Am I wrong to disipline my 14 yr old son..?

persian_fereshteh924	This is common "post-disiplinary-guilt". Its common, but not when disiplining teens. Now, by the looks of it, you need to talk to your son. A heart to heart conversation. That's the only way to get through this. This cannot be done at the house, it must be at a different setting that is quiet. Try the beach, or a park. Sit him down and tell him that he must change for his own good. Tell him you love and care for him and that's why you do disipline him. He must listen and make it truely "heart to heart". Do this ASAP. Try it tomorrow. The sooner the better.

charlotte m	Absolutely not! How else will your son learn how to respect hisself and others. Friends, computer, phone, t.v., etc.. is a privilage, not a right. He needs to earn them. No wonder he acts out!! Speaking from experience, I know how you feel. When my boys return from their fathers, they are unruly. But I know that dicipline is what they need. Afterall, you want your sonto grow into a respectalble man. sincerely, a mother of three charlotte

liza	First you need to decide who has custody of your son. If you do then you need to enforce it. Second you need to sit down with dad and have a talk. Then have a talk with your son. If Your son keeps this up he will be in a gang or in trouble real soon. either get some counseling or talk to a lawyer or a officer they maybe able to give you some advice on how to handle what you are going through. I said the officers because I know of another child that was doing some of the same things you described and he was but in juvenile detention that is not a place you want your child.

SapphireB	YOU are right, the father is WRONG WRONG. If the father would do like you and stick to it, there would be very few problems with him like there is. The father is letting him do as he pleases and that is why he keeps running back to "daddy". And as far as grounding, I thought that meant you loose stuff, and the more you act up the more you loose, and that includes no friends over, no phone, no TV,etc. He acts up, loose one thing, acts up again, loose something else,etc. And at the same time, you do good --get one thing back, then two, and etc. Your doing the right thing, but dad needs to do his part like you, other wise you will not get anywhere with this. It is like fighting a loosing battle.

dappersmom	no you definitely need to discipline him and his dad needs his butt kicked. doesn't he realize what he's doing?? you need to somehow get his dad on the same page. this is sooooo awful for your son! doesn't his dad want him to grow up to be something? in the real world doesnt he have to take responsibility for his actions? yes of course he does, so your ex is doing nothing but teaching him how NOT to be an adult! honestly if i was the custodial parent i wouldn't let the ex see the kid until he grows up himself and starts being a parent.

chika	good luck i have a 16 yo daughter and i done all that you have done grounded taken phones computer her father never agreed he bought her with everything and guess what money dont but respect we are very close now all that money he spent on her means nothing to her now he was never really there for her when she needed him but mum was never give up it does get better well in my case it did hang in there n goodluck

goldie	As long as his father wants to play the good guy & make you the villan, you're going to have to set guidelines & stick to them. Someone has to be the adult in a child/parent relationship & your husband doesn't sound anymore mature than your son. Of course he's probably backing your son so he'll like him and think he's cool. You're absolutely right to set guidelines. Why not try another approach where your son is responsible for helping t make the rules. Sit down together with a sheet of paper divided into half, with one side action, the other consequences. Ask your son what he thinks would be fair for staying out past curfew, for instance. He's going to try to get away with murder, but keep at him until he comes up with results you both can live with. Do that with each problem area you have--even if it's taking out the garbage. Be willing to compromise on some of the issues so he can see you're trying to help him. When the rule is broken be sure to institute the punishment immediately. If he gives you any grief, remind him he had a part in the decision making and needs to stand by his word like a man would. Is there any other male figure (relative, friend, coach?) that could have a talk with him? Right now he doesn't feel he needs to respect you, but maybe someone else who has had an influence on him that he looks up to could show him he's headed for serious trouble. Does your law enforcement agencies have programs for kids like your son where they talk to them and show them what it's like to be in juvenile detention? As harsh as it may be, he's out of control and you may have to have him tested for drug use and put into a program. You both need therapy--for your peace of mind and for coping mechanisms, and together so he can learn to respect you and your rules. I wish you the best. He's at a bad time in his life now and he needs you to stay strong for him. Don't give up.

