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How do I know when to let go of an alcoholic spouse.?
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How do I know when to let go of an alcoholic spouse.?

Been married to a police officer and fucional alcololic for 15 years, my heart tells me to love him and try to help him, and my mind tells me to let go because my son and I deserved better. I feel so lonely and sad all the time. I just wish the police department had some kind of support group for us wifes. I know that there's a lot more woman like me out there. Is very fustrating because some of this cops just cover for eachother, and never get into any trouble. I just need some advice. I depend on him 100% with finances, I feel helpless. Don't have any support from his family. They're all alcoholics too.







thomywilliams
Rating
The fact that u r asking this question should b confirmation that it is time to let him go. Maybe the fact that u depend on him financially is what's keeping u hanging on to him.


Liz
The time to move on was when you first realized he was an alcoholic who had no intentions of doing anything about it. You don't need a "police officers' wives support club", you need to stop sitting on your behind and whining. Things are not going to change unless you change them. You've wasted 15 years of your life already, don't you think that's enough? You say you are financially dependent on him, well in those 15 years you could have gotten yourself any amount of education you needed to start a successful career of your own.


Mel W
Let him go immediately. Don't just do it for you, do it for your child. Do you want your son to use his dad as a role model?? The first step is to believe you can do it. You won't move forward if you don't have faith in your capabilities. Get some advice from a financial advisor, that's what they're there for. They should be able to come up with a financial plan that is practicable for you. Granted this may mean you will need to find work etc.. but there are plenty of employment opportunities out there for mothers re-entering the workforce and many employers now promote a healthy "work/life balance" and are flexible with working hours.


a parent hows been there !!
hi sweetheart you need to start thinking what you want out of life and it seems really clear that youre at the end of the rope with this relationship ,so start looking for a advice centre in youre area where you can go and sit down and get information on what where and how you can move on with youre life ,as someone with a drink problem is never going to change if they are quite happily getting away with it and with the other police officers covering his butt .....he is never going to change ,but that doesnt mean that you are to stick in this relationship ,and you never know this might be the kick in the backside that he needs ,to get him to see that youre not living like this any more .......and if you do decide to do this he will say that he is going to change if you go back ,do youre self a favour dont fall for this line tell him to prove it ,tell him to go and get help and start that then you'll think about moving back ,you really have to be hard on him about this as he is not going to like the fact that youre not settling for this any more so he is going to be angry and rude but dont back down you do not have to put up with this kind of life ,there was no line in the marriage service that said "i promise to put up with youre drinking problem " was there ?,well dont except it and it is not fair on youre son ,he deserves a home that is happy and safe ,ive seen kids that have fathers and mothers that drink and it is not easy or fair on them .....so please for youre self and youre son get advise and get ready to make youre husband stop and think ,the road a head is not going to be a easy one if you start doing this ,but the road that youre on is not a nice one either you are living with a man that has a drinking problem ,and living like this on a daily basis is draining and a unhappy one .......youre choice now ....but what ever you choose look after youre self an youre son ,and i really hope things sort them selfs out for you both .....take care xx


Any answers please
Rating
I agree with AL-ANON Once you have more knowledge and emotional support, you can let him know that if he wants to save his marrriage, he will need to change his habits My mother was a alcoholic that then turned into a drunk. But AA convinced her to go to rehab to help herself, and she's been sober and doing well for a while now


Katkin
Rating
15 years ago would have been the best time, but better late than never. Get your son out of there. Tomorrow will do.


rosie b
Rating
I think you let go of him a long time ago and didn't want to admit it to your self. I know the feeling . You said you depend on him 100% .Don't tell him you want to leave , tell him your going to look for a job to get out of the house. Knowing a alcoholic they don't like change, so that might be a dilima.You might just have to up rut and leave. So start tucking money away. for a apt. and go on line to look for jobs. because you will get alamony and child support but when is the question. There is also welfare . If he is a violent or abusive ,verbally , emotionally alcoholic there is a hot line for you to call here is there ph# 1-800-799-7233 please write it down and if you don't use it today you might need it in the future. e-mail me if you need any emotional support. Your friend


daljack
What kind of life is your son seeing living with an alcoholic. He deserves better.....get a job and do what you need to do to break this cycle.


