i'm confused...why are so many people on here against adoption?

Member Jane	The horror stories are often shared, while the experiences your family have had are not. A few horror stories will get some people against adoption, when they ignore the many success stories, and then there are people who have experienced adoption first-hand and could never support it because of what they have been through.

Snow Snow Snow!	I'm not bitter, Chelsea (another user here) asked this Q yesterday and i asked a similar one earlier today, i don't get it at all, as im so happy that i was adopted into a loving home as my mother couldn't take care of me instead of friends i have that got "shipped" from foster home to foster home wishing to be adopted and then you have these morons on here saying how bad it is! i can understand dealing with not knowing your "real" mother can be hard (i don't find it hard, i know my TRUE mother, she is the one who raised me and loved me, i have no bad feelings towards my biological mother but she choose to give me up for adoption for a better life and if i was bitter like these others i would be diminishing her one gift to me by trying to give me a better life) they choose to blame everyone except the woman who gave them up and because they know the truth deep inside that it was her choice they become bitter and are bashing adoption all around which is WRONG!!! they say its "selling" children but at the end of the day it gets these children a home and the money goes to back ground checks/home visits/transport to get the baby/finding a baby in the first place etc.... they read a few bad stories online and suddenly this is how everything is, well i can write a load of BS online to doesn't make it FACT. yes i believe there will be some corruption in some adoption companies but there is in EVERYTHING in the world, nothing is perfect. but to bash adoption and maybe put people off adopting and there fore costing a child a new home is just SICK! i also work with teens that are in the "system" right now and they would kill for a home and not have to share a room with 5 other kids all up for adoption, not only having to think "why didn't my mother want me" but "why doesn't ANYONE want me" they would be sick to see all these "adult" adoptee's bashing it and putting people off when they grew up with families, they have no clue what its like to be in the "system" that long you have lost hope! they had families and dare to be so cynical about it when others are crying out for a family of their own. shut up and just be grateful you had a loving family (of wait grateful is a word they hate turning into im saying they should be more grateful than "biological children" well what i mean i you should be a s grateful as every person should feel for having a loving family, i know im grateful for my loving parents when i could have ended up with a bad family, just like many children are stuck with abusive parents and wish to get away but cant.) the thing is EVERYONE loves a good sympathy card and these guys love to play it, try thinking of the children dying in Africa from starvation and disease, oh but don't you dare think of adopting one and bringing it to a country with ample food, water and medical care oh hell no, you will take it from its "culture" oh so he/she will die at 15 at least she died in an orphanage surrounded by other people in her situation and in her own culture! (that's what someone said in my Q earlier that children are better off with children in the same situation in their own culture but they don't look at the facts do they) lilloric: children are born into families EVERYDAY and those parents have NO interviews at all and abuse the children, that is a VERY stupid comment, no matter how many interviews you do people can put on a front, at least the adopted children have a screening process, the children born into abuse have NOTHING and that a LOT more common

Meg	I'm confused too! "Life is hard and then you die." Life is also unfair, but would these kids without homes want to spend their youth in foster care, or would they want to take a shot at being a permanent part of someone's family? It's a risk, but so is everything worthwhile in life. I was not adopted, but my family was dysfuntional. But you know what, that is my family and those are the cards that I was dealt. To all of the bitter adoptees out there, welcome to life and deal with it!

l e n	Everyone will think that they are the ones not being listened too. You find good stories? Yes. You find bad stories? Yes. Talk to some one in 25 yrs and you may find someone who has no issues about adoption at all. Biological or adoptive, some parents are just messed up. I really don't think adoption is the issue, it's how it was handled by mature loving parents or immature unkind ones and the people who surrounded you and ultimately yourself choosing to hold on to the negative or to let it go and move on. That is the real issue, to define yourself through your adoptive status is damaging and does not define your worth in this world, only you do that. I am sorry for anyones bad experience, but why it is they must judge even the good experiences and make them seem bad in the process is beyond me.

AdoreHim	After being here for awhile, I think that I have come up with an answer that may help you understand. I too cannot comprehend how many negatives there are here, but that does not negate that there are negatives. I don't think anyone including Linny G, actually would lie about their situations. And if anyone has ever thought that I meant to negate the negative feelings, because I don't have any, is wrong. What upsets me is the fact that some, not necessarily Linny G, is the fact that they have to make it seem like I am a liar or a crazy woman because I actually did experience a good adoption. That said- we all go through things in life that are negative. I have had things happen to me health wise, and family wise that absolutely have nothing to do with adoption, but I am learning to make lemonade out of the lemons that life can throw any one of us, and I think that is what we all need to do. Let us not negate the negative feelings here , I am sure that they are real. And I pray that those who have not had good experience would not be bitter toward those of us that have.

anonymous	Ok, well I'm confused too...you say you don't have to be adopted to be bitter, but you want to know why adoptees are bitter? Anyone can be bitter, that's true..so why are you attacking adoptees? We speak of our experience and feelings. We want to be heard and not dismissed by people like you who know know someone who is adopted and is 'doing great'. If you looked at my life, you probably would think I'm doing great too...I have a degree and a good job, etc...but I don't go around telling people of my deepest,darkest feelings. How do you know how your sister's fiancee really feels deep down? Also, in statistics one or two people does not make a research study. Just because you know one person who seems to be ok with being adopted, does not mean that the majority do. We are entitled to our thoughts and feelings, and unless you have lived being adopted, you have no place to judge us.

