Is it a minority of adoptees that feel this adoption pain?

sizesmith

There are lots of happy adoptees in the world. As an AP, I hope I help more foster to adopt children become more.

There are also unhappy adoptees, just as unhappy people. As a whole, people who sit at their computers a lot and type answers generally have a purpose. My own is to be educated about adoption from all sides. Others may be to pass boredom. Also, many of those who sit and type day in-day out suffer from mental illness, and are consistent in typing answers everyday.

At least I need to believe that after seeing some of the same ones every day.

beentheredonethat

I've never seen such negativity regarding the nature of adoption until I stumbled on this particular site. Never.

I am an adoptee. My sister is an adoptee. Several of my closest friends both now and when I was growing up are adoptees. I am an adoptive (and bio) parent. As such I socialize with other adoptive parents and their children ranging in age from newborn to adult. I am friends with several people who have made the heart wrenching decision that adoption for their bio children was their best option.

And while no one has been given a free pass on eternal happiness, at least not in this lifetime, I am completely shocked by the exceptional level of negativity that this place seems to attract.

Is adoption The Answer? No. There is no such one thing as The Answer. But I can tell you that of all of the thousands of various encounters and experiences I've had with others whose lives have been touched in any number of ways by adoption, this place, singularly, oozes pain and negativity.

I do believe this place draws the few minority people. Shockingly so.

Jackie B

I'm a happy adoptee and I certainly don't feel the way a lot of other people do concerning their adoption. I think this forum may be biased. Happy adopted children don't feel the need to talk about how wonderful it is. Unhappy adoptees feel they need to make their voices heard, that's not the say their feelings aren't validated. This forum seems to be a haven for unhappy adoptees. The only reason I am here is because I was interested in adopting. It seems this community despises all those who want to look into adoption. Just my opinion. It's truly is a slap in the face and a disservice to those who are looking into adoption and to be told you're opportunistic and selfish and only thinking of your own wants. Last I heard, in order to parent you have to actually want to BE a parent. Anti-adoption people here take that and make it out to be a way for APs to fulfill their own selfish needs. I don't think you can find a shred of evidence to say that a person's longing to be a parent has shown to be detrimental to the welfare of a child. I'm not talking about having a plaything or adopting for the financial perks. I'm talking about children needing a home and someone who has one to provide. I'm not sure how that can be viewed as sinister.

allchildrenareangels

I really think it is just a minority. I have also meet a lot of adoptees and haven't meet someone who was unhappy. I think the thing is the ones who are unhappy like to talk about it and warn others because they feel that adoption in general is negative. So as a result you see them on a lot of places like this. I do hope in time their hearts heal.

Love,
Michelle

Dreamweaver back for more

I didn't know about any of this until I started coming here and I have quite a few friends who are adopted

Heather ~ Not a Perfect Mom ~

I don't know many people that go about their everyday lives being angry. They may have strong feelings on a subject, but will not tell everyone they meet about them. So, on the outside they may look like a "happy" person, but they may let out their "unhappy" feelings on the internet where they have the anonymity to do so.

Now, I do not believe that all adoptees are unhappy. I think some, like Randy, are perfectly content with their life. There is nothing wrong with that either.

Stop the Hate Love instead

Thatâ€™s a good question and Iâ€™m not sure it could ever truly be answered because just like all things you might get different results. I have not known a ton of adoptees in real life but the ones have known have been at least content. I personnel have not felt loss or pain over be adopted. Frankly I am glad because after reading many peoples stories here Iâ€™d rather be content (at peace) about being adopted then to be the other way. Just like with Linny only the opposite I cant truly comprehend this loss even though I read about it and I feel for the person but as they say unless you have walked in someone elseâ€™s shoes can you truly ever fully comprehend it? That said i can more understand in someones case where they were abused in some way by their AP but I'd feel for anyone who was abused by as child no matter who it was by. Its not like I donâ€™t occasional think of my natural family I do but its never been a strong pull just sort of curious thought that quickly passes by.

In the end everyoneâ€™s feelings are their own, everyone experiences loss in this world in one shape or another. My dog just died and I feel an immense loss over that and I know I always will but I do not feel a loss for my natural family, thatâ€™s just how it is for me.

myst1998

Nope, other way round from the adoptees I know and have met thru the internet (thru various sites, not this one) and real life.

Are you really trying to understand? Most of your replies to answers and your questons have been deliberately trying to upset people. This is a very personal topic for many people and you have not been kind or gracious. If you are honestly trying to be educated, all well and good but if not, please take your bitterness and nastiness elsewhere. Thanks.

kateiskate is getting married

Are you an adoptee Ollie? I'm not sure where your passion for adoption comes from. I am adopted and happy and I live a good life, but I have felt pain that has been caused by my adoption. Coming from a closed adoption in a country that I can't remember at all, there are a lot of unanswered questions that I fear will always go unanswered. There's very little closure to that part of my life for me and yes that can be very painful.

