post in order to get people's dander up. I usually ignore it, but this one got me. I guess, yeah, I'm buying me a piece of human flesh. But those people who get pregnant do the SAME THING! At least I thought it out ahead of time. I'm not just "havin' a kid" to fulfill my needs. I don't feel entitled. If our adoption doesn't go through (I mean come on, we've been waiting over a year...it's a possibility), then guess what...we move on! We can continue to work with troubled kids, foster, or do any number of other things in order to help kids, which is the whole point.

Not all PAP's are ignorant. Your generalizations, baiting comments, and rudeness aren't making any difference here. If you want to make a difference, why don't you fight for adoptee rights or answer the questions where you might be able to give some helpful insight? (I actually hoped that you would respond to my question about whether foster kids would rather stay in the system or be adopted. I looked forward to your answer there, but you chose not to respond. Makes me wonder what your point is.)

the_old_lady_in_the_shoe

my son is adopted and I did not pay anything for him. I adopted him through the state and not a private agency. When you adopt from a private agency, there are fees and such and they are to cover costs of the pregenacny, and birthing...it is agains the law to sell a baby, but to pay for its arrival is ok. Most people do not consider that "buying a baby". Someone has to pay for the dr. and hosp. bills or the tax payers will get stuck with it, so why not make the future mom and dad pay since they would have to if they were the ones birthing the baby.

Freckle Face

Guess what? When you give birth at the hospital you get a bill! So i guess theres no way around it. We all have to pay for our babies!

ETA whats that you don't agree that you are purchasing your baby from the hospital? Oh, you're just paying for the services rendered by the hospital. EXACTLY. We are not purchasing the child but paying for the services rendered in order to adopt the child.

Santa's Lil' Helper

Bubble.....bubble....toil and TROUBLE!

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: