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How do I handle my ex husband's negative remarks about me,?
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How do I handle my ex husband's negative remarks about me,?

I divorced him and have moved on... but he continues to belittle me when he is with my children. I know it makes the children uncomfortable as they feel stuck in the middle. He ffeels he can continue to degrade me through them and it is a crying shame! I don't want to stoop to his immature level but want to let him know that this has to stop! Any suggestions? Thanks!


2010-02-25 19:34:18 +0000
perhaps he is only telling the truth. if thats the case, then they already saw it.

2010-02-25 19:37:36 +0000
You can actually take him to court for it. The judge may take away his visitation and give supervised only. It may be the only way to fix it.

2010-02-25 19:38:31 +0000
real answer!
I think that maybe you should try to talk to him, calmly. ask him to come over and sit down while the kids aren't around and tell him. that you know that make your children uncomfortable and you would appreciate it if he would stop, that both of you need to get along for the kids. There is no need to fight even though ya'll aren't together. and if he Truly loves the kids and wants what is best for them, then he'll stop.

2010-02-25 19:37:27 +0000
You should see a marriage counselor, even though you're divorced. You can see one by yourself. Talk to a professional of some kind - this is intolerable and you shouldn't have to go through it, and neither should your children. He's actually hurting your children more than he's hurting you. I wish I could help more, but I don't have kids, just abusive exes.

2010-02-25 19:36:04 +0000
tell him when the kids are not around. And tell him that he's trying to hurt your but its actually hurting your children.

2010-02-25 19:44:31 +0000
Your ex husband should NOT be using your children to belittle you. You two need to have a talk with each other about this as consenting adults. Your children don't need that kind of negativity in their small lives. Tell him that he needs to know that he can't be using your children in the world of you & him. Don't let it bother you if he continues this, just be strong & continue to be mom to ur babies. Assure you babies that everything is fine and let them know that their dad is angry & needs to move on because the divorce is afterall settled (so I assume?) Just continue to be positive to your kids & live the life, your children will noticed right away of whose really the ridiculous one..just make sure you're communicating with the kids and making things happen....it's a rough start but it'll settle.

2010-02-25 19:36:34 +0000
you can make him sign a restraining order or just talk to him. I know its hard for children with divorced parents so you can act like you get along.

2010-02-25 19:35:49 +0000
READ your divorce/custody paperwork it is marked on thier that he can not talk about you to the kids. go back to court let the judge know

2010-02-25 19:36:59 +0000
PLEASE, try this program. I suggest this to everyone having problem with a husband/wife even if they are divorced. http://www.retrouvaille.org/pages.php?page=1

2010-02-25 19:34:31 +0000
Set his house on fire.


Kick him in the chest knocking him into a bottomless pit while yelling "THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAAA!"

2010-02-25 19:37:30 +0000
When the kids become adults they will see him for what he truly is... What he fails to realize is this: When he puts you down he is also putting down his children, they are part of you and if he is telling them your no good he is also telling them that they are no good as well... he doesn't get now and maybe he never will.

Do not stoop to his level which is that of a slug..don't go there, be the better person and your kids will love and respect you when they are older..as for him they will have little love and respect.What a sad little man he is...

2010-02-25 19:39:38 +0000
My x did the exact same thing. It seems to make them feel better about themselves and they are blind to what they are putting on their children. Grrr it used to make me so mad too. I tried talking to him.........didn't help. I did talk to my children and explained that he is just hurt and angry and to try to ignore it, but it got to the point they couldn't, so they eventually told him Dad I don't want to hear about Mom every time we are with u and if u keep doing it then I don't want to see you. They also said Mom doesn't say anything bad about u. (which ended up making me look like the better person) and u know what............he stopped, but it took it coming from their mouth, not mine.

2010-02-25 19:40:24 +0000
girl you need slap him!
thats is not nice
go to the court
about it
tell him move on if he still want u cause henot gonna get u

2010-02-25 19:37:48 +0000
Keep telling him that this does not make a difference in how the kids see you but how the kids see him. The more he does it, the more the kids resent him.

