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should I give him a deadline?
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should I give him a deadline?

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now and we are not extremely young. He is 30, I am just about 26. I really don't think that he is thinking about asking me to marry him anytime soon. I have had this deadline in my mind from the beggining that I would give him until the end of this year to make up his mind to either ask me to marry him or move on. Of course he doesn't know about this, but do you think it's fair? I mean, I'm not going to waste several more years in my life if he has no desire to get married. I have told him how I feel-yet he doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from with all this. Being a woman-my clock is ticking. I don't want to be well in my 30's when I have my first child. Call me crazy, but what would you do?


    




2007-11-14 03:28:02 +0000
It's OK to give an ultimatum, just mean it if you say it. It could backfire.


2007-11-14 01:12:49 +0000
My mother had me when she was 36. I was her second child, so I think she had my brother at about 34. I think my parents were married a good 5 or 6 years before they even though about kids.

Anyway...

We are at a new day and age... why don't you ask him to marry you? I know that may not be what you always dreamed about as a girl but it's something. And if he says no, then yes, maybe you should start to think about moving on. Do don't have to do the whole down on one knee thing, but ask him if he ever thinks about marriage.

I don't know, maybe that's a crazy idea.

But thats my two cents.


2007-11-14 01:12:22 +0000
I'm totally on your side girl. I think u r sooo right.
Now about leaving him. What does the heart tell you? You love him? From what I can see not enough. You want something more stable in your life and he is not that thing. You want to start a family and settle down and he couldn't care less. If you love him so much, then don't leave him, stay with him, get urself pregnant and move on, you don't have to be married to start a family. U can even pretend that it was an accident, c what his reaction is. Depends what u want more in life!! And just go for it! That's what I would do. Good Luck!!


2007-11-14 01:07:41 +0000
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There is no reason to wait till your 30 to have a child. As a matter of fact that would be the best idea, so you can get settled more with money. Trust me I am 26 and struggling. with 2 kids..SO i learned the hard way but i love my kids no matter what.


2007-11-14 01:10:00 +0000
You might want to frame it differently than a deadline. Just explain that you will be moving on at some point so that you can become a wife and mother. Then you can move on any time you are comfortable with it.


2007-11-14 01:08:27 +0000
I would ask him


Are you going to marry me or are you happy as we are now?


2007-11-14 01:10:56 +0000
its over girl beleive me just by reading your question i can tell you will never marry this guy because if you truelly loved someone you would not put a timetable on things.why do you girls have to ruin things by demanding to get married.we will marry you when were dam good and ready to settle down


2007-11-14 10:30:15 +0000
The thing is, you have to have "The Talk" with him. In a very careful way. Believe me, men are not mindreaders. The best advice I can give you is this: see www.manslations.com and look up Shelby's post about marriage. It's worth it and may save your relationship.


2007-11-14 01:43:02 +0000
Men often will get comfortable with a situation such as you are in now and it simply doesn't occur to them that you want more of a commitment. Where does he stand on having children. Does he want children with you? Does he ever want to get married or is he happy with the way things are. Ask him. Ask him where he wants to be in 5 years. When you know what is going on inside his head then you will be better prepared to make life changing decisions for yourself.


2007-11-14 01:08:47 +0000
i think you are being more than fair. good luck.


2007-11-14 01:07:35 +0000
sure


2007-11-14 01:52:52 +0000
You have to let him know there's a deadline.You don't have to do it bluntly, just during a casual conversaton. Remember, we men are not mind readers and we have to have time digest just what we are being asked! Heaven forbid if we just blurt something out!! JK

Good luck!


2007-11-14 01:09:37 +0000
Well, men don't like ultimatums... heck, no one does. But, you may have to tell him. He might get mad, and it may end the relationship because like you said, you want to get married and start a family, and he doesn't. Maybe you can just sit down and have a talk with him. Ask him where he sees himself in 5 years, and where you fit into it? Less scary than an ultimatum, and you'll know what he's thinking about.


2007-11-14 01:08:48 +0000
Rating
WTF? Are you just in that relationship to get a husband out of it or because you like the guy? A deadline? Give me a break.


2007-11-14 01:12:21 +0000
I know how you feel.



You should have a chat and ask him if marriage is his intention........and that you need to know. I think your should know a person well enough after 2 years, to know if you would want to get married to them etc......Tell him what you stated in this question..............that for peace of mind, you need to know that your both on the same page.