I experienced pain from not looking like my family, to feeling "different" at times, or alientated because I looked so different. I love them and would not have my life any other way, but to deny the fact that I felt this pain is not fair to me and is only lying to myself.

I definitely have abandonment issues. I will readily admit that to anyone. My worst fear in life is to be left completely alone by everyone that matters most to me. I have learned that I try to test those closest to me to see how much they love me, how far unconditional love goes, what will make them leave me. There's no way it's coincidence that my fear has nothing to do with my having been relinqushed.

I'm not an unhappy person, (I consider myself positive and glad I have my adoptive family) but inside there will probably always be a little part of me that is sad for what I have lost even though I stay positive about what I gained (my adoptive family). If you met me on the street and asked me about the adoption, I wouldn't tell you about my pain, because that is my pain and mine alone and I don't think it is everyone's business. Maybe the happy adoptees you know feel pain too like me. In fact I'm sure deep down they do.

EDIT: I also wanted to add that before I came to this site I felt ashamed about admitting to my pain and admitting that it came from being adopted. I didn't want to say it out loud because I do love my family more than anything in this world, but now I realize it is ok for me to feel how I feel without taking away from them and their love for me. If I went to a site that had only happy answers I would have felt even more guilt about the pain that I feel.

almost human

For four decades I considered adoption a non-issue.
I certainly wouldn't have blamed any of my pain on adoption.

From a previous answer I made here:
"Adoption has never been something I was comfortable talking about growing up. I dismissed it as an issue and pushed it under a rug. I just wanted to live my life and try and be happy.

I threw myself into my interests - vocational, recreational, and relational with great fervor and passion. On the surface I appeared vibrant and successful. Yet nothing ever lasted. From childhood to present day, Iâ€™ve always been a little remote or a little too intense or a little too vested or a little too intimate.

At 43, after a failed relationship, I crashed. I crawled into a fetal position for two months surveying all my relationship disappointments and nearly didnâ€™t make it to my 44th birthday. Until one day the obvious hit me - that I had been living my entire life avoiding and fearing abandonment. And because avoidance had been my main focus, I was ill-equipped to handle the normal ebbs and flows of relationships most people learn to deal with. That the rough start of abandonment and adoption truly was profound. That it shaped my whole life. And confronting that wound and dealing with it in a more productive way will shape the last half of my life as well."

So yes, if that's what it takes before some adoptees begin to think deeply about their profound loss and begin to acknowledge some buried emotions, then of course we are a minority.

In fact, I am always impressed with the younger adoptees who come here who are so self-aware and empowered to speak out. And I think the number of adoptees that have issues with adoption is only going to grow and grow as they mature and begin to think critically about the profound and complex effects adoption has had on their lives. The adoptees that come here are just the tip of the huge iceberg that is surfacing.

What I truly wonder about is why happy adoptees come here at all? If adoption isn't an issue with them, then why are they investing their time here? When adoption wasn't a recognized issue with me, I was too busy getting on with my life to bother coming to a section of Y!A like this.

Methinks one doth protest too much...

Also, Y!A draws me here because it is one of the few sites where everyone gets to sit at the table and speak to each other openly without censorship.

blank stare

Basically, adoptees learn pretty quickly that it is not acceptable to express any negative emotions. So many adoptees who are unhappy with adoption don't say anything.

Now I have a question for you... Do you think the majority of people are unempathic like yourself? Or are people who like to dismiss other people's feelings just get drawn to this website?

â™¥ Nichole[never gives up]â™¥

I would say that a lot of adoptees feel pain. Just because your parents gave you a life that is desirable, does not mean they do not have a whole in their heart from not having the birth parents in their life's.

SJM

Have you ever been present at a birth? My daughter (who is 4) was born screaming. The nurses even commented because she was so loud. The second they placed her into my arms, she was quiet. I handed her to my son (who is 19 years older), and she remained quiet. The nurse took her to weigh and measure, and she began screaming again.

The doctor was having trouble getting my grandson (who is also 4) to start breathing. He and a nurse were patting him like crazy. I leaned over and whispered his name. He turned to look at me and began breathing.

Can you imagine being a little baby, fresh from the womb, looking for a familiar sound or smell and never finding one? Never. That's how I came into the world. Maybe if my mother had been allowed to at least hold me and say goodbye things would have been different. They weren't.

I don't think I'm unhappy, however. I was raised in my adopted home with a very strong sense of family. My dad would lay down his life for me without even thinking twice. My feelings toward adoption arise from conscience. I cannot in good conscience walk away from my family. Even if they were not there for the first 21 years of my life, and even if I have two families, I cannot walk away. My conscience forbids it. I refuse to excuse those who took me from my family against the will of my mother.

