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I'm in love with an old friend who's perfect for me; problem - he's married to someone else!?
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I'm in love with an old friend who's perfect for me; problem - he's married to someone else!?

I've known this man for about 8 years and we should have gotten together a long time ago but he was too shy to ask me and I was seeing his friend and didn't think he'd ever be interested in me. By the time I got to know him, he had a live-in girlfriend who later became his wife. One night it came out that he had liked me all along but didn't think he stood a chance. We did some things we shouldn't have. We tried to stop but couldn't. Finally, he stopped talking to me altogether. Now he's started talking to me again and though we haven't seen one another, we've both told one another that the feelings are still there. He often tells me that he regrets his past decisions to be with her and his fear of trying with me. I tell him that I regret having not seen it back when things would have been easier for us. I've never advised him to leave her because I feel that would be wrong of me but I really want to be with him and we are in love. What should I do? Let me just clarify that we were friends for many many years before anything happened between us (so obviously I know him rather well, it is not just lust) and that we have not seen each other nor have we discussed seeing each other since we started talking again. I wouldn't actually do anything with him again at this point b/c I don't want him to be in that position again. Contrary to popular belief, I AM thinking of his wife's feelings as well -- I would not want to be married to a man who wanted someone else. I'm actually a little ashamed that so many women around here seem to view men as property -- he does not "belong" to her and you can not "steal" a human being. With that said, please try to provide me with solid, real life advice...







ottillie s
Rating
IF HE HAS DONE YOU ONCE HE WILL JUST WANT IT AGAIN


Smoggy Wogg
Rating
Honestly, if he felt the same about you as you of him, he would leave his wife no question about it. There's 2 categories and you need to figure out which one he falls under. Either: He sees that he has a good thing going of two women; putty in his hands and has no intention of divorcing his wife. Or He really does want to be with you and feels he's made wrong choices and taken all the wrong paths in his life, but now it means divorce, tough times and uncertainties that lay ahead and he could be frightened to take the first step. Whats for sure is that you really need to figure out what he REALLY wants not what he thinks he wants. Ultimately everything will work out for you in the end either way, just don't get burned in the process. Good Luck!


kitty
Rating
you need to move on! Get your own bloke, you had your chance - and let it slip by, adultery is WRONG, leave them alone, go to the pub, join a dance class/college course do something, go swimming, You were wrong to let it get this far - and so was he, however his wife deserves to know - which is what you were hoping osmeone would say, remember you are only the other woman, he'll choose her over you, and hes gettign the best of both worlds.


Noadonis
Tough.


Mr Mackey
You need to move on. He is married. He is not perfect for you.


just_wanna_have_fun
Rating
I am experiencing a similar situation... We 're lost, sorry!!!!! (eliana from argentina)


lemmysbabe
Keep away from him he's not yours.if hes in an unhappy marriage its up to him to make a change to that and not you.It will do nothing but cause heartache for all involved.


boneymaddict
You are doing the right thing in not seeing him or talking to him. It might be comforting to think that if he leaves her, it will be the 2 of you together who broke up his marriage, but let's face it, he wouldn't leave her if you weren't around. If I were you I'd do the right thing again and leave the area. Put temptation out of his reach and don't be the cause of breaking up the marriage.


bobbi
You shouldn't have put yourself and others in this position in the first place!! How dare you interfere with someone elses husband! Mind your own business and find a new relationship with someone who is single!!


monkeyface
Rating
He is married. Therefore out of bounds. Forget him & move on.


