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How should I handle this situation with my 15 yr old son? Adult responses appreciated.?
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How should I handle this situation with my 15 yr old son? Adult responses appreciated.?

My son decided he wanted to try living with his father. It has really broken me apart, especially since I have raised him since he was 3 and his father has never been active in his life. He has now been gone for 1.5 years and it still hasn't gotten any easier. Here is the problem, I am still supporting him with clothing, money,daily talks, and soon to be a car. I feel bad because his father is not giving him any of this and even though he chose to live with his father, I feel I should be giving him those things so he doesn't go without. My friends and family say I should not do this or he will never understand the consequences of his actions, but I don't want to know that I have a child out there that is neglected in any way. Everyone knows his father wanted him to live with him to get out of child support and that if I just stand my ground and give him tough love that he will be back. Keep in mind that my son does not ask for these things. What should I do?







quick_sand
Rating
this is very hard because none of us here know your son. It is very easy to sit here and give advice when it isn't your problem....You know your son. You know your ex....ok, he lives with his father, maybe cause' your ex doesn't want to pay child support....that is not uncommon I imagine.....however, I think as a parent myself, I would ask you if he was a good kid, by meaning, good grades not having been in any trouble, if he does get a car when 16 is he the kind of kid that would be responsible, and frankly, does he really "need" a car at just turned 16. Which I personally think is too young to handle a motor vehicle, unless they grow up on a farm, and taught early how to handle driving....tossing a just turned 16 yr old, a motor vehicle when all they have really done is "practiced", is not learned to handle dealing with the nut job adults who can't drive....Clothing, occasional pocket money, that is not bad. But it would be better if he got a part time job, lets say on the weekends, and start understanding the real value of a dollar....when he see's how much his gross wages are and then uncle sam takes his cut, he'll get an idea of just what it will be like when he has to put gas in the thing, insurance, which will be Phenomenal!!!....Have an agreement with him that you'll match dollar for dollar what he saves......I would not just give a just turned 16yr old a car, unless your a very rich woman.....just my opinion


SGT. D
Rating
You have to understand that if he made the grown up choice to live with his Dad, then let him take responsibility for it. No offense, but if his dad is so bad, why did he opt to live with him? It sounds like the only parenting you do is with your checkbook. That's not what parenting is all about, but only a part of it. Forget the Car and stop with the buying him stuff already and just be there for moral support and guidance. He'll appreciate it more and it will cost you less. And cut his Dad some slack, it sounds like he must be OK. Don't slam on his dad because your son wants to live with him and not you.


SuzyBelle04
It sounds like you are spoiling him in a way, but just make it perfectly clear that if he wants to live with his dad, then that is a choice he made, and if that entails not having new clothes, a car or whatever, then he made the decision. I mean that is totally on your son to decide. He is 15 and that is old enough to know which parent you want to live with, and that you are not your sons father and your sons father is not you. Obviously you have 2 different ideas about raising kids and what they should and should not have, but like i said, it comes down to your son, but it is pretty sad that not only does he have to choose parents, but he has to choose his lifestyle as well. No child should have to do without, but you son would definately benefit from a job, then he might appreciate the things you do for him.


kim
I know what you mean. I also have a 15 year old son that once wanted to go live with his dad also. His father promises him things and never follows through with his promises, but I never told him lies. When I tell him I am going to do something...I do it. My son seems to have finally excepted that he has it best at my house but he, of course, wouldnt admit it for nothing. He never says he wants to live with his dad anymore......So yeah I agree with those people that said cut him off....stop buying for him.....stop helping him in anyway.........maybe he will eventually realize Mom was the one that provided for him all his life.....not Dad. Sometimes tough love is exactly what kids need....we just have to be strong enough to give it to them......


acid_reflux27
Love is rarely an easy thing. It is often times painful. Giving your son these things may make him happy in the present or near future, but how is this going ot make him self sufficient in the future? True love is turning your son into a self sufficent man who is willing to take on the responsibilities of his actions.
I am not saying you should not help your son with cloths or even a car. As a matter of fact as a parent that is your job, but,(and there is a but)... if you just HAND him this stuff for free he will never learn how to earn his own way in the real world. If he wants a car, let him work to help pay for it.
Your son is loved, and he has food in his belly, and a roof over his head, and a pillow at night. That is more then a lot of people. Its expected for a parent to want to sacrifice themself for their child, but one must also realize when their child is old enough to be treated like an adult. It sounds like he is very close to that age.

