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How do controlling men isolate their wives from family and friends?
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How do controlling men isolate their wives from family and friends?

I've heard that is typical, but don't know the exact methods. My husband always bad-mouths my friends and family (whom I love very much). That makes me hesitant to go out with them with my husband, because I wouldn't want him to say something hurtful to them. But then he would feel insulted and left out if I just went to family gatherings without him. So I was wondering if this was an isolation technique.


they find weak women that will let them get away with it.

Well i went through this same problem except it was with my boyfriend. We just recently broke up because he is so controlling over me. When my friends are over and we are having a good time he will just go to my bedroom or go to the kitchen and sit in there till my friends leave because he says he feels left out , like he is the 5th wheel or something. Anyways he would always say that he didn't want to get in the middle of me and my friends, and he would say how if one of my friends which are mostly guys tried to flirt with me then he would KILL them! He was always like that, and he would say how if we broke up he would DIE ! Guys can be controlling ! Just gotta watch out.

he's almost doing it.
If he gives you a hard time everytime you try and hang out w/ family that's an attempt at isolation.

But then again, if you sepnt every waking moment w/ friends and family, he'd kind of have a valid reason for giving you a hard time.

Janet W
Sounds to me that your husband doesn't respect you or your family and friends very much. He is trying to control you by saying things that are bad about those in your life. He is using this as control and yes it can only happen if you let it. You can't control what he does but you can control how you react to it. Chances are that if you show him that his words don't affect you then he may stop. You need to win this one. Don't have sympathy for him being left behind it's his choice. Enjoy your family, friends and life and if he doesn't like it then let it be his problem, not yours. You need to live and be the person you are meant to be with your own mind, your own thoughts and your own reaction to his irrationality. Be strong, be kind and be you.

because he's a ***hole. I am a guy and I wouldn't let my girlfriend or wife badmouth my family like that. Either she would learn to respect my family or I would leave her.


Actually, you just said it... They usually start by bad-mouthing the woman's friends and family.

Controlling guys often feel threatened by a woman's friends and family, because friends and family are the people who tell a controlled/abused woman to be more independent. And they help her to be more independent by telling her to stand up for herself in her relationship, get out and socialize, and have control of her money.

So controlling men often have problems with a woman's friends and family. The woman gradually gets more and more isolated until she has no support--no one to advise her and nowhere to go if she decides to leave the relationship... So these women often can't leave because they have no friends or family to stay with and no money.

You need to NOT let your husband isolate you. Go out with whomever you want to go out with. If he cannot be respectful to them, don't take him. Tell him that you don't want to hear anything bad about your friends and family, and that he needs to keep those thoughts to himself. If you want to stay with this guy, you need to take control NOW before the situation gets worse.

ILF loves IDWaN
That's it. Then they say stuff like "Why do you hang out with them? They're stupid." Then he'll come up with things that you *need* to do instead of going out with friends. I'm sure there's more. I learned that at a class taught by an Army chaplain once. It stuck with me.

Minty Me
They start saying how your family and friends are doing you wrong.
"Your mom said that? Who does she think she is?"
"Your friend asked you to go shopping with her? What a user! She's no friend!"
"A family gathering? Why- so you can do all the work while they relax? They don't care about you at all!"
"Your mom wasn't a good mother. I don't think she ever loved you. Not like I do!"
"I can't believe you want to go have lunch with her after the was she treated you. You might think it's no big deal, but you just don't see it! I don't want you hanging out with people like that!"

Then you start doubting yourself and your friends/family. He'll say "They just don't want you to be happy, so they're trying to ruin it for us."

It can be insidious, or blatant.

Rock, Paper, Scissors
They will find a reason not to like your friends or family. They will try to convince you or put ideas into your mind as to why those people are not good to be around. They will act like they are protecting you from these people because he "cares" and is looking out for you. If you get into a problem with a friend or family member he will use that as an example and convince you not to trust them, when it's probably a normal disagreement that can be resolved. He will bring their names up during arguments to make them part of a problem they have nothing to do with. He will make you feel guilty for spending time with them and not him or will refuse to come with you if you want to spend time with friends or family. He will exclude himself, so you begin to as well. If you get on the phone for a long period of time, he will make you feel guilty or like you are spending too much of your time with them. Basically, everything is a problem in one way or another whenever you reach out or make contact with friends/family.

Katie M
My daughter's ex alienated her from her family and friends. He wouldn't "let' her call anyone if he was home (and he wouldn't work).
He bad-mouthed everyone of her family members and friends. He tried to isolate her. They are now divorced because of his abusive behavior.

Another Creation Enduring
That's exactly how they do it.

ADD: Let me add, some wives do it too.

I could ask my friends if that has ever happened to them, but my wife won't let me have any.

Abuse always starts the same way, controlling always starts the same way. What appears to be compliments that are really negatives. Things like "You look good Today", withe emphasis on today only, implying you don't other times. Or.. "You finally are wearing a nice shirt". Meaning you don't any other time. These aren't compliments they are barbs to hurt you with and to make you want to please him. They work on your self esteem, eroding it slowly and carefully. Never going too fast so you don't know it's happening until you wake up and realize you feel like you aren't good enough anymore.

They also cut down everyone you know, family and friends. They tell you how bad, stupid or worthless they all are. Making you feel like you are these things for wanting to be around them. They work hard at making you want to please them, and wanting to talk to anyone else means you must not love them enough or want to be with them enough. Like somehow talking to another person must mean you don't want to be with them anymore. Isolation means to get you away from others by any means available. He may talk nasty when around them so that they don't want to be around him. He may cut you down in front of them, trying to make them see what a loser you are so they won't want to be around you any longer. If there is a means, they'll use it. There is no set way to isolate someone away from others, it's through trial and error, seeing what works on you and what works on those around you. Making you all want to not even get together. Your guy played the guilt trip, must be what works best for you. There isn't a book or instructions on how to isolate someone, so there is no set techniques. They work and find what works for them and the person they are trying to isolate. Has it worked? If it has, then it's what he is using to isolate you. He's bad mouthing them all and then he makes you feel guilty if you don't take him along but then he makes everything unpleasant. Does this sound like a person who wants you around others? Do you think he'd be happy if you never spoke to others that care about you? That's isolation.

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