JUSEve
Rating
Sorry to say this but when they decided to get married they are saying that they belong to each other.He is a selfish man.Who gets 100% of him? He is not in love with you.He is in love with being in love with you i.e.LUST and the expectation of experiencing something new is exciting. You are not perfect for each other.He made his wife his perfect woman when he got married to her. I am in this present situation but I am the wife but unfortunately she is not the only woman that he has outside our marriage.Why doesn't he leave?An excuse to moan about something to her/them so that he can see them..Either way HE IS ONLY THINKING OF HIMSELF.. Get away from him.Your perfect love is out there looking for you but you are stuck looking out for a love that is already committed to another.You deserve someone better


alice b
I have had exactly the same situation as you but sadly my soul mate died in an accident last year-all I have now are regrets. you have one life, try and make it a happy one x


pottydotty
Rating
you really know the answer in your heart, he is married and he will stay that way, it's nice for his ego to have you on the sidelines, you need to make a complete break from this guy, if he does eventually leave his wife and you and he are meant to be, he will find you.


AJ
Rating
He is not perfect for you... move on.


gvih2g2
Rating
It seems to me that perhaps you don't know this guy quite as well as you think you do. I'm afraid I don't have a lot of time for him because I've seen the train-wreck that resulted from just such a scenario (in that case the man wasn't married to the other woman, but she was pregnant with his child). Basically, he wants to have his cake and eat it. What he's telling you about "regretting decisions" is just a ploy to get you to sleep with him again. You may be in love with him, but he's using you. In the scenario I mentioned above, the woman in your position decided not to go for it and is now happily married to someone else. The man went back to his girlfriend, then dumped her (now with two kids) for the next woman that caught his eye and fell for his charms. Just as he had dumped his wife and two more kids to be with that girlfriend (so she knew what she was taking on). Some men are unable to commit, but talk a great relationship - sounds to me like he's one of them.


Elisa D
Just listen to your heart. If not you'll regret your lack of decission when times goes by. Destiny will do the rest.


maid marion
tough then..find your own man


avab2u
Rating
First, let me say that I don't think of you as a home wrecker. I have several suggestions, either of which -- should you decide to use the idea -- you should do before the holidays arrive. Have you ever thought of planning an innocent brunch, or lunch, for the two of you so that you can talk things out in public? Dinner is too dangerous because it's at night, and the temptation to bring alcohol might be too strong. Avoid private meetings -- the whole rendezvous thing -- because that behavior would be adulterous on his part. It IS very important for the two of you to honor your past mutual fondness for each other; talking over food (without any alcohol) would be an acceptable way to do this. I wish I had followed this kind of advice when an old flame found my phone number and called me (this was more than 10 years ago, mind you). He had gotten married and had children and asked me why we had not taken the relationship further back when we were teenagers. We agreed that, back then, we were simply too timid. Well, after he called me, I regretted not suggesting that we meet -- in public -- to talk about how our paths led in different directions. In a totally different situation, someone who had a crush on me long ago called me up and arranged for me to come meet him and his spouse at a public event. He said he had told his spouse how he felt about me all those years ago, and that she was curious about me. We only knew each other through our work and had never had any relationship, but on his part the crush had been strong. Well, I arrived at the public event, and I was careful to have dressed conservatively, but when my old colleague walked up to me, his spouse was absent. I had words with him and never saw him again. I mention this situation to you to show you that my old colleague should have been honest with himself and simply arranged that we meet for lunch in a public place, and that kind of meeting would have given him a chance to dispel any fantasies he had carried in his mind about me for all those years. Another good idea for you would be to begin a journal and to keep it private. By private, I mean keep it in a safe deposit box, not anywhere in your home. Let out all your feelings in that journal, for you will be the only one with access to it. You just mind find that there's a latent writer inside of you. Who knows? You just might end up writing great works of fiction and reaching worldwide acclaim as one of the most original artists of the 21st century! Good luck, whatever you decide.


benrumson
If he's married hear me well cool it dearie and run like hell.


tiberius1724
Leave him be to focus on his marriage. Put it in God's hands. If you two are meant to be together, then it will happen. If he leaves his wife FOR you, then there will come a day when you will be in the exact position his wife is in now. Whatever you do, do not be the source of their marital destruction. Good luck


alwayssmiling
you did not want to advice to leave his wife cause its wrong,well you even thinking of him in any way is wrong too,hes married and if he made a mistake about it he should be able to do that cause the marriage wont work not because you got in the middle of it.