You can call that anger if you like. I call it integrity.

2/20/2009

My daughter's father is adopted. He would really like to meet his birth parents but knows nothing about them and his adoptive parents (especially mother) offer nothing to help find them. The whole situation of him being adopted is sad to him. Can you imagine not knowing anybody in this world that is biologically related to you? He has his daughter now, but I would be so lost. He doesn't understand how his birth mother could just give him up.

Caitlin D

I'm a foster child not an adoptee but all my life I've felt pain. I have a feeling its going to be with me my entire life but how can I know for sure? Hontestly i've never though about wether or not im a minority but ive never met a happy foster child and only one happy adoptee.

Lori A

I think the real question is what are they unhappy with. Because people are unhappy about adoption does not mean it is a personal attack on their parents. It is the practice of adoption itself, not the people. It is the corruption, lies, betrayal, never ending circle of smoke screens, the cloak and dagger, never tell, none of your business, go away and forget about it that bothers so many. Its the negating of human life.

Why is it so hard to understand that adoption has become corrupt and it needs to change? That most of these people are not doing this for themselves? That adoption is not exactly what the brochure says it is?

I wasn't going to answer this question, but in all honesty I'm glad your still here. Think about it, if the brochure told the truth who would be attracted?

Zuko

I don't think that ANYbody really sails through life without feeling pain.

Do you think that most non-relinquished children sail through life appreciating what they have been given by their parents? This is the same thing as telling adoptees they need to be grateful.

Well. I don't think that adoptees should be any more or less grateful than any non-adoptee, thank you very much.

And even if you haven't met an unhappy adoptee, it doesn't mean that they don't feel some sort of loss. Some people are better adjusted than others. Some people have great experiences while others have wretched ones.

It only makes sense that someone who was adopted into a home that was open, loving, and HONEST would be more likely to be better adjusted than someone who was adopted into a horrible home full of abuse, secrets, and/or lies. Does that mean that the first adoptee in the fabulous home doesn't experience loss?

No.

Of course they experience some sort of loss. Whether or not they choose to acknowledge it depends on the individual's life experiences and personality... who they are.

I can tell you right now. I acknowledge my loss. I acknowledge that I am upset over certain things that happened regarding my adoption. But that does not mean that I'm IN PAIN constantly, or that I can't appreciate what I have?

Quite the contrary... I'm a happy, successful woman. I'm doing what I love most and on the way to making it my career. I love my parents. ALL FOUR OF THEM. I love my siblings... the 6 biological and the 1 adopted.

So is it your platform, then, that because I'm happy and because I love both my families with all of my very being that I would be a better person were I to just 'sail through life' and 'appreciate what I have been given' without 'this pain.' Because to do that would be to ignore my own feelings... Ignoring how one feels or shoving it down doesn't seem like something a very well adjusted, happy person would do to me.

Obias

Ollie, I am amazed at your questions. Not for the mere fact that you're asking them, but for your lack of understanding natural human curiosity and emotion!!

No matter your religion or beliefs, we all agree a woman is supposed to give birth... yes? And raise her own flesh and blood. Still with me?
Ok, but wait, what happens when a woman gives birth, but she doesn't keep her child. Instead she gives it to another mother, another father. WOULDN'T IT BE ONLY NATURAL, AS A HUMAN BEING, for that child to grow up feeling slightly empty, hurt, confused or maybe even just a teensy bit curious? Yes, yes I think it would.

The only reason I'm getting angry with your rainbow confessions is because I feel that you're saying to me, because I have some not-so-perfect moments with my family, I am an ungrateful person. And that rubs me the wrong way. I love my family (yes, adoptive family) more than anything on this earth. And because I so deeply love them, I don't sweep important things under the rug.

By the way, I'd LOVE to meet these people whom you call the majority of the adoptee world who apparently don't possess any human emotion. Are you sure you haven't just imagined these people within the four walls of your mind? I'm not sure who to feel sorry for in your situation, but I'm sad that you've been taught expressing feelings about your own life is a bad thing.

jeni5844@yahoo.com

i have lots of adoptee friends who do not come here and they hate adoption just as much as i do.

ziglet

How many adoptees do you know? I'm not sure what website you are referring to but the adoptees that I know, and there are a few, all have a feeling of loss in some way or another. They may not all be aware that many of their hurt and angry feelings are tied into this loss (I know, armchair psychiatry), but because I know so many, I see their pain and had a very self aware adoptee clue me in.
That doesn't mean they don't appreciate having been raised by caring people, but not knowing their blood relatives leaves a pretty big hole and lots of unanswered questions. This does not mean they are always miserable and sad and unhappy. They can be very happy, positive people, they just have this pain that many of us will never understand.
I think losing one's birth family is probably one of the most painful things a kid can go through that will effect their life forever (outside of the more disgusting things people do to kids).

