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is my husband treating me bad or is it me?
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is my husband treating me bad or is it me?

on one hand he says he loves me and is great but then he will pick arguments,gets very nasty and will go out on bender leaving me and kids with no money ect.ive had proof of his cheating but always denies it and says its in my head.doesnt show affection very often.i dont have social life as im so low and run down.hes a good husband wen hes nice but it doesnt last and im going round in circles.dont have confidence anymore and he tells me everything is in my head and its all my own doing.to everyone else hes great but makes me look week and pathetic.theres much more but wud take forever but i cant see how i can move on.i feel isolated and like im going crazy.how can he be so nice and yet so horrible?


BeautyBreak H
Talk to him or involve family members.

he is the one with the problem here and you are the one who is suffering for it. You need to get out and take you children with you to a womans shelter or something or you parents. You need time to find out what you want to do but you cant do that while you are still with him. This isnt something that has just happened overnight to you he has probably been treating you like this for some time and now you are afraid for your future. Leave for a while and write to him explaining what he has done to make you take such a drastic step. You are not along there are lots of women out there in the same boat get help now dont wait until you have nothing left of yourself.

never blame yourself for the actions of your husband...he's behaving unreasonably bad he's not supporting you financially, in fact he's being a selfish little pig, he's on the piss all the time, he's cheated, so what makes this your fault? ...good husbands are nice all the time, not just every now and then, he's also playing with your emotions making it look like your the nut and it's all in the imagination...i don't like your husband hun, i really don't....if i were you i would get to a solicitor and draw up his divorce papers...he's playing mental head games with you, so that's why your feeling so bad...don't allow this any more...even if it means moving out with your kids, at least you wont have to look at this evil excuse of a human any more....do the right thing for you and your kids and get shut of the s**t in your life...he's not a husband, he's a lying freeloading pig....good husbands stick by their families...not leave them with nothing...you can do better...

it sounds like to me , that your husband is looking for a way out of your marriage,especially when he,s picking arguments,he is regularly seeing someone else,but he wants his cake and eat it,and as long as you keep giving it to him,he,ll take it.of course he,ll tell you he loves you and you keep believing him,he,s nice to you because he knows you love him,why?oh why?are you staying with him?,he,s never going to change,you have proof he,s cheating on you,do,nt give him the chance to leave you,because he,ll blame you for the breakdown,then where will you be? (with nothing ) what he,s doing to you is mental torture,he,s nearly there from what your saying about yourself,for god,s sake leave him,and give the kids a better life as well as yourself,your kids depend on you you,ll be no good if you go one step further and have a breakdown.your marriage is not built on love it,s built on torture.you deserve better than that,and so do the kids.don,t wait till the kids grow up ,it,s far too late then you will bitterly regret it.i know of many women that have done that ,and they are so bitter ,they now don,t have a life it was left too late. don,t think too long about it,because you will end up putting up with it.do,nt be another one added to the list of bitter women giving their lives to someone who truly does,nt deserve it,and your husband does,nt.you won,t regret it,believe me.

Filthy Lucre
He may be bipolar, or paranoid/schizophrenic. Or have some other type of mental/emotional/personality disorder.

The 1st thing you MUST do is get counseling. And if he is not willing, then be sure to go by yourself.

He's abusing you - very badly. He's messing with your head and making you emotionally confused. All this is so that he can do whatever he likes,( going on benders, leaving you with the kids and no money , cheating etc.) and you'll think he's a nice guy! He's told you it's all in your head - and he's put it there so you'll be so confused you won't know your **** from your elbow. Dump him before you have to kill him. It's not that easy to get rid of bodies these days.

You sound exactly like me 5 years ago. i was married to a man who could be funny and loving , turn his hand to anything , but drink was his down fall and made life for me and the kids hell. I walked on eggshells for years (30) he would pick arguments so that he could storm out and would be gone for days never held down a job for more that a few weeks, always too hung over to go in. when the kids were older i went to computer classes at night, he tried to belittle me about it but i carried on, got a job which he was jealous of , then big argument he hit my 16 year old son who hit him back, I decided then and there he would have to leave not easy police involved but now i live with one son who is at college, i have a job which pays the bills. But I am in control, relaxed, happy and wished i had left him years ago. i dont think your husband will change but you can i wish you luck.