JZ	You are trying to do the right thing! The boy's father is a lousy parent and a bad influence on him. You must be firm with your son and teach him that there are responsibilities that he must live up to if he is to enjoy the luxuries in life. You must talk with your son and his father together and explain how you feel. Your son MUST learn to follow rules, and his father has to grow-up and take his parenting responsibilities seriously. Go to his school and talk to a counselor - maybe they can point you to an agency or someone who can help or give advice. You are trying to be a good mother and raise the boy properly - don't forget that, and be proud of yourself for realizing that you have a duty as a parent. I wish you all the best! Take care! I'm proud of you!

Brian R	Ok, from personal experience, the olden times where parents smack their kids should be legally allowed. Physically abusing your kid when you are drunk for no reason is not good but if your son does something wrong, I tihn that you should have all the right to smack him a few times. and dont do the whole spanking over lap thing, hes too old for that. its time to use the belt. If all you do is take stuff away, he realizes that he has items. Many of the people in foreign countries do not have those simple items. But plase, beat you kid. I suggest a belt, slipper, or old fashoned pimp smack across the face. then you have to sit down and talk to him. If you let him run-away, he will return. hes 14 years old. and don't ever show your kid that you are upset or that you are compassionate for him when he does things. eg, dont say, "we are only doing this because we love you". That never works. even better, get his hopes up for certain things such as drivers liscense and dont let him get it. But also don't be snooping round his room. totally outta line.

plumbman_10	Let the dady pay for his mistakes when he makes them. Then he will realize he should have wuuped his tail for the troubles. For all you who do not spank kids shame on you .You are doing no good service for you kid. your hubby is a wimp.

pisces	Hmmmmmm yes I remember these days very well, my daughter used to do the same thing to me, run to dads, well one day I helped her pack her bags shoved her out the door and turned the lights off and shut the door. God I hated myself. Anyway she sat out the back for 3 hours then knocked and wanted to come in. I told her she was welcome to go to her dads anytime, but while she lived under my roof she obeyed my rules and got my love. The decision was hers.It was hard, but now we have a great relationship and her father didnt really want her anyway which she now realises. Yes, restrict his cherished belongings until he toes the line, he will appreciate you for it in the end, or he will go live at his dads and you wont have theproblem. Good Luck from one who knows.

baby-boo	to me you are one of the good mothers in the world cause i seen your situation but on the other foot . make his * stay with his father .eventually he will show his * to his father and before long his dad will be slapping his *** up. sometimes it takes harse action when it comes down to dealing with kids

CRYSTAL S	IT SOUNDS LIKE THE FATHER NEEDS TO HELP YOU MORE WITH YOUR SON...NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES FROM NO DISCIPLINE OR TOO MUCH FOR THAT MATTER ...IT SOUNDS TO ME THAT WHAT YOU R DOING IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO...IF THINGS DON'T CHANGE I THINK YOU SHOULD TALK YOUR EX-INTO SOME FAMILY COUNSELING WITH U AND YOU SON..IF HE DOESN'T GO FOR IT MAYBE JUST U AND YOUR SON SHOULD GO IT MAY DO SOME GOOD ....IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED TO FIND A WAY TO GET A HOLD ON THE SITUATION BEFORE IT GETS OUT OF HAND...

freespiritpassingthrough	No, you're not wrong, but you have little chance if he has somewhere else to go where there are no rules. Until his father gets on board with the same type of discipline, I'm afraid you're out of luck.

Melissa R	My sister went through a rebellion stage too. She wanted attention, I was getting married, having a baby, buying a house, etc. You need to sit down and talk with him. Give him some curfews and rules, then tell him what he will gain if he abbides by them. It's hard the your ex won't help. He's trying to be the "good parent" . But, friends with divorced parents have told me that they might be the easy parent, but they have no respect for that parent at all. Grounded means grounded, no friends, computer, telephone. Tv is ok cause he'll drive you nuts. Explain how you feel when he runs away, how scared you are, then if he runs away again, call the cops. might scare him if they come after him. I wish you all the best of luck.

pt	Unfortunately, the problem is not with your son but his father. As long as you are not in agreement about his upbringing and he doesn't support you in disciplining, your son will take every advantage he can. Your son will never learn to take responsiblity for his actions if father says one thing and you another. Sorry, It sounds like a battle and tough situation. Are any of you willing to go to counseling?