Betty M
Rating
After 15 years, you know he is never going to stop drinking. This is what happens when you totally depend on a man to support you. Stop procrastinating and making excuses for why you chose to make you and your son live this way. Get a job, go to college, and become financially in dependant. With my medical background, I can tell you that you don't want to be married to this guy when he has destroyed so many brain cells from years of drinking that he finally has alcoholic dementia. You think it's hard to live with him now? Just wait....in the near future, it's going to be a whole lot worse. If I were you, I would take out a really big life insurance policy on him.


P J
What you say is true.There seems to be very little out there for women,even though we are supposed to be so progressive.First you have to believe you are worth more than the life you are leading.You must want it more than your comfortable agony.The agony becomes so deep seeded you will begin to hate your self.You will never forgive yourself for allowing your son to grow up with the horrible sight of this addictions growth.It does not stop here it becomes violent. You need to visualize your change.Start finding ways to save.We all can do it when we want out bad enough. Al-Anon really can help you find your feet.Good Luck.


adventuregirl
Leave!!!! Your life was mine until January of 2008. I was married to a cop for 10 years. He chose his family over me :( I love a cop, I do. But, cops have a special brand of problems and the department is not any help to wives. You are not going to find much help with the department or with the family. Mix a cop of 15 years with alcoholism and you have a time bomb. If he does not want help and is not willing to go to EAP, substance abuse treatment, or marriage counseling, then there is nothing you can do. Get a job and move out. If he wants to save the marriage, he will do what needs to be done. if you stay he will not wake up without some other disaster happening, you will continue to ENABLE him. there is no need for change if you are around. This will be the hardest thing that you do. I know, because I had to learn to do everthing as I was dependent on my ex for everything. he was an excellent provider. I live here with no family of my own. they are all overseas. His family was mine and they alienated me when he decided to leave. the family will usually choose family over in-law. You will respect yourself more if you went out on your own. He will comeback when he figures out his priority. You are competing with his god called alcohol. Move out and be open to change. You have a son, he may wake up if he realizes how much you both mean to him. Educate your self and your son if he is old enough to understand through ALANON meetings. 3 reasons for education, 1 to see how you are enabling, 2. to know what needs to be done if he decides to get help, and 3. to make sure that your son does not continue the cycle when he grow up. Good luck.


Billy B
Tell him what you told us and that you love him and he needs help. By the way, he's NOT a functional alcoholic because it's (the alcohol) is destroying his marriage. Suggest treatment or AA. There's also support groups for those that have an alcoholic in their lives, it's called alanon. If he doesn't respond and get help or at the very least cut way back on the drinking, you may have no choice but to leave. They have support shelters and you could work part time and he'd also being be obligated to pay child support.


Jenny
Rating
You are in one of the toughest positions to be in. Your respectable, controlling, and community helping husband is addicted. You depend on him financially, if not emotionally, and he has a support system that you don't have. My strongest recommendation is to silently attend al-anon. This is not AA (alcohol annonymous), which it gets confused with. Al-anon is for family members and loved ones of addicts. When you feel stronger, maybe you will want to talk with your husband, or maybe not. But at least you will have your own support system to lean on.


.ROXY.sheila from oz.
u can't help some one who won't help himself ,enough 's enough ,get yourself ready to enter the work force and ,,,go....


jazz
Rating
You can love him . . . . but you can't help him. A 12 step program will help you and your son better understand this. As a functional alcoholic, he has his co-dependent team well trained. You do deserve better. You do. And remember, you can't 'help' him, you can only help yourself.


trinity4ever66
find a support group like aa , they have info on support groups for spouses, and children of alcololics.


Heather D
I'm not sure how he's holding down a job as a cop and being an alcoholic. If he's not willing to get help or if it's disrupting you and especially your son's life and wellbeing, then leave. No time like the present. It won't get better. You and your son deserve to be happy and be around someone that is supportive and in his right mind. Good luck.


next?
He needs AA and you need Al Anon.


kd_lifer
Rating
There are organizations out there that can help you. Look in your local phone book. You need to break this cycle of abuse. You need to leave. When you are frightened think of your son, he doesn't need to be a third generation drunk. Make a plan and implement it. You can do this!!!


Jordan M
Get a job and learn to depend on yourself. Depending on a man financially is so 1950's. When are you women going to learn to stand on your own two feet so you don't have to endure lives of misery? You are helpless because you are lazy. Stop being lazy and find something to do.


axhandlebill
any day that ends with a "Y"







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