Home     Links     Contact Us     Bookmark  
 
   Homepage      News      Legal Forum      Dictionary  
Home : Legal Forum : Marriage & Divorce

How soon is it to get counseling in a relationship?
Find answers to your legal question.





How soon is it to get counseling in a relationship?

I didn't want to post this in the singles/dating forum because I don't get "mature" responses.

Anyway, I've been dating (very rocky and shaky) my bf for almost a year. The relationship started out rocky. However, we do have some common grounds. We enjoy each others company, we can joke, laugh and talk to each other, etc. Pretty much have fun with eat other - like friends.
When it comes to the relationship, we don't see eye to eye on things. Don't want to go into details but sometimes it can get pretty intense. I think we are both at a point where we spend so much time trying to be right and not compromising.

Some issues that have happened are some serious issues that causes a lot of strain on the relationship, a lack of trust on both parts, jealousy, and drama.
The last issue that we had was a pretty intense. So I told him in order for us to be together that you need to go to counseling. I only said this because he said that he wants to change his life because he's tired of the path that he's going down. I've in counseling myself so I know how affective it is.
I was told that IF he does decide to go that I need to atleast go to some sessions with him to learn how to deal with our relationship and to get rid of the past thinking and ways of how I handle him in the relationship.

My question is isn't it too early in a relationship to get counseling since we've only been dating for almost a year?
Additional Details
IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO READ THIS ENTIRE POST, PLEASE DON'T RESPOND TO IT. ALSO, I DON'T NEED TO GO INTO DETAILS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP. IF YOU CAN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION BASED OFF OF WHAT I PROVIDED, THEN THIS IS NOT FOR YOU TO ANSWER!!!


    




Becky Curta
Rating
In my opinion, as soon as you start a relationship. It all depends on how comfortable you are or are not in it.


Titli
search on Google


Daniela
You both need counselling - seperately and you need to break up.

"DATING NORMALLY LEADS TO MARRIAGE"

it does not, if that were true, no one would be single.


Wisen Smart
Rating
We are trying to help you out here and you are screaming at us? Be a bit more appreciative, now we can have an idea why you are having problems in your relationship.

My input on your situation is that you are "pushing" this relationship which does not seem to be working out from day one. If you are having difficulties the first year, I do not think going to a therapist is going to help much. The therapist will ask you what was it that you guys fell in love with each other and to remember those romantic good times which you do not seem to have. There is no solid background to make reference to, just a friendship.


wishnuwelltoo
Well I think counseling is a must for the both of you, for the very reasons he states. He needs to deal with his issues, but you also need to know how to deal with whatever he is going through. I battled my husband and his family for 21 years before it ended in divorce. I knew I was battling something with them, I just didn't know what it was. I also knew the other daughter in laws and son in law were going through the same thing, so I knew it wasn't my cheap perfume. If I had known 21 years ago what narcissistic personality disorder and Asperger's Syndrome were, I would have known what battles I couldn't win, and what issues he and his family had no control over. I look back now and realize that it was the Asperger's Syndrome that caused me a lot of hurt and pain over the years. I just didn't know what it was. He was good at hiding the Asperger's, and I had made a life of covering up for other people, so I covered up his behavior, not knowing what I was really dealing with. You might also consider that he go to a medical doctor to rule out something medical. We could guess 100 different things from bipolar to depression, and that would not be fair. We could possibly project a problem on him that he might not have. Go to the counseling, go together, and find out what you are dealing with, and then take it from there. Peace be with you.


Sydney
I think you need separate counseling. Im not trying to be rude but my daily wear contacts have been in longer then you to have been together.

I wish you both the best of luck for your relationship and if you to are meant to be together then you can sort through this without the counseling.

Counseling should only be necessary as a last resort like when you are parents or share responsibilities like a mortgage.

You two are still only dating, what is it going to be like when you live together,have kids get married?.

I suggest a nice holiday and fun times together, enjoy the 'honeymoon' stage.


jnjmommy
Rating
In my opinion it is too early. And I can tell that your relationship has gotten too intense too fast. A couple shouldn't be having that many problems so soon! All that is something married people deal with (or lifetime partners for people who don't believe in marriage). All I know is that if I was dating for under a year and all that happened I would have moved on. I've been married 2 years (together 3 years) and we didn't have our first fight until 2 months ago.

But in the end it is your choice. If you thing counseling will help and you love him that much then go for it.


maea
Rating
If this is a mutual decision and you both want a future together I say go for it. You have to let what happened in the past stay in the past to be able to move forward don't sweat the small stuff. There are not to many details as to what is causing all of your problems, but relationships take work and compromise it is a give take thing your gonna fight that is natural but keep it clean don't bring up old stuff.


