Dont know what to do?

------ -

yep

Jane

You sound like you are allowing him to set you up for a long term affair. He is saying all the right things to you to get you to hang on and wait. However, he is not telling you the whole story because if he goes to live with his children and his ex then there will come a time that they will sleep together, be it after a party or during the holidays when they have had too much to drink. You will never have any idea of what goes on behind those closed doors, but if you are willing to sacrifice your heart and your self respect, then wait and see what it brings you.

The best thing that you can do for your self respect and your dignity would be to call him on his hand. Tell him how you feel about him, but also point out to him that he seems conflicted, and he has a big decision to make. Then let him go and give him the space to figure out what he wants to do. If he wants to be in the house as a family and live a lie for the sake of his children, then you will be short changed, because if he is there for a year, then why wouldn't he want to be there until they are young adults. Then you will be sitting around by the phone waiting for him to find some time for you. He will be with his family at Christmas, and maybe traveling to Hawaii and you will be sitting at home alone. Thanksgiving, you will be alone, because he will want to spend it with his children... Is that what you want for yourself?

If he is a man of integrity, he will love you more and respect you for giving him the time and space to figure out what he wants for his life. If he wants his cake and to eat it too, then he shows that he is a selfish man, because he doesn't really care that you will be alone while he is having fun with his family. (He certainly wont be feeling lonely.) If he really loves you, then he will do the respectable and honorable thing which would be to set up custody arrangements for the kids, so he can be with his kids and be with you and not be skulking around.

Honestly, you will be selling yourself out if you keep doing things as you are now and he moves into that home. You will be so hurt because your needs will not be met, and you will start to feel played. Why set yourself up for that kind of pain and humiliation. Let him loose and focus on meeting a guy who is willing to give you all the time and attention you need for right now, not for what could be a year, or two or five down the road. You really don't want to give someone that kind of control over your life. Good luck.

King H

This guy is not ready to move on from his family. Moving in with him will just strain your relationship even more. It may not be immediately, but it will occur.

cindy w

Is his "ex" a girlfriend or his wife? That makes all the difference. If He is married, there is a "tie" there that goes far beyond the children aspect and you are asking for trouble getting involved in that.

http://www.cadz.net/mdr.html

http://www.marriagedivorce.com

crumblecustard

Talk is cheap, he does have lots of baggage - leave well alone and find someone who talks the talk AND walks the walk.
Good luck for the future.

Iker

i think you are fooling yourself. Kisses from oxfordshire

Della =]

Hes Gonna Go Back To His Children And I No You Click But Hes Made It Obviouse He Wants His Children Back More Than Anything But Every Time He Spends With You He Dosnt Want To Leave You, I Think He's Made Up His Mind But Isnt Quite Sure What To Do.

I Think You Should Fined Someone Else Who You Click With
Sorry x

Stephen C

Clearly, you both have been thru the first (at least) relationship and are still going thru the first (at least) years of parenting. You've both seen some of the good and the bad in all that. In theory, you're both wiser for the experience.

Talk. Talk about it. Talk to friends about it. Talk to yourself about it. Make hard boundaries and soft boundaries and expect the unexpected.

This time around there are a lot more moving parts to worry about. Kids and ex's are just part of it. Security and equity come into play as both of you likely have more wealth than when you first started out.

But you are correct that you shouldn't fool yourself. It isn't necessarily easier the second time around.

Specifically, there's no point in making new commitments when you and him already have commitments to children. You don't need the pressure. Try to look at ways of having fun together, it will make everything else easier.

Kitty Kokaineâ„¢

Go for it, you can only kick yourself for not trying AND that will hurt more than leaving him.

If you guys talked more about curtain obstacles that may come ahead and work through it I truly think you will have something great in your hands.

â™¥ THE Scared LOSER â™¥

haha u r fooling yourself love is just f**ked up!! if u love someone just let them go b4 u get hurt more !!!

twilighter <3

well i know this hard but i think u should move on

Paul&Fran

Im not saying dump this man but your doing the right thing keeping him at arms length. Your not pushing which is great. There is no harm and seeing others. And and if this man makes you as his choice then great. And if not move on with your life. I know it's hard when you feel you have that person who you click with but this man is still in limbo. I hope for the best for you..