Sharon P	Simple answer to a common problem!! BOOT CAMP!!! He thinks your being a hard-*** on him, wait till he gets outta boot camp, he wil be thanking god for you everyday!!

krazych1nky	What have YOU been doing? This brings me to my idea of parenting. I just answered a question about social sciences not too long ago about the our diminishing society that we will never get again. The reason why he thinks there's no need for consequences because you're NOT punishing him. My best idea is to send him to the military, that's the best way if you're not able to handle his behaviors much longer. I have a friend who was sent to the military due to his etiquette and behaviors. When he came back, he became a different person, everything about him changed physically and mentally. Military makes them a lot more disciplined. And may I suggest one thing? Send him to the military ASAP at this age because if he continues, it will become habitual and he won't ever have a chance to succeed in anything. Do the right thing. Moreover, I also think your husband is doing a terrible job as a father, I think you should insinuate that to him. Maybe both of you guys don't control your son enough. Of course, America is the land of the free, but come on, it will continue to contaminate our humanity, our mankind. It will continue to plague and it will soon spread throughout the world like the bubonic plague. Something should be stopped. Step up, guys. Do something, there's nothing much for you guys left, really. You're really doing a horrendous job trying to discipline your son, it might've been the lack of lectures you've been giving your child. Really, step it UP.

The Musafir	i agree on discipling kids. its true that kids of today have grown more independent but its is utlimately the parents role in making a kid a better person for society

mustbnice	It may be a good idea for your son to stay with his father. You are going all the right things, but some times your not the one with the problem. your son needs to learn the hard way, let his father have him for a while let him see what you go throw because right now he's just playing the good parent. let him wonder where his son is. you just trust that god will keep him safe and tell him you are sick of putting up with his stuff and send him packing.

marks3kids	You are on the right path. You need to provide discipline for your son. It doesn't matter what his father says, if you have custody it is your duty to make sure he grows up learning respect, politeness, and rules. Your choice is to visit him in Juvenile Hall. It sounds like he is already heading that way, so you have to provide Tough Love now more than ever. Good Luck

myname	You should disipline him, he will never learn if you don't do anything about this behaiver.

MellyMel	No you're right. He needs discipline. Grounding means no friends over and no leaving. Enforce it. And taking away his computer is a smart move. My mom used to unplug the internet on my brother's computer and he eventually learned to behave.

Meow	That kid needs a wake-up call. Give it to him.

dvz	Hey, Bust his butt.. If he does not want to do as yo say and he wants to run to his father, tell him to pack his bag and hit the bircks. I raised my son by myself and I know what I am talking about.. Tell him to shape up or ship out.. Tell the Father to take care of him for awhile.. I doubt if it would last more than a week.

ncmjohns	If you discipline it says you care. If you let your children run you, you are better off leaving the house.

Zane T	id check into a drug problem perhaps this also happened with my 15 year old daughter and before i found out about it it was too late. she is out of treatment now for about a month and is better. but no your not wrong

stseukn	No, it's not. You are wrong it you don't! Sit down with him, write down the rules clearly, and explain the consequences. By the way, grounding does mean no friends, cell phone/phone, computer, or e-mail. What's the point of being grounded if your room is like a hotel? If he gets to the computer, password protect it so he can't use it and take away his cell phone. The next time he stays out all night, call the police and report him as a runaway and tell them where you think he is. If he is at your husband's place and the police won't do anything, leave him there. If your husband is not supportive and your son ignores everything you say and runs to his father's house, then that is where he needs to be. Permanently (at least until he gets a clue). Pack his things and drop them off. Your husband is not going to want to take care of a kid (shop, cook, laundry, school, etc) and hopefully your son will figure out how lucky he is to have someone who actually cares about his future. Your home is not a hotel and you are not a wallet there to provide things for him whenever he feels like it. This kid is 14 years old and already rules the roost. If he doesn't get a serious wake up call quickly, it's only going to go downhill from here (for all of you). Your ex-husband obviously has no respect for you and walks all over you. That is where your son has learned this behavior. It's time for you to stand up to both of them. Neither one of them is giong to change if you let them both continue to behave this way. Let your son know that you love him more than anything and he is always welcome to come back home on a permanent basis if he is willing to follow the rules and attend school. Otherwise, the revolving door is closed and he cannot run back and forth between you and your ex. This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you must do it. Good luck and God Bless.