2010-02-25 22:00:15 +0000
Sweetie, you sure have had "your share" with this "ex" of yours! This is highly unfair of him to HURT his children as he's doing. Is there ANY way you can "appeal" to him that he is NOT hurting you, but he is hurting his own children quite badly & upsetting them. I would try to appeal to him in that manner BUT, tell him IF it does NOT stop, you are going to take it before a judge & let him know he may even loose his "privilege" of seeing them. Tell him it's affecting them to the point of where you're wondering if you're going to have to get counseling for them because of his hatred twds. you is being relayed on to your children. Put a fear into him & say what you mean, mean what you say. Let him know you are NOT going to ruin your children's lives because of what happened between the two of you. It's NOT fair. But do scare him & tell him if he won't take your word for it, you're SURE the judge's word will have more of an impact on him & that he may loose his rite to see them. You honestly could go to Family court in the county where you live with this matter & they ARE super nice folks. I've dealt with them before & I KNOW they WILL help you. Judges frown on two things, one being children who are being hurt, the other is domestic violence. This I KNOW for FACT. So let him know whatever way he wants it to go, you ARE going to keep your word as it's coming to the point of your children suffering needlessly & you refuse to see them hurting as they are. I KNOW you CAN do it...stay strong, honey. If God be for us who can be against us...:) Hugs, Sue
Edit: I've been thinking about your dilemma, & I like what "shadowsd" posted regarding the letters. With ALL the problems you've had w/this "person" in the past, I DO agree w/the letters. This WOULD give you proof that you DID speak to him about it, IF he didn't comply w/your wishes, this would give you more leverage having it in writing & also IF you did have to go to court about it the proof would all be in writing. That IS a GOOD idea. You can't argue w/something written plainly in black & white & it also just may "register" w/him that you DO mean business & that you WILL do something if he doesn't comply w/your wishes. It just may be that little extra "strength" you'd need in more ways than one. Just keep it brief, to the point, basically just stating the facts would be all you'd need.

2010-02-25 22:49:24 +0000
I really dont know about this one my ex wife has poisoned my ten year old that he doesnt want to see me any more and i havent seen him for nearly a year,the last time i sa him everything was fine.
Although my 14 year old has come back and is now living with me

2010-02-25 20:50:43 +0000
These are all great answers. I'd just suggest them in a set of steps:

1. Arrange for the time alone with him. Write out what you are going to say. If this ends up in court, you should file your statement with a declaration about how you tried to handle this. I recommend something like the following:
Date: [put the date of the talk on it]
Dear Bob (or whatever):
Every divorce leaves hurt feelings. I think you say bad things about me to our kids because you still hurt in some way. I'm sorry for that. I can handle your comments when you say them straight to me, but you are hurting our kids when you say bad things about me. They come home upset, sometimes crying about the bad things you say about me. For example, [do at least two examples and the dates when they happened]. As their father, consider how you are hurting them with these comments. I expect you to stop them immediately. If you keep making those comments hurting them, I will ask the Court to order you to stop, to limit your access to them, and/or to require supervised visitation. This is not a discussion about a middle ground on a subject. You must stop your negative and belittling comments to the children about me. I need your answer now. I will write down that answer and report it to the Court if necessary. [leave space to write down his answer] Thank you for talking about this without the kids present. Please call me if you have any questions about what I have asked today.
Do not talk about other things. He will try to engage you in irrelevant failures he thinks you are responsible for. Don't fall into that trap. If this goes to court, you want a simple yes or no to your demand, not a big blowup afterward.

2. Set time aside with the kids for this. Write out what you are going to say. If this ends up in court, you may file this with a declaration about how you were reasonable with the kids. I recommend something like the following:
Dear Kids:
I love you so much. I've heard that daddy tells you things about me that make you feel uncomfortable or bad. That happens a lot when moms and dads divorce. One person may still feel bad and say those kinds of things. But kids should not have to hear those things. I have asked your daddy not to say bad things about me to you. How that turns out is real important to me because I want you to feel safe with me and with your daddy. It's also important that you do not feel like you have to tell me everything about what happens. I only want to know if you feel bad or uncomfortable about things that happen. I'm your mommy. That's one of my favorite jobs - keeping you guys safe and doing as good as we can to raise you.

Love, Mommy

A court might be pretty skeptical that it can order someone not to be negative. Don't jump into court right away. If you lose, the negative comments are going to get much worse. He'll feel like the court said it was OK. So try everything possible before going the court route. Good luck with these tough times.

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