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My husband is not ready for kids, and I am. He is stuck on the "financially stable" kick!?
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My husband is not ready for kids, and I am. He is stuck on the "financially stable" kick!?

My husband and I have only been married since April, but we have been dating since 2006. We have talked about kids many times. At first he said he would not be ready until he was like 30 years old! Which differs greatly from my parenthood dreams. So then he said he'd be ready around 24yrs old. Better. (We were 22 and 20...I'm younger....at the time) Then he was ready to try about a year ago, thinking about the birth control having to get out of my system and all, we figured it would take a while to get pregnant! Then he went up to him being 26 or 27. Well he is about to be 24 soon, and I'll be 23 a few months later. I'm ready now. I've been wanting to be a mom my whole life. I can't keep dealing with him changing his mind! I know we are young. But when it's time it's time! I can feel it in my gut that it is now or never for me. My mom was only able to have me because she waited until 27 to try for another, and she had cysts that took her entire reproductive system! My mother and I have very similar genetic make-up. I don't want to risk waiting and not being able to conceive. That would kill me emotionally! But he is wanting to wait for us to be financially stable enough to afford a baby! I can't get it through his head that that is not a legitimate goal. By the time we can afford it, we'll probably be in our 40s or 50s, and therefore it'll never happen! Sorry this is so long, but what do I do or say to make him see it from my point of view a little better?
Additional Details
Let me clear something up that a lot of you seem to misunderstand. I have NO intention of getting pregnant without his consent. I don't know where you could have possibly gotten that from in what I wrote! And no I have not been ready since my teens, that is 100% wrong! I have been ready to be a parent since I was about 20 years old, after we decided to get married! I have looked forward to motherhood much longer, that is true, but not been ready! My husband changes his mind on how long he wants to wait on a weekly basis! All I want is a straight answer from him! But he would rather buy beer and chill with his buddies than save the money to move forward! What I am trying to do is make him see that it's messed up to tell me you're ready, marry me, and change your mind! Then pretend the disagreement doesn't exist! So please don't misread what I'm asking for here. I need him to make up his mind about when to start trying, 10 years is to long for me to wait. We are all different.


    




2010-08-02 23:09:19 +0000
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My husband and I got two wonderful surprises, and as much as I would not change that for the world, we have struggled every inch of the way so far.
Now we have watched one couple that took their time having kids, (and chose together when time was right for both of them) and things have worked out for them every inch of the way.
I see you want to have both consents and that wonderful. I suggest that you try to understand why he wants to wait longer, and then you may understand when will be a good time to bring it up again, and have a straight forward answer.
Hope that helps, Good Luck.


2010-08-02 20:51:35 +0000
You can't make someone be ready to have kids or see it from your point of view. He isn't ready and you need to respect that.
With that said, very rarely is anyone ever financially stable enough to have kids...


2010-08-02 21:15:16 +0000
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Sorry, but you are very naive. He keeps changing his mind because you keep pressuring him. You cannot force him to be ready.

Someone said that you can never be financially stable enough in terms of having kids, which is correct, but at 23 and 21 I seriously doubt that both of you are financially or emotionally ready to do this just yet. If your long term health is an issue then see your doctor and ask about preventative measures and your risk of having the same condition as your mom. Since you're so well off financially, even think about freezing some of your eggs.

You are looking at him as if he's being irrational. Finances are a legitimate reason, your mother's health is not justification to rush someone into having children. There's no better way to wreck a marriage and become a single mom than having kids prematurely, especially being so young. I'm not trying to be condescending towards you, but as a new father myself, you are not respecting or probably even thinking about the financial and emotional toll a baby can take on a marriage or yourselves individually.


2010-08-02 21:10:46 +0000
Y does he need to see things better from your point of view? Y don't U want to see things better from HIS point of view? He has told U, time and again ,that he wants to wait until he is ready to have kids! But yet U still want to force him to have them because U are ready!! 2 me, that shows that U are in noway ready to b a mother! U are still very self-centered! Me! Me! Me! See things from MY point of view! I don't care what U want...give me what I want!! Did it ever occur to you that if U force him to have a kid now simply because U want 1 that it will turn totally 2 sh^t? Babies are not the glue to hold together a relationship! Chances are, they add WAY more stress 2 a relationship! So unless U are BOTH ready, it will cause more issues then it will solve! So maybe it isn't him that needs to see things in a different light...maybe it is U!


2010-08-02 20:56:39 +0000
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Me personally, I'd have to agree with your husband. Right now, the economy is not the best and he probably wants to feel more secure. I'm 38 and I've chosen not to have kids even though I'm in a stable relationship. I can't afford to stay home and neither can my significant other. He has three kids, but he too, wants more. We decided not to have any because of the economy. It is what it is, I'm sorry to say. Even when you get up in to your 40s, you can still concieve.


2010-08-02 20:57:26 +0000
You guys have been ready to have children since your teens but the question is are you ready to be parents?

There is a world of difference between the 2 and clearly neither one of you are ready.
He's not ready because he says so and you are not ready because you still think that you can actually convince someone to synch to your time-line of life.

Please do not bring a child into this world. You have no idea what you're getting into.


2010-08-02 20:52:17 +0000
Why do you want to have a baby by someone that does not want to be a father!!! Its clear that he is just telling you what you want to hear but your too young to see that!!! Get pregnant now and watch your relationship go down the drain!!!! You are a single parent in the making and your not smart enough to realize it!!!!


2010-08-02 21:32:19 +0000
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Don't force the issue. You are not ready for kids if you can't see that having kids with an unwilling man would be bad for the kids.