Happy Murcia
I think you should have a serious talk with him, suggest counselling. If he is opposed to this and continues to treat you like this, leave him.....
You say he has cheated, well if this is the case you will have lost trust which is one of the most valuable things in a relationship and once lost very hard to regain.
Get some counselling for yourself to regain your confidence which he seems to have drained you of, once you regain this he will see a different you, hopefully one that will not put up with being a doormat...
Good luck

Your husband sounds like a emotional bully, and making you feel it is all in your mind is all part of it, I have seen it before.
You deserve to be happy all the time, not just when he feels like it.
I know it will be hard, but you know in your heart that you have to leave him, and make a happier life for yourself and your children.
Don't allow him to do this to you any longer!!
you will look back and realise what a good choice you made, and wonder why you didnt do it a long time ago.
good luck.

Judging by what you say i would be out of there. I wouldnt be putting up with any of that

Get rid of him!! He is not a good husband and father if he will happily leave you and the children with no money whilst he spends it on beer. Bet he causes the arguments so that he can storm out on a bender right? I know its hard and nobody wants to break thier marriage up but for your own sanity and self respect you have to. This man has no respect for you, he's cheated on you, he may have caught an STD which he could pass on to you.

Its the carrot and the stick treatment,its about control ,keeping you down keeps him up.You would get so much financial support with out him,your home would be peaceful, no more dramas,only you can decide what to do,its not you ,however you are definitely in a mentally abusive relationship.YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!!!!!you Will move on,you have started by asking for help,I will pray for youx

I really feel for you .
Clearly what you have said suggests he is treating you and your children badly. You need to work on your confidence as I think you know the answer but your doubting yourself through lack of confidence .

From what you have said I would suggest that you end the relationship however I know you won't do that as you haven't the strengh to. My advice is to check out every avenue to help yourself become stronger and then decide what your to do .
Speak to your doctor as well as you do sound depressed . Build your mental strengh up and then deal with your partner . Remember you are important and your children are and you deserve the best .
I wish you the very best of luck xxx


Sorry but if he has cheated and you have proof then you need to get out of there, he obviously doesnt respect you enough. A marraige is a 2 way thing and each deserves the same love and respect and a chance to be happy in the relationship. Ask him if he is happy or not and tell him u r not and why? sometimes blokes are oblivious to anyone elses feelings. good luck xx

You are being abused by a classic abuser. Your self esteem is already waivering.
Get out while you have a shred of your self left.
It will be hard to leave, but it will be worth it in the long run.
Believe me - I left an abuser and am now married to a wonderful, kind man.
You don't deserve his abuse.
Your children will learn this behavior and model it when they grow up. Save their future and yours!!!

Get counseling through your local battered women's shelter or social services.

I wish you the best of luck.

it aint just u hun... u sound miserable and thats the truth, i think u need to leave...

Whilst you were writing this down - did anything become clearer to you?

From what you wrote I would say that you are on the verge of deciding that you have to take action and you are at the point we all get to when we just want someone to tell us what to do - mainly because all our self respect has been torn away.

I think that you need to stat making some plans - you need to be getting a little bit of money behind you - pennies at a time if it is scarce - start talking to womens refuge - you dont have to be beaten up to talk to them - you just need to want a little bit of help - they will not MAKE you do anything - and they do not judge. Try to get some addresses of people that will help you - friends, family - again - the women at the refuge will help.

For the sake of your children - if not for you - then you have to start taking action because he is going to drain you and drain you until you have not the will nor the ability to get out.

Yours is a story that I have lived through and know of many women you have got through it. Come on think about it - how much worse is it going to be away from him and making a life of your own. No - it is not going to be easy but it is reclaiming your life - and he does not own that nor does he have the right to destroy it along with his own.

Start slowly making arrangements and get as much help and informatioon as you can. YOU CAN DO THIS - THOUSANDS OF WOMEN DO IT ALL THE TIME.