Good Luck,
Jeremy


GirlinNB
Rating
First of all, you are his mother irregardless and I don't blame you for wanting to supply him with things he needs. Continue doing so and one day he'll look back and see the error of his ways. My 15 year old ran away from home, of course she got as far as her grandparents and have been there ever since even though I've done everything to get her to come home, but to no avail. I supply her clothes, school supplies, give my parents money for her lunches at school, plus when she goes to the doctor,etc. it's me that takes her. She just said the other day that she was sorry for the hurt she caused, that she is just finally waking up to the fact that I am always there for her and that she appreciates it. Once she said this, her requests for money, etc. went way down. I'm hoping someday she'll come home, but if not then that's ok. We are getting closer and closer by the day and she is maturing at a fast rate, therefore we are becoming friends again just the way I've always pictured us to be.

Don't worry. One day something at your sons father's place will happen, and your son will "wake up". I know it's hard on you now and probably always will, but maturity does come and with that you'll again have your son back.


Vilady5
I truly understand where you are coming from but you are the adult here and if his DAD really did that just to get out of paying child support I would take him to court and get that child in my custody .Your son is 15 not 18 or 21 so you have to take control of this situation and don't leave it fester. After all you did 100% plus of being a parent and a MOM, as for the father his just a "DADDY." Anybody can make a child but its a Father to raise a child.


seaangell304
Rating
Okay I went through this about 2 years ago myself with my daughter. You did the right thing by letting him go because children don't realize the how and why of things all the time. And I believe your friends are wrong, you should'nt deprive him of these things because he will see that as punishment and for what? I mean what consequences should there be for wanting to live with his father. He may have just wanted to really get to know him. As far as the child support and the father goes you will more than likely just have to grin and bear it, because in the long run it's your son who will be affected the most by any decisions either one of you make. And as all this happens and your son gets a little older he'll see how things really are. Kids are smarter than we think. I wish you all the best in this situation.


ROSEY
There is no answer hon your just like me an addicted to her kids mother just like me. You would go without food to give him anything you thought he would want or need. It will always hurt for mothers like us and you'll never quit giving and he'll never come home because his father lets him do as he wishes at 15 that's the most important thing to him when he grows up you'll get him back if he isn't ruined or in trouble and prison. Sad to say but kids will take until there's nothing left to give there kids thats the way it is.


peggin_beast
Rating
Your going to have to bite the bullet!
I'm suprised the ex hasn't now went after you for support. IF he was to, and he's really a low life like you say, you'd have to prove to the courts that the support isn't going where it's intended to go.

I know it would and will be hard to do, but why not stop sending money and no promises of a car. See where this leads.

My own son did this to me. He didn't even appreciate the $$, or clothes.

Your going to have to let your heart ache a while. sorry!


?
If you are receiving child support, then give support. Daily talks come from the heart, that is nice. Your son has two families now and you are not responsible for building his other family.


Sabrina
Mabe you should pressure the father in going half on these things that he wants and needs. He is probably playing Mr Great after being away for so long. I would not supply him anything because if you didn't get it then his father would have to. Kids aren't dumb he'll figure out that his father is not there to meet his needs and come back to you. Right now the father is in a win win situation. Make Him Work For IT!!!


april showers
Rating
Your son is a young man now.He probably has felt the need for male bonding for some time.I have 2 sons and I have been a divorced Mom for 17 yrs. now.If he is living with his Father and his basic needs are provided for then his Father is supporting him.This is a time for some You time now.Maybe you could put that money into a college fund for your son instead of buying a car?Does anyone under 18 really need a car yet?


tinamaries43
Just keep on giving him things. I wouldn't be so upset that he went to live with his dad, he might just feel like he needs a father figure right now. I have a fifteen year old also.


backstabber4u
Rating
Teenagers are very different and probably want to spend more time alone. Since you raised him since he was 3 you should let him know who is in control. Yes it hurts for him to say he wants to live with his father. You may wanna know why well I think his father does not pay attention to his actions. At this age your son wants to live alone where no one is there to bother him. I bet you show a lot of affection to your son. At this age boys dont really want to be showed that they just want to be left alone. Its either you still support him and let him live there or tell him how you feel. Its not fair that you are worried about him and supposrting him when he is not living with you. Your friends are right it is most important you share your feelings with him. I might not really want to listen since he is growing up and wants to be by himself. He wants his privacy and its hard for mothers to give this specific need to their sons. Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Best of Luck :)