Life lover
Why would you even think of hurting the wife to satisfy your selfish needs. find someone else to chase after before you really get hurt. Never get involved with a married man. You'll just find out your a selfish idiot with no control. Remember all is fair in lave and war. If he does it to her he'll do it to you.


allmariexx
Rating
leave him alone, let his relationship with his wife run its course, you are just complicating things. You two were obviously not meant to be.


donua1022
Rating
Totally nothing, go out a find a new guy, instead of living in hope that one day you and this guy will get together, he is married now, Think about his wife. You sound still very young, so get out there and live life to the fullest, and enjoy yourself, cheers good luck and god bless.


eastern_mountain_outdoors
Rating
You need to step away. If he were to leave his wife he needs to do it because he's not happy. Not because he wants to be with you. It is way to easy to get clouded and fall for somebody else when you're not happy at home.


gaz
Rating
from what you say he's obviously not happy in his marriage and never will be while your around. either yo should move away or distance yourself from him or he should tell his wife he no longer feels the same way about her and leave her. i know that sounds horrible but its not fair on her either that her husband wants to be with some one else. if he does leave his wife leave it a while till you get together. i hope everything works out one way or another.


Jessica
I'm in love with an old friend who's perfect for me; problem - he's married to someone else!? look at your question I know I'm probably not going to get best answer because this isn't going to be what you want to hear but it contradicts itself simply because if you were perfect for each other he would be single. So my advice is to leave him alone. Even if you two were in 'love' he decided he loved who he was married to at one time and is probably going thru the "what ifs" with you... and whose to say if he leaves her for you he won't leave you for someone else? I hope it works out for you either way :0/


Timothy W
Rating
Well, I might put it more diplomatically than China Doll, but you need to examine what you're doing more objectively. You have a man struggling to remain true to his wife and resist the temptation he's already given into once. If you really "love" him, you ought to take a good, long, HARD look at how you define "love"...because it sounds like you may simply be substituting the true definition of "love" with "lust". Love is best defined as the volitional, willful commitment to place the best interests of another in front of your own. Absolutely, unequivocally, without any wavering or wiggle room, the BEST thing for this guy is to STOP talking to you and work on remaining loyal and true to the wife he committed to with wedding vows. The best thing you can do is DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO SUPPORT HIS MARRIAGE, not be there to tempt him and make him lust after "greener pastures" - which is simply the adulterous bed of another who doesn't belong in the picture. Step away, and leave this marriage alone. You don't belong anywhere near it. Best to you.


lilsis2576
Rating
NOT TO JUDGE BUT WHEN THERE IS A THIRD PARTY IN A RELATIONSHIP YOUR MIND STARTS PLAYING TRICKS PLEASE DO NT BE THE REASON FOR THERE DIVORCE IF ITS MEANT FOR U TO LET NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE STOP TALKING AND TRY PURSUING YOUR OWN LIFE PLEASE DO NT TAKE WHAT I SAY AS BEING MEAN BUT JUST LIKE U SAY U LOVE HIM SO DOES HIS WIFE DO NT GET IN BETWEEN THERE MARITAL ISSUES


Adelle
Rating
He was not meant for you. Destroying marriages is a sin in the eyes of God. One day you are going to be married, and you wouldn't like for anybody to destroy your marriage.


luckystar
THE PROBLEM IS YES HE MARRIED, SO YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM ALONG, THE FACT THAT HE TELL YOU THESE THING DOES NOTHING, HE HAS A FAMILY, IF HE UNHAPPY WITH HIS MARRIAGE THEN HE SHOULD GET OUT OF IIT. BUT BOTH OF YOU NEED TO MOVE ON, IF IT MEANT TO HAPPEN IT WILL, BUT FOR NOW. LEAVE HIM ALONG, AND FIND SOME ONE ELSE. RIGHT NOW HE BELONG TO SOMEONE ONE ELSE.