Tony
I say if he is willing then maybe attend a few sessions, but he needs to primarily go for himself. Whatever issues you guys have are not a result of your relationship, but who you are as individuals. I love my wife but we are coming to an end because we did not address the issues we knew were there before we got married. Should of, could of, would of are not things you want to be saying when you start talking divorce. Dating does lead to marriage, but obviously it sounds like there is much to do before that can even be possible. I did not want to go to counseling early on, and I regret it.


M
Rating
It's never too early to get counselling and honestly it's better sooner than later because usually by the time people go, it's during 'crisis levels.'
However, from what you've said, it doesn't sound like your relationship has a good foundation. Lack of trust and constant drama will only get worse over time.
I've been there before and things did NOT improve. You are only a year in so if you can't resolve these very important issues, move on. Don't waste years with a man who can't be what you want him to be.
People generally don't change.


Dragonfly Girl
Rating
I hope you see this and read it, I know you asked this a week ago. But I have a little bit of a different perspective that you might want to hear. I've been with my S.O. for a year and a half. Before we met, we had both come out of very long and rocky relationships. We both wanted to do this one right, from the start. He suggested that we go to counseling, which we started when we'd been seeing each other for one month, before we had any problems at all. I am SO glad that we did this. It helped us learn to communicate with each other very well and understand each other's issues, and to work on our own. I don't know that we would have made it this long, because we had a rocky few months in there. But things have been excellent for several months now and we're looking forward to a bright future together. SO my answer to your question would be that it's never, ever too soon OR too late. Counseling, when done with an open mind, can help anyone at any time. Best of luck to you guys. :)


thatartistwin
I read your entire post and quite frankly, from what you write, I find you to be controlling, foolishly dismissing what may be your part in the troubles, as well as a loose cannon (given your totally unwarranted rant). I would probably suggest he find someone more suited to him while you possibly bet into more counseling.


dargonsilver
I think you were pretty clear originally. "YELLING" in your subsequent posts was a little off-putting, but I'll still throw my two cents in.

As to you suggesting counseling for him and his own personal issues: If you've been dating for a year, one would assume that you are indeed intimate enough with him to suggest this. Friends and family (the people one dates fall somewhere between friends and family) have a responsibility to see to the overall health and well-being of their loved ones. If you honestly and sincerely think that he needs some professional help sorting through his emotions, motivations, and/or past problems, then your position as someone close to him gives you a legitimate platform to share your concern with him.

As to whether the relationship will improve as a result of the counseling: That really depends. Change can and does happen for people. The way you describe it, though, you would both need to continue changing for a quite a long time before you both got to a point where you can handle each other with respect and dignity, with trust and without jealousy. It is *possible* but not *probable* if you know what I mean by that. Overall, I have more often seen that relationships fall apart anytime one person tries to change the other person too much. It may be that your concern for him in trying to convince him to get some help could ultimately actually help him while at the same time ruining your relationship. Does that make sense? In other words, your insistence on his going to counseling could simultaneously be seen in two ways by him. He could hear it as "I can't date you like this, you must change!" and "I'm concerned about your well-being and have experienced a lot of successful change by my own experiences."

Best of luck, whatever you decide. It is clear that you are well aware of the struggles you face. Is a rocky relationship worth it to YOU, regardless of what he decides? Rocky relationships are good for all of us to experience a little, since they teach us better relationship skills. But generally, the real purpose of being involved in a relationship is for the positives we hope to reap, including stability and trust.


Jade M
Don't bother with counseling, just break it off. This relationship sounds toxic. Some people are not meant to be together. You aren't married, you don't have kids together; there is no reason for you to have work this hard on your relationship. Cut your losses and move on.

BTW, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT KEEPS MAKING REFERENCES TO COUNSELING AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP..."ISN'T IT TOO EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP TO GET COUNSELING,...I NEED TO TO GO TO SOME OF THE SESSIONS TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP..


Joe Schmo
if youre thinking about counseling after a year its never gonna work out, think about how its gonna be in 5 years


bs
Rating
IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO READ THIS ENTIRE POST, PLEASE DON'T RESPOND TO IT. ALSO, I DON'T NEED TO GO INTO DETAILS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP. IF YOU CAN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION BASED OFF OF WHAT I PROVIDED, THEN THIS IS NOT FOR YOU TO ANSWER!!!


bejay
Rating
Why would you want to put a lot of time and money into something your not sure about. Isn't that kind of like buying a home on the beach right at the beginning of hurricane season.


jake696
I would say that couples counseling will not help you. Furthermore, you have your mind made up already and believe you can control it all. This is a self-centered and almost hostile post. You need counseling alright...but I'd suggest one on one w/ your shrink!