Good luck my friend - I shall be thinking of you x

kay n
It is time for you to move on...NO ONE deserves to be treated this badly by a man who is insecure, and feels that he is more than you are...he is an addict, and acting worse than a child. If he was indeed your friend, he would tell you honestly what he is going through, and seek counselling. You are a very important person, the mother of his children, and worthy of being treated with RESPECT and maintaining dignity....IT IS NOT in your head. Let go of the looser, he treats you nicely when he wants to because he is feeling guilty. This man is not worth it...even for the sake of having a father for your children. It is time for him to pay for his actions. The children will feel the negative energy and react to it in a definate way...act out, be angry, sick, emotionally scarred...walk away from him, seek a lawyer and get out...YOU are a wonderful human being...DO NOT let this man treat you like a door mat!!

I'm sorry to say it love, but he's being a bully. He's got you exactly where he wants you. He can go out and 'enjoy himself' but he knows you won't be going anywhere because of the children. He is the one responsible for your lack of confidence and self worth and because of this, he can get away with cheating. You have to be strong, and get out of that house/situation; if not for you then for your children.
It's no good for them to see Mummy and Daddy arguing all the time and Mummy being down and upset. More importantly it's teaching boys how to treat women and girls what to put up with (albeit subconsciously).
I realise it's easy for a stranger to say that especially when I'm not in your situation, but you cannot go on like this forever. You don't deserve to. A couple of prescious moments when hubby is 'normal' isn't worth putting up with all that crap for.
Only you will decide when that time is right but you have to do something drastic. Is there someone you can move in with for a while? Having some time alone will make him realise what he's lostand it he doesn't......he doesn't deserve you and his lovely family.
Have you spoken to him about this? Perhaps suggest councelling as a last ditch attempt at making things work?
Do you have any friends you could go out with? Arrange a baby sitter and go out for the night. Even if it's just to a friends house for a natter? It'll make you feel a bit more independent and your confidence will slowly rise.

Good luck.

well that's not my idea of how you treat your spouse and it sounds like you feel like a doormat, and he's treating you like one. Sorry, but I couldn't put up with that, this hot and cold behaviour. Your husband should understand that if he undermines you and gives you cause to feel jealous, then you become more possessive and upset, which in turn probably causes him to treat you badly because he doesn't like your behaviour and then he goes out, which leaves you feeling upset, etc.- it's a vicious circle.
I'd suggest marriage counselling as a necessity here. His behaviour sounds suspicious - might be nothing but from what you say, you have had grounds to be suspicious in the past. Get counselling for the both of you and make him go.

Because he is not well, it sounds as if he maybe suffers from a personality disorder. Try talking to him, or his family or even the doctor. I think you will have to be the strong one in this relationship, I am sure that you are not going crazy, he probably realises that it's his fault but is unable to control his actions. Try to help him as well as taking care of yourself, I'm sure he loves you, however he possibly feels scared to show it in case you leave him.

from what you say you are in an abusive relationship and you need to get help. is there anyone you can talk to whom you trust who will give you some support? a family member or close friend or do you go to church?
it is a terribly hard thing to acknowledge i know when you have got to the point where you don't trust yourself anymore, your husband is telling you it is in your head. that is why you need to talk to someone who can give you the eassurance that how he behaves is wrong.
i have been there and none of my friends realised because i had always been such a 'strong' woman. this man convinced me noone else would ever have me, that i was useless and thoughtless, etc etc. he blamed me for his behaviour and made me lose all my self esteem and love.
unfortunately men like this very rarely change.
i hope you find the courage to talk to someone about this and get teh support you need to get out of this awful situation,
big hugs