M90NKA

if you like him so much its got to be worth giving it a try, if you dont try you will spend the rest of your life wondering...

jaredsprettyprincess

At least you realize & understand that you will always be 2nd best to his children but really he can adore his young children without getting back together w/ his ex. It seems that you have already become quite enamored of this guy & I know it will hurt but I think you do need to step back a bit to let him work thru his emotions. He has only been divorced for a year & believe it or not I'm sure the pain of losing his wife & breaking up a family is still very raw for him. Let him come to terms w/ this & I think once he finds his closure he can find you providing that is what he wants. The unfortunate part of this is that no one can put a limit on how long this will take or how much YOU can take. Only you can make that decision. You seem to have some very genuine feelings where he is concerned & you should be glad that he is opening up & being honest w/ you. I don't think you are necessarily fooling yourself & its not really a matter of CAN this work but do both of you WANT it to work. A relationship that is one sided will never work but one where both parties are working at it & nuturing it CAN work. You get what you put into it but I still in the back of my mind wonder if history will repeat itself. Will he set up house w/ you & work his butt off while you're left taking care of his children b/c THAT isn't fair to you either. He is supposed to look at you as an equal partner NOT another mother for his small children. It really is a tough call to make but when it comes down to it only you can make it.

josephsharka

If there is a chance that they can reconcile, they deserve that chance, and it might actually lead to resentment someday when the new wears off of your relationship when he thinks about having his family together and complete.

I know it's hard, but I think you need to give him some space until he works things out on his end. If he comes back to you, you will know that he is doing so with a clear mind, and you will be able to have a clear conscience.

5iveAlive

I think you have been so strong and the communication has been very open and good. You have been very mature however I do think that it is messy and think that you should move on and find someone will less baggage. It comes across to me that you have more independency and stability to lead your life and make decisions and I dont know if he is as strong as you. I know he misses his children but the shile situation could get messy and do you really want all of the hassle until it is sorted out?! Sods law that you have met someone you click with but I think it is time to move on before someone gets hurt. x

Andy

One question, do you love him ?

River

Just walk away. You will suffer much more in the future, won't be able to have children with him, or will have to " wait". You will always have financial problems because of the children's support he would have to pay. Also, what are the chances that he would stay with you after you have a baby? Women go through a lot of changes after they give birth and many men walk away and refuse to handle the situation. But , on the other hand, miracles do happen.You might want to give it a go and spend 10 years of your life on this guy after which you will realize yourself it was a mistake.

DEBORAH S

to be honest i would start looking for someone else...you are obviously second choice and no one would like living like that...i would really review you own options

Roger H

I would leave him now, you will only get hurt later

Social Science Lady

Until such a time that he is divorced from his wife, you can never be sure of him Also children come first in a parents life, and some children will resent a second mother hanging about. Forget him, find someone who can give you what you want without all the hassle and strings tied to your toes.

hopewriter

Nobody can ever replace children in someone's heart, and this woman is the mother of his children and the life he once had, the life he wanted to have.

If there is a chance that they can reconcile, they deserve that chance, and it might actually lead to resentment someday when the new wears off of your relationship when he thinks about having his family together and complete.

I know it's hard, but I think you need to give him some space until he works things out on his end. If he comes back to you, you will know that he is doing so with a clear mind, and you will be able to have a clear conscience.

bob m

i think your fooling yourself

Daisyhill

I would go now. You can bet that even if you and he did move in ...as soon as she blinked her eye he would be back like a shot. A physical relationship can be got back on track and with small children that is normal...sorry but he sounds WEAK...if he were strong he would have never gone into another relationship and he would have worked to get his family back.

lovinlife

RUN Get out while you still have your sanity!

Get real

I wouldn't get to comfortable he pretty much told you he would go back if she asked did you miss that as you were typing it.

maree

I took up with a man who had 3 older kids, with his wife who he had left about a year earlier. He adores his kids, and I am second best to them, as far as he is concerned. Before I moved in with him, I had to have an abortion, and he was going to take me to the clinic, but he rang to tell me, the previous night, that he had to take his son to hospital the next day because he had broken a finger playing cricket, and therefore could not take me to the clinic. That is the power the children have over him.
I am, now 50, and cannot, easily, move on, so I take being second best to be able to remain with him.
It sounds like you are younger, and could easily find a man who does not come with all the baggage this guy does. Why not try it, and keep him in the background, as a safety net, like he wants to keep you

Snowflake

I wouldn't say that you have to be second best at all! no one is second best whether there are kiddies involved or not, it sounds cruel to yourself, sometimes you have to learn to juggle more than one thing at a time this is how I would say it.Unfortunately when relationships break down and kids are there it is hard to break the bond between mum and dad and to move on, if you really like this guy then do everything in your power to make things work, and if he does leave you, as hard as it may feel at least you know that it was not your fault and you are a wonderful person for trying so hard when the odds are stacked against you, but if it does work then you should be so proud of your efforts and sacrifice you made, keeping him at arms length is no good if you want him because then he has no reason to stay with you. Go for it girl! that's what I say and the more you think about it the more reasons you will give yourself for not trying!

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