Mr. Fix It
Rating
You have completely avoided any details that would help formulate a worthwhile opinion.

What you have described sounds like normal tweener BS.
Eventually you both grow-up.


who m i 2 say
It's not too early for counseling. As a matter of fact, it's a good idea to resolve any personal issues that each of you have before taking the plunge into marriage.

My first marriage ended in a high conflict divorce. Part of it was due to the ex's personal issues. I thought that he resolved his issues a long time ago. However those issues came out after we had kids. And it helped destroy our marriage. His issues also affect his relationship with our kids today.

The other part of the marriage that lead to the divorce was the fact that we just couldn't see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues. There's no need to get into any details. But we had a lot of fun and were totally awesome in ...(behind closed doors)..... I will leave it at that.

Unfortunately what happens behind closed doors cannot keep a relationship afloat. And we currently do not communicate except in email form due to the kids.

Had we both gone to counseling and been very open and honest with our feelings, we probably never would have gotten married. We were acquaintances for 5 years. We dated for 2 years. Our marriage didn't last. And we now act like strangers - except for the kids that tie us together.


Eric
Rating
Probably you should wait to get counseling till after you graduate high school.


Nuch the Wise
Rating
Its not too early for counseliing. infact its late. Seriously why keep a relationship that starts out like this? Lack of trust breaks marriage talkless of a mere relationship. You must be a drama queen to have made it this far.


Steffie
Your right if he wants to change his life counseling would be beneficial. As for you going with him that is not necessary. This is his personal journey, he needs to sort out his issues.


Bear
if you need couples counseling before getting married, you are in serious trouble. from everything you've written, I would advise you to end the relationship and move on.


Pebbles5
I understand you love him, but you are not married, you are only dating. Its not worth it, get out now and find a man who isnt drama. Love yourself more, because you deserve way better.

one year into a relationship and already getting therapy is INSANE


Jack
Rating
If you need counseling, then it's not too soon for it.

Counseling in relationships always involves both people. As an example, if he is depressed then you both have a problem with depression. That doesn't mean that you are depressed. It only expresses the nature of a marital type of relationship.

If one of you hurts, then it hurts both of you.


???
Rating
It's more than time.


Aree
Rating
You are only dating not married so you don't need a relationship/marriage counselor. The real question you should be asking is should you be continuing the relationship or not, whether you see it going anywhere or can you see yourself in the long run marrying this person. If you can see it going somewhere then you both need to grow-up and work toward it together. If not and you both keep bickering like that then do yourselves a favor and stick to being friends and find other people.


maidmarian4groups
Rating
If he is a 100% willing partner, then I would go now. But, if he's really not wanting to go, then I would at least invite him to your counseling sessions a few times. Talk w/ your therapist about it - I'm sure they will have some ideas as well.

*FYI- What you get now (from him and you to him), is what you will have 10 years later if you get married. It won't change unless you choose to do it together. You can't change him and he can't change you.


Starfish
Rating
Why are you accepting this sort of pain and emotional anguish from a BOYFRIEND? The first year of a relationship should be easy, as both people are on their best behaviour.

If it starts out this badly, it will only get worse. If you accept it, why would he bother to change?

A lack of trust, jealousy, and drama??? WHY?

Move on. It is not supposed to be that hard.


bada bing bada boom
Rating
It's not early, in fact, it sounds like you should have gone to counseling together from the beginning. This relationship will take you no where, unless both of you respect each other. It's pretty evident from your question that "the relationship started out rocky, it gets pretty intense at times, not compromising, there is a lack of trust on both of your parts, also,, there are jealousy, and drama," etc.

Having "some common grounds, enjoying each others company, joking/laughing and talking together" etc. are good for friendship but are not a prescription for a happy marriage. You need more to it, both of you lack everything that's essential in a relationship like trust, understanding, open relationship (transparency), etc.





 Enter Your Message or Comment


User Name:  
User Email:   
Post a comment:




Legal Discussion Forum



Copyright (c) 2009-2013 Wiki Law 3k Tuesday, July 29, 2014 - Trusted legal information for you.
Archive: Forum  |  Forum  |  Forum  |  Links
0.054