On the other hand, my partner of 2 years ( we are both divorced) .......said flat out to me , that he has no intentions of 'discussing' it with me, that one day he will just ask 'out of the blue' because he wants me to be in complete shock, tears and emotion etc.......so maybe your guy feels that way too?


2007-11-14 01:14:34 +0000
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I would just come right out and ask him "Do you think we'll marry each other one day"? There's no sense in beating around the bush about it. If this is a person you want to marry, then you shouldn't feel uncomfortable asking him about anything. Communication, as we all know, is a key factor in a relationship. So stop wondering and start asking. Good luck!


2007-11-14 01:08:12 +0000
sit down and talk with him, he doesn't have a clue as to what you have been planning. give him a fair chance


2007-11-14 01:33:09 +0000
I think it is reasonable. It would be a shame to end up missing your own choices in life because you partner doesn't share your vision.
That said... I would be very careful to not make it sound like an ultimatum...... Present this with LOVE and understanding. He has every right to have his own vision....
Neither of you are right or wrong.. it's merely a different life choice.


2007-11-14 01:08:41 +0000
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Well if you have been with him this long and love him then no. It may be a while before you fing someone else like that. However by the end of the year you need to talk to him and ask him where this is going.


2007-11-14 01:09:37 +0000
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I'd relax. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person with or without kids? Sounds like the kids are more important to you then having a relationship with this guy.


2007-11-14 01:09:59 +0000
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don't give him a deadline you no boy always late maybe he gonna ask you in chrismas ev

AND GOOD LUCK WHITE THAT OK

HOPE HE ASK YOU ON CHRISMAS EV

LIKE MY UNCLE HE ASK HER GIRL FRIEND CAN SHE MARY HER IT WAS 12:00 AM CHRISMAS EV

SEE WAIT YOU DONT NO WHAT GONNA HAPPEN

AND HAVE A LITTLE CHART WITH HIM LIKE SAY DO YOU WAN TO MARIE ME

DO YOU LIKE ME SAY THSE KIND OF

SO MY MOM MADE ME WHEN SHE WAS 33 SHE HAVE FIVE KID I'M THE LAST ONE


2007-11-14 01:08:23 +0000
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i would give him a deadline plus if he cant make it obviously he wasnt gonna marry u anyways and plus after 2 years u should know if u want to marry someone or not


2007-11-14 01:17:51 +0000
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first of all, if you're going to put ultimatums in your head, and they involve another person in any way, you MUST tell them.

secondly, you're not crazy for setting goals, wanting certain things to happen in your life by a certain time, etc. but at the same time, do accept that he may not have those same goals in mind. so you may very well need go on and move on.

more often than not, if and when you leave him, it'll probably trigger something inside of him that'll make him want to marry you finally. you know the whole, don't know what you've got til it's gone. just don't put all your hope in it , since there is the possibility that it won't happen.


2007-11-14 01:12:52 +0000
wow..you guys have been together for nearly two years. why bother throwing that away? if he has been faithful towards you then why leave him? if you truly love him and he truly loves you, you should stay together. sometimes people arent ready to get married whether they have been with someone for 2 years or even 5 years and also 10 years. it just takes time. you should never ever put a deadline on something so strong and that has been a big part of your life. maybe he will ask you to marry him by the end of the year, but you should wait and see. wait to see whether he knows your the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with because honestly, why would you want to throw away your relationship with him if you have gotten this far already?


2007-11-14 01:08:39 +0000
Yes, but only if you are absolutely prepared to walk away if he does not meet it.


2007-11-14 02:45:28 +0000
Rating
If you really love him then you wont give him an ultimatum. It really does sound like you care more about a ring on your finger and kids than the guy you are in a relationship with.
With an attitude like that, I'd suggest you leave him and let him find a woman who is not as controlling.


2007-11-14 01:17:26 +0000
Give him the ultimatium if you are prepared to leave if his answer is still that he doesn't want to get married. However, do you really want to marry a guy that wasn't that into marrying you in the first place? You just really have to follow your heart on this one and play out all of the senerios in your mind and decide what you are willing to lose and what you will be gaining. Will he always resent you for pushing him into something that he didn't feel 100% ready for?


2007-11-14 01:15:05 +0000
been there, done that.
tell him, he's had the game and now you want the name. if he's not up to that you would prefer to move on to someone that is. you can think about it for ------- months. if you do not commit by then I'm not going to see you any more.
keep in mind, this is an ultimatum. he may call you on it and say no marriage now... you will have to truly decide if you want to be strung along forever or move on.
i have been married to my ultimatum husband for 30 years. (we were together for 3 years when i decided enough was enough) marriage or bye bye.





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