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How am I supposed to deal with the fact that my boyfriend treats my 6 year old different than his children?
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How am I supposed to deal with the fact that my boyfriend treats my 6 year old different than his children?


Additional Details
My boyfriend and I are engaged and have a child in common 2 months old! He has 3 children 18, 16 and 12. When it comes to discipline, he is much harder on my son, who is 6. He is not physical but it really hurts me that he lets his kids do whatever they want and makes a big deal whenever my son does something wrong. He is really good to my son except when it comes to discipline! I don't mind that he corrects my son but I wish he treated them the same!


    




2008-01-26 03:28:36 +0000
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Sounds to me like his kids are spoiled brats that get away with everything. And let me guess they don't live in the same house as you. It's really a hard thing to blend 2 different families, and only the strong will survive it. You have to stand next to each other not one in front & one behind. You have to be on the same page & support each other through all of the discipline. Kids from a blended family will play all sides against each other every chance they get. When they don't get what they want from one parent they will run to another & say whatever they have to say to get their way. So stand by each other & support each other & quit all the fighting!


2008-01-26 00:32:44 +0000
when i got married my hubby had a daughter from his first marriage, if it werent for me they would have no relationship i was the one who made him go i was the one she came to when she wanted to talk, when i married i knew that i was marrying them both and i accepted the role with gladness in my heart because i loved him we went on to have our own children who very much look up to their older sister. i agree with everyone not enough info as to the how he treat her differently, and like dawg said, get a real man if this one cannot accept your child.


2008-01-26 00:36:07 +0000
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Of course your boyfriend is going to treat your 6 year old different than his children, his children are his and yours isn't his. Its not like you guys are married and he is your child's step father, and even then you can't compare the two relationships. As long as he isn't rude or mean to your child then there is nothing you can complain about. You can not force him to feel for your child like he does for his own.


2008-01-26 00:14:04 +0000
You need to talk to him about it honestly. He might not even realize he is doing it.


2008-01-26 00:19:05 +0000
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More info please.
OR
You should be telling him this, not us.


2008-01-26 00:11:39 +0000
Depends on whether you are in a committed relationship (engaged, living together, etc.) How is he treating your child different? Are they different ages or gender? Most people are partial to their own and sometimes do not even realize they treat them differently. However, if it is abusive in any way, physical or emotional, leave now.


2008-01-26 00:09:18 +0000
my first husband did the same until we were married for a little while then he started to hit my children so be carefull


2008-01-26 00:10:11 +0000
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Well, he's your boyfriend, so he's not your child's step-parent.

You left out a lot of information.

Do you live together? Are you planning on getting married? How long have you dated? Does your child live with you or someone else?

You can't expect your boyfriend to treat your child the same as his own children.


2008-01-26 00:14:01 +0000
Unfortunately, I've seen this happen in so many divorce situations. It can lead to real unhappiness. You need to ask him, confront him and do it nicely. He many not realize it.
Your child his not his, so it is not strange that his kids take priority. If you marry, he must change. If not and you love him, you will have to work with it.


2008-01-26 00:22:38 +0000
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You shouldn't deal with it. You and your child are package deal. Kids come first. If my bf treated my kids badly he would be history and I would expect him to do the same if I was ugly to his kids. Your #1 responsibility is to your child , not your man.


2008-01-26 00:08:49 +0000
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id talk to a professional, like a marrage councellor


2008-01-26 00:15:38 +0000
The question is "how different"? Is he harder (discipline wise) on your child? Is he ignoring him/her? Is he giving his own children more attention, gifts, time? Your child will come to see the differences, and may well come to resent them.
If you are just boyfriend/girlfriend there is not much of a problem, but if you are living together, or want to live together, this could be a real problem. Your child shouldn't be disadvantaged by your relationship with this man.
Its time for an honest heart to heart with your boyfriend. You and your child are a package deal, and if he loves you then he must love your child, and treat them as he would/does his own. Otherwise you should rethink your ideas about this relationship.