overworked mum
i read your question and i could really cry for you, your relationship is a replica of mine until 2 years ago. i was married to a man who everyone including my family thought was the perfect husband and father. its called brainwashed and i was for 20 years he would pick rows just to go out drinking then not come home and when he eventually did it was always my fault because he said i nagged. he is totally mentally abusing you please go to the library or a bookshop in the morning and get a book on being in an abused relationship which i did. before i read this book i felt suicidal because he was loving and caring 1 minute then like a stranger the next. i found out he had been having affairs, and up and left with my kids. i read every book at the library about abusing relationships and realised that this strong manly lovable person i was married to was really a weak child who lacked self confidence in his self. it was his problems that he couldnt deal with. it had nothing to do with me yet i was the one who had suffered for years. he could be moody and degrading to me when we were on our own yet 10 minutes later if we went out with his friends he would treat me with respect and as though i was really special. it is an act, and it wasnt until i told my best friend and she said that i could of won an oscar for my acting qualities because for years no one ever dreamed that we were not a perfect couple, but thats because i didnt want to be disloyal to him. there is a book called charming men make dangerous lovers, i have even got me daughter to read it. i am now free u only have 1 life go live it to the full without this weak man. i never want my daughter to grow up thinking that this was a normal was for her partner to treat her when she eventually meets him. 2 years on my husband regularly asks me to go back and always tells me how much he loves me and that he will change but i could never put myself back in that relationship because i was not living just existing. good luck to you i hope everything works out for you just like it did for me

he,s a control freak, he chooses wen to be nice to you wen he, he, he ,he , decides ,get out and take your children wiv you , trust me you will find happiness again .

I have a friend whos husband did exactly the same thing to her in order to control her but she got the confidence to stand up for herself and tell him that if he didnt change his attitude towards her that he should get out. He is making YOU feel bad when in actual fact its him thats the problem. You need to find a friend or family member to give you some support and tell him that your a mother to HIS children and you work hard and you need him at home to help look after the kids.
Your not his servant your his wife.
My heart goes out for you and you should never think this is your fault thats what he wants you to think and I have to agree with some of the other respondants that he is just a bully and we all know that bully is just another word for COWARD.

I know I'm going to point out the obvious here but... life is short - it's too short to put up with this kind of abuse. You sound like a good, kind person and you do not deserve to be treated like this - nobody does. When would it get better if you stayed with him? Would it ever?? Why put up with this when you could find a much better life with someone else who will appreciate and love you for who you are? Believe me... I have never been married but I have been in two very destructive relationships where the men involved were 'nice' at times like your husband and that's the excuse I'd use when I was getting grief from friends/parents etc for being with them. You know in your heart and soul that this is not your destiny. Your destiny is to be happy and for your kids to be also.

I know many people believe that you should work hard at a marriage and try to save it, but sometimes it takes a lot more courage and bravery to get out of a relationship like this - and sometimes it's the only solution. Don't get me wrong, if you decide to leave, it will be hard and you'll wonder time and again if you've done the right thing.... keep remembering that staying with this man would be the mistake and look to the future. Don't destroy your soul any longer. One last thing, your kids will be better off out of this situation than in it. Best of luck. I hope what you decide works out for you, x

You should of left him when he first cheated on you. Why be with someome who treats you badly? Are you hoping things will change and you'll have the perfect Cleaver family? It ain't gonna happen so get out when you can. It never ends.

You have to get some of your inner strength back. He is taking the p**s out of your good nature and believe me...it will destroy you and you will spiral into doormat status for the rest of your life.

Is this truly what you want? You are with him because he is (or can be) 'nice'. He should be nice all the time. You should be his princess...his first and last thought. And you're not.

He picks rows so that he CAN go out. My ex admitted that he often did this - I would rather him just have said 'Let's stop fighting and go out somewhere a bit different'. He can still have a sensible beer or three and you are 'together' as a couple with the 'row' forgotten and in the past...

As for the affairs - if you have 'proof' then why are you still putting up with him? Are you frightened of what the future holds? Are you worried about the kids? Well I am in the same situation and I tell you this...I am a far better person, more relaxed, friendlier, less stressed, more confident and ready to battle the world WITHOUT him around me. You have more time to devote to being better when someone like this is NOT around you.

I can soon find someone to change the throttle cable on my bike if I need to! Or, by Christ, I will DO IT MYSELF!

You feel isolated because he has made you that way. If you were anywhere near to me I would come and get you twice a week and even if we sat in the pub over a coke and poured our hearts out to each other, HE would see that you CAN have a life of your own which does not revolve around HIM.

Get some socialising done - and get some friends of your own. Please don't feel isolated. It is soul destroying.

He is not 'nice' because he shows you a modicum of the love and affection you SHOULD have anyhow! You have become so starved of affection that you then blow up out of all reasonable proportion the little that he does give to you. This isn't 'nice' and deep down you know it.

It starts and ends with you...

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