Serenity71	A lot of it is from personal experiences. No matter what it is if it affects someones life then you're going to have conflict and some people won't like it. Adoption isn't any different in that way, some have had good experiences and others didn't. I don't mind reading the good and the bad, often its how its presented will depend if I chose to listen to what a person is saying. A friend who spent his life in foster care said something the other day that caught my attention. "Some people are survivors and some are victims. And we all have a choice on which one we'll be and I shose to be a survivor every time." He's a survivor with an amazing attitude towards life, and after his life experiences if he chose to hate his mother and fostering I wouldn't blame him. Its not to say he wasn't hurt by what happened to him, just that he accepts he can't change all of it, and he's a positive person depite. The thing is his wife also came from an abusive parental background, yet she's wonderful in her attitude to life too and acknowledges the pain in her life but it doesn't rule her life. The abuse was bad, even she wondered why she left with her parents and not taken by social services and placed into foster care. I guess living in an isolated farm hide a lot of what was going on from neighbours. Just how life is, why does everyone expect everyone else to feel the same way as they do about life.

myst1998	Thanks! I just posted yesterday that adoptees get called bitter and there you go proving my point... Anyway... who are you to judge anyone when you have NO IDEA what you are going on about? There are more reasons to be against than for adoption, try doing some research as there is lots out there, if you are willing to be open minded.

gypsywinter	OMG! How many times a day, a week can this same question be asked?? How many times a day...can adult adoptees be accused of being 'bitter' and the OP automatically assuming that some adult adoptees had a 'bad experience'?? Talk about a broken record! OP? did you not bother at all to read a whole lot here at YA Adoption, including Resolved Questions, before you asked your question? Or did you assume your question had never been asked before and was quite original?

Mama Bear	You're right I don't have to be adopted to be "bitter". I'm "bitter" about my dad's adoption. He died when i was 9 before he got the chance to find his natural mother. So now i am missing half of my medical history, half of my heritage and will have to spend hundreds to thousand on DNA test to find out if i am related to my husband. Worse part is my grandmother knows my natural grandmother's name and will not help us search for her. Which is extremely selfish on her part. I'm also "bitter" at the fact that because i was unwed and pregnant i was told i was unfit to mother. Never mind i have a family to support me, never mind the father wanted to parent and has the means to, never mind I am more then able to parent this child on my own. I'm still unfit and should give my child to a more deserving couple rolls eyes. Money doesn't equal a better life. I'm all for adoption if it is necessary but 99.9% of the time it isn't. It is people manipulating, lying and coerced the mother into signing her rights over. Not to mention the emotional problems that come with ripping a child away from its mother, including abandonment and trust issues. Do some research on the practices of infant adoption and the effects it has on adoptees, maybe then you'll change your mind.

Pip	I'm not adopted and have a dysfunctional which includes a mother who was emotionally abusive towards until I put distance between myself and my family. Am I bitter? No I'm not. My son is adopted and has had a good life. Is he bitter? I don't think he is but has major issues with being adopted. Now I don't think that many people here are against adoption, most are like me they don't like unethical or coerced adoptions. I personally do not have a problem with a child being removed from their parents if the child is being abused. What I object to are the tactics used to 'persuade' mothers to surrender. I was coerced into surrendering my son despite wanting to raise him, being capable of raising and was working so was financially able to do so without having to claim benefits. My parents were adamant he was adopted. I wasn't shown any paperwork, I wasn't told my rights, I was blatantly lied to as this was the only way to get the adoption through and it's questionable I signed anything. Very conveniently nobody can find the Consent to Relinquish Form so I can't prove either way if my signature is or isn't on it. What happened to me was forced adoption which is actually illegal in the UK. I have right to be angry for being put through what I did and my son hates my parents for what they did to me. The point is not everybody has a positive adoption experience so you have no right to criticise anybody who has had a negative experience.

LinnyG	Because we're adopted. Thanks, Ferbs. It means a lot when adoptive parents acknowledge what we go through. Talk to your cousin's Russian adoptling in 25 years. You may be singing a different tune. Pfffttttt.

Ferbs	ok...we have...um..."bitter" in there? Yep ok..we have...um..."against adoption"? Yep ah...and the example of adoptions that went well...IA too! Truly, I am not trying to be rude. And that's the truth. It's just that sometimes I feel like I'm seeing double, triple etc... You've been here since August and you haven't ONCE seen an answer to this question? Honestly? You're right...you don't have to be adopted to be bitter. But it's your right like anyone else. The "bitter" voices here speak from experience. Out of YA...you can get all the loving adoption stories you want. And that's great because they do exist. We happen to be a good example of that, I believe. But any number of great adoptions doesn't negate one crappy adoption experience. Everyone deserves to heard. Have a good day.