You simply WANT kids... if you were ready, you would have no problem waiting for your man to be ready knowing that it would tear your relationship apart and hurt your children if you forced it.

23 and 24 is pretty darn young to be having kids. We had them when we were 19 but that was 24 years ago and things have changed. It takes more money, education and such to make a go of life these days.

From a personal standpoint, I DEEPLY regret not having my finances in good order because this caused a TON of arguments between my wife and I when things got rough financially. The arguments really hurt the kids. Also, there were SOOO many things my kids had to go without because I didn't take more time to prepare.

Trust me... if you are really ready for kids, you will be MORE than emotionally ready. Money JUST as important as your emotional readiness.

Here is what I would use for a money guideline looking back. You can decide for yourself if you meet these criteria.

1. Two good cars paid in full - that will last for another 6 years with minimal repair.
2. A good house that you paid down on the mortgage fast and hard so that you have some equity and low monthly payments.
3. 2-3 months bills in savings.
4. Purchase most of your larger items like TV's, computers, Riding Lawn Mower... etc.

You have NO idea how expensive kids can be. If everything goes perfectly, it;s not that bad, but if one little thing goes wrong and you aren't financially prepared, you will never forgive yourself for not being better prepared.

My son was 17 and had an aneurysm. We spent the better part of 3 years in the hospital with him. He had brain surgery, gamma radiation treatment and his meds cost about 1300 a month.

This could have easily happened when he or either of the other two boys were much younger. Are you ready to deal with that financially? The cost of gas to and from the hospital... the months off work... the hotel costs that you have so that you can be close to the hospital... the multiple ambulance calls to your house...

We lucked out. Our insurance was REALLY good. The bill came to around 250000 for his treatments. Still, we have another 2 years of medical and misc. bills to pay that the insurance did not cover. Are you prepared enough to be there for your kids when things go wrong?

It's easy to be ready when looking at the best case scenario... you aren't ready until you are ready for real life problems.

If you took a year or two to push hard to prepare your finances before you have kids, you will better your kids lives by miles and miles. You won't be working when you should be with the kids because you have your finances in order.

If you really think you are ready, then you are ready financially for what I went through. It's SOOOO much more than simply being ready to deal with kids in the house.

I think what you are really saying is that you WANT kids now and don't want to do it right because you are impatient.


2010-08-02 21:03:20 +0000
You haven't even been married a year. What other goals do you have besides motherhood? Yes, you should wait till you are financially independent and some what stable. The government doesn't need any other kids to take care of. You and your husband should compromise and agree on an age and stick with it. He told you prior to marriage yet YOU keep asking. You are doing this to wear him down and get the answer you are happy with. Give it a rest and get your own financial security.


2010-08-02 20:53:47 +0000
If your husband is not wanting a child now you best bet is to let it go. If you end up getting pregnant on purpose without his knowledge he might just leave. I understand your concerns but sadly this is something that both of you need to be on the same page about before bringing a child into the world. Maybe you can get him to settle on a date to try that will work for you both. And let him know that once that date is set he cant change it again...


2010-08-02 20:49:42 +0000
You will never financially be stable .


2010-08-02 20:54:07 +0000
You DO need to be financially stable in order to provide they type of life you would want to for your children. My brother and sister in law are your age with a 6 month old. My parents have to help them buy clothes and diapers because she stays home with the baby and even with my brother working full time as a contract government employee (electrical engineer), they still have a hard time. Imagine if they had to pay for daycare!

What's the rush? You're still very young. Enjoy the company of your husband while it's just the two of you. Once kids enter the picture, EVERYTHING changes.


2010-08-02 21:04:38 +0000
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If you are this baby obsessed at 23, married less than a YEAR, he needs to run. Fast. Wanting a kid since you were 16 doesn't mean you shoud have one.

He doesn't want kids. That is why he is making excuses. It is obvious. There is nothing you can say to argue it, because it isn't about the money. He doesn't want children.


2010-08-02 20:58:57 +0000
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You both need to be ready for a baby, not just you! you can´t make him be ready!
The financially stable thing is a valid reason but also an excuse. The thing is, the other reasons he may have, are legitimate, but he can´t verbalize them!
You said you wouldn´t be able to handle not being able to conceive since it would kill you. But i am sure it would also be terrible for you to have a baby and break the marriage because of it. Babies are tough on marriages!!!!
So, wait a little bit. Dream on the baby that will come... and be patient. It is very important that you are!


2010-08-02 21:04:15 +0000
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Well, I'm with him. 20-24 is very young and MANY,MANY people are 30 to 40+ before having kids so your "!" means you don't know this is very common, especially with well educated couples.

Of course you and your mother have similar genetic make up - else she wouldn't be your mother. You need to compromise, wait a few more years - you 'll still be very young, more stable and mature as well.

EDIT: I think your husband is unsure as of now. Hence he can't give you an exact date. He's like many people, want's to wait a little longer and simply can't give an exact date yet, give him more time. I see you so want a family now and your frustrated but you are still young.


caterina
I completely disagree with everyone. I think wanting to be a Mother is NATURAL. Most men don't want kids, but it is selfish to keep their wives from having them. I had to wait a year but my husband is now happy we are having a baby. Financial concerns are important, especially in this economy but us poor people have had kids since the dawn of time...God will take care of you. I can understand if you just kept having tons of kids but for a man and a wife to have ONE baby for now is not too much to ask of humanity. BABIES are a blessing and a sacrifice...





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