DevonChaos

I know that I feel great pain over it. I don't know how many others there are who do. I have met a great deal of people who are upset with very parts of their adoptions, though. Ranging from not knowing who their parents really are, medical history, through to feelings of abandonment.

MamaKate is an Aunt!

I can't say if it is a minority or not. Why don't you take a poll?

I personally know several "unhappy" adopted people as well as several content ones. I know some who seem contented but when asked about adoption had several complaints about it. I know some who hate their APs and some who adore theirs. I know some who think adoption is wonderful and some who think it is the worst thing ever. It's not something people have openly talked about in the past.

The internet has made it possible for people to voice their feelings in a public forum and there are plenty of sites and blogs out there about the pain of adoption from several sides of the issue. Google "anti-adoption", "adoption reform", "adoptee blog" or some other related key words, and I'm sure you will find many more adopted people echoing the sentiments you've heard here.

You will probably also find several pages of articles and criticisms towards 'anti-adoption", "adoption reform" and "unhappy adoptees" too -which you will probably enjoy. Unfortunately, ignoring people who do take issue with things or criticizing and/or belittling people's feelings and concerns does nothing to change the source of the problems that create these people's feelings and concerns.

Adoption has issues. Period. It is complicated and not everyone feels the way you do. Why is that so hard to understand? Why do you think that because your experience was so great that we should ignore the problems that other people have? Especially if there are more than just a few of them?

The number of people who take issue with current adoption practices should indicate that there is SOMETHING that needs to be addressed. If you think everyone should have the same kind of experience you did, why be so dismissive of the fact that there are many cases where it is not? If there are so many people who are "happy" and content with current practices, why do you think there are so many search sites and questions from people seeking answers and reunions?

I don't understand where YOU are coming from.Why would you argue that it must be these "unhappy adoptees" who are the problem (blaming the victim?) and not the issues in adoption that might be the cause? Why would you be so against examining the flaws in adoption and working to fix them in order to PREVENT the problems you hear people talking about?

I think if you really want to understand why people have these POVs, you might want to research where they are coming from.

Independ"ant"

Who knows how many exactly.......has an adoption agency cared enough to keep contact with family's to find out or do they just say c'est la vie after the check clears.

If its not good for business they don't want anyone to know.

kitta

I was a teenager myself when I first became aware of the pain in adoption. There was no internet then.

We had several friends who were adopted and were trying to search for natural parents. They expressed loss and confusion, and wanted to know their relatives.
A few years after graduation, a high school friend of mine , who had been adopted at birth and was troubled with identity issues, committed suicide.

All of my life, I have met people who have expressed loss from adoption. Several of my neighbors and relatives have reunited with their lost family members, as have I.

In my work, I saw children who were adopted and they expressed pain about their adoption losses. At that time I still did not think that adoption harmed most children, but I was forced to listen to what these children were saying. It was their needs that mattered.

Loss in adoption has a long history.People have tried to reunite with their families for a long time.

A movie, made in 1946, called "To Each His Own" tells a story a surrender, adoption and reunion.

This has been going on for a very long time. Each generation that comes along thinks it is something new.

Of course, the 'something new" is mostly marketing.

SLY

When I finally began to be aware of the corrupt practice that adoption is, I was talking to my husband about my son's behavior. He thought that my son was an anomaly and the only adoptee with issues. I tried to explain to him that it is often the case. He became really angry with me and said, "But, adoption is a good thing. I know some adoptees and they had wonderful lives." I said to him, "How do you know? Did you live in their house? Did you see inside their head and their heart? Were you aware of their every feeling and thought?" He got really quiet, and began to really think that day. He is my staunchest supporter in my stance now. I don't believe that it is the minority of adoptees that feel this pain, nor that it is a minority of mothers. Some remain silent due to fear; some due to shame. But, I believe to a greater or lesser degree that it is the rule rather than the exception.

Lady Rowan

A lot of adoptees feel, if not pain, a loss. I know i felt hurt when i found out i was adopted, even though i was, and am, happy in my life. I wondered why my bio mom n gave me away, and all of that stuff.

i dont think anyone SAILS through life, adopted or not.

Randy B

I was adopted as an infant and I've known I was adopted from as young as I can remember. I've never felt any of this "pain" that everyone talks about and says that all adoptees feel. I've never wondered for more then a few seconds who my birth parents may have been or why I was placed for adoption. I'm not saying that it's that way for all adoptees or that all feel pain but its never been a factor for me. I've always preferred to look forward rather then backwards and my glass has always been half full and not half empty. What may I have had in the way of a life had I not been adopted? I don't know and I've never wondered about it because I've had a great life and been very happy with my family and friends. For those who feel pain, I'm very sorry for them and I'm sure it's real. I can only wish that they get the comfort and healing that they want somehow.

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