Miz Teri
Rating
You have to understand THE MALE in order to do the right thing here. YOU can't be his male role model. I don't care if his dad is a slimeball - the kid has to make up his mind HOW MUCH LIKE HIS DAD he wants to be. It's his right. Guys NEED to face independence. You're not helping there, are you! Actually, he would have turned to his dad at around age 11 if he had been living with both parents - that's normal. It's a bit delayed, but he NEEDS THIS. Let him go. Good for him that he doesn't ASK for all these life-smoothing goodies you want to heap on him. Women have it easier in life because they can be women with or without falling on the help of a mate. But men are judged on whither they can stand on their own two feet. You're interfering with the process.


Shwetanshu
ma'am make ur mind strong wat u feel can be understood but if u give all these even when he doesnt ask simply means he doesn't need it ... ur love is over flowing wat he wants is ur time and passion and something more then that ... in ur love u treat him like kid ...

as his father was not with him from childhood .. he treats him more like a friend and adult .. wat he needs is not those u give he needs to be treated like a man ... a friend and listen to his prob .. call him over to ur place and have a gentle talk

all the best
have fun


bubbles_grandpa
Rating
Your friends and family is right, STOP ! He made a choice and needs to learn from his choices. Look at it this way to. If his father fails to feed,cloth and provide the needed life things (Car is not needed) then you can say he is unfit and get the boy back.

Call twice a week send cards for the holidays and birthday. Let him grow up and learn from his mistakes. You said Dad wanted this to get out of support huh? Well now he's living with Dad and you are paying all the expenses and still not costing Dad a dime.
Stop the gravy train and bring it back to the station!


David B
Rating
you should get in touch with whatever it is in you that makes you want to spoil the kid. "Neglected"....nonsense. A car? at 15 or 16? Unless youre Cher or somebody, no way.


Doug
Rating
You need to do the tough love thing... if the father won't give him the things you are supplying him then maybe he will realize that he made a mistake and move back home with you..Good Luck...I feel for you. Been down that road with my 16 year old and that's what worked for me. He has been back home now for 3 years. He does go visit his Mother in the summers but knows where his real home is and appreciates it all that much more.


CoCo
Rating
Your friends are right. Your son is not realizing what it means to "live" with his father. He is getting the best of both worlds. You are giving him everything he needs and he probably gets to do whatever he wants with his father. No rules probably why he went there. Show him what it means to be away.


downwitclown@sbcglobal.net
cut him off pay child surrort and thats all, call and talk to give him emotional support and thats it


Kenny G
Rating
I have a 15 yr old son as well, he has lived with me since the 5th grade...he may not appreciate what you have/are doing now, but as he matures he will understand that you were SHOWING him, by your actions, how a good parent should be. I wish you luck with this situation, God Bless and keep up the tough work!


just_me_1955
Rating
as long as you keep giving and giving you will never teach him about his actions i know it is hard to say no or to even think your child is doing with out but some times to much is not good


rosita
Rating
have you tried talking to your son about how you feel?maybe try doing something together on holidays that will really bring you 2 together more than money and any car would do.be open about it atleast then he'll know how you feel and be more aware,maybe even stay with you more often than usual


dukalink6000
Here's the trick...not the car.

A car is a big responsibility, both in the maturity to drive and the fianacial ability to operate it.

Let it fall to the dad to do that part of it. Continue to do what you are doing, but i would stand firm on the car


Blunt Honesty
If you really feel he is being neglected, you shouldn't allow him to live there. If you have to, get an attorney and petition to have him returned to you. If you aren't willing to do that, then he should learn what it is like to live with the choices he makes. If he sees how it would really be without you, maybe he would choose to come back. And he is only a couple of years away from being on his own. Are you going to support him through his adult life too?


Allen L
Maybe let him go try living with his father; will probably see that grass isn't always greener on otherside. And I would sit down with you son and discuss you feelings about him wanting to move.


thepenismightier
First off, cancel the order for the car right away.

If you keep giving your son everything you "think" he should have, although he left you in favor of his dad, you're playing into his hands. You'll have to cut him off (at least for a while) or he'll never learn.







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