Tone R
Rating
been there, done that, fails badly, leaves you feeling worse. but hey, if it works you will never know sadness again. dont dwell in the past, it will bring you down and destroy you. like i said been there, done that. now in a bad place and feelin really low. moving away soon to forget her. please be careful


Linda
Rating
Do the right and honerable thing and LEAVE HIM ALONE. Im sorry that you have regrets, Im sorry that you both left things too late, but he is now married and you have no place in his life. He needs to get real and get back intouch emotionally with his wife as he made vows with her and not with you. Put yourself in her shoes, how would you like to know that your husband played around with another girl and she is now persuing him.......be honorable .......stay away and let their marriage have a chance to work. You time with him passed.


Evil Red
I will be honest I didnt even read your entire question. You KNOW what the problem is he is MARRIED!!!!!!!! That is enough said! Why would you want to ruin someone else's life just to be happy? And why in the hell dont you think that he would do that to you? You are no different he is a dog and if you lay with dogs you rise with fleas. Dont be a homewrecker....she might come find you (his wife) and after slapping the sh-- out of him beat you down as well. Dont become a Lifetime movie! Leave him alone, d--k comes dime a dozen! Meaning there are other men, find one that is single! Would u like if it happened to you?


pugs
dude, get out, get out NOW. this guy is just laying the ground work so he can come and play with you when he feels like it. he's lying through his teeth and isn't man enough to be honest to you, his wife, nor himself. this type will lie and lie and lie, meanwhile the women in his life will be stuffed around and wonder what they did wrong. the answer is easy, get away from him. he can't be perfect for you, coz if he was, you'd be together and not him and his wife and his cheating ways.


jeremy45
Leave that man alone. Not to get you down or anything but why mess up a happy home?


DRLE
IF HE WAS FERFECT FOR YOU HE WOULD BE WITH YOU. STOP BEING SELFISH AND LEAVE HIM AND HIS WIFE BE HAPPY. WHAT IF YOU WERE HIS WIFE HUH???????


The Homocidial Maniac.
Rating
That reminds me of a book called "something blue." Except the guy was never married. Um. Yeah. = I can't tell you what to do because I'd feel bad if I was in your position. I wouldn't ask him to cheat on his wife (because I'd hate to have MY husband - even though I don't have one - to cheat on me) or even get a divorce. You guys can just stay friends, no? If he really loves you that much.. then he'd do something about it instead of just spilling his heart out.


joyceeleann
OMG..the story of my life. I wish I had an answer for you.. I just know its very painful to live with. You have to let their relationship ride itself out though and you can not interfer. If its meant to be ..it will come back. I am sorry you are going thru this.. I know how it feels.


mctorn
Rating
Persevere. Don't push it if it's not really meant to. There just lots of people around you both who'll get hurt. And that's not good karma....lol


upenderjits
thats a very common thing.


dark man
just spread your legs for him, then come back and ask for help as to why your life is miserable


Advice Helper
try to forget about it but still be freinds with him and see if you can get another man


highchaparral2006
Rating
Back off. It's a lost cause. Do you really want a cheater?


todieisgain_121
Rating
Leave him alone. He has a commitment to his wife.


iwantsomeonetoeatcheeesewith
Rating
well, marriage is the be all and end all of it all. in the past maybe. but with divorce rates going up faster than even inflation. u ahve a good chance of bagging him. asking him to divorce her is the only logical conclusion. what else can u do? it is the only way. if u sleep with him while he's married, how can u ever trust a man like that? good luck.


Stefanie2_9
He's never going to leave his wife. Once a cheater, always a cheater, so you don't even want someone like that. But p.s. to the comment before mine: It takes two to tango. A "homewrecker" is never the person outside the home.


The China Doll
Rating
You should stop being a home-wrecker. People like you disgust me. I don't get it person below me, you said it takes two to tango. Is this person not part of the two that tangoed?







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