***Your edit raises questions.
Why does he feel that your child deserves harsher discipline than his children? How can that be fair? Is it possible that he resents the connection between you and your ex, through the child? Totally unreasonable, I know, considering that he also has children by someone else, but sometimes feelings aren't reasonable.
Could it be that sometimes you put your child before him (as it should be on occasion), creating jealousy?
Is it possible that you see your child as better than he/she is, and are lax in the discipline and he sees it as his task to make up for the lack there? Is your child naughty? Do you let them get away with things they sometimes shouldn't because you feel that you have to make up for not having his natural father in the picture?
You two need to get to the root of this BEFORE it creates such a divide between you and him, and between your child and him. If you can't do it by yourselves, you may find counseling helpful.


2008-01-26 00:42:59 +0000
You get rid of the boyfriend and find a new one. Why would you tolerate a man treating your child badly or differently than his own?


2008-01-26 00:07:56 +0000
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Get A Real Man


2008-01-26 00:19:06 +0000
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you know the dawg answer is completely right get a REAL man !!! Your child is more important than his kids are to you right ?? Then don't let that baby feel any disrespect from that fool !! You know guys come & go but our children are forever !! Don't allow anyone to ever do that to your child again he's a special blessing given to you from God !!! Treat him as such !!!!


2008-01-26 00:17:28 +0000
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unless he changes I donr see you two lasting very long Unless you just let him get away with this behavior.
Which is Totally wrong. and your son will see and know this is going on.

You need to talk to him and see if you can find someone to help you out, counselor, parenting classes etc..

Put your foot down and stop this now before everyone gets hurt especially your child



tikva says"You can't expect your boyfriend to treat your child the same as his own children."

Why not? He loves you he should love your children too. and trat them with the same respect he would want others to treat his children.
I wouldnt let him or anyone get away with treating a child differently.-especially if you one day want to marry him.


2008-01-26 00:09:30 +0000
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thats terrible....does your six year old notice? Hopefully your husband isn't obvious about it. Honestly that is one of the reasons I am wary about having another child with my husband, I wouldn't want him to treat my daughter any different.


2008-01-26 00:13:41 +0000
Wow... How stressful for you!

I think you should keep your eyes and ears open. I really hope there is no abuse involved here!

Children are innocent creatures and it is your job as a parent to protect them.

I would NEVER be with a man who did not treat my child nicely.

I am a woman, yes....but right now my number one priorities are my child and myself. (Men can come and go; but your child is your blood, a part of yourself.)

DO NOT let this man harm your child in ANY way....!


2008-01-26 00:09:08 +0000
There is much more info needed to help you... How does he treat your child differently? How long have the two of you been together? If he's mean to her drop him now... If he's a little distant but nice.. give it time and see (unless you've been together a long time)... I'll be honest, I didn't treat my stepson the same as I do my daughter... he was a teenager when I met his father... we have a very close relationship and genuinely like eachother... but when I've been away from my daughter all day... I run to her, pick her up, and swing her in the air... I don't do my stepson that way.. I smile, give him a hug, and ask him how his day was... I love my stepson.. but it is different with him due to his age when his dad and I married...

EDIT: Based on your additional info, I would suggest sitting down with your boyfriend at some point when things are not heated... (ie. not when your child has done something wrong...) and talk about expectations and consequences... The thing is, especially with the child in common, you two need to work as a team... think "behavior plan"... so you sit down with a piece of paper... ok, what if "Johnny" won't listen to what he's being asked to do.. what do we think should be the consequence? Is time out appropriate? Is yelling ok? Should he be sent to his room? ok, well, what if he disobeys the boyfriend and is disrespectful.. what would be the consequence? and make a plan together as to what you expect and what the consequence is... of course there will be things that come up that you don't expect.. that's where you should say, "we're going to go talk about what has happened, and we'll let you know what the consequence is.." that way you two stand as a team to your child and you have the chance to change the consequence as you feel is necessary since you are the child's mother... and the child also sees the discipline coming from both of you united, so the child doesn't feel that he's being the mean one and you are the softy.. it's the two of you deciding together.





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