I recently found out my wife of over 20 years had an affair.?

BARGINHUNTINGMOM	I hope the best for you. If you stay in it, go for counseling to help work it out. Will pray for you!!

beebee	I was in the same situation years ago but my x husband did do it over and over the first time it happened something died like you said but I got over it and moved on but then it happened again and again.If you really love your wife give her another chance if you can live with it because I really think it happens because they want to see what they have missed out on he found the grass wasn't greener on the other side and is now remarried to a drunk .I am also remarried and couldn't be happier but you have to decide can you live with this mistake of hers or let it go, if you can't forget it now if you can you might actually revitalise your love and it could be better then ever if she really never goes astray again.But I think your heart is already talking to you so just listen to how strongly you feel about your situation and do whats best for you.

Wreckless	If she lied to you then that's not a real relationship.. in my opinion anyway. If I'm reading this right and you had to prove her wrong.. then I think you should really consider doing something, because she kept a secret and lied about it..

Button	Depends on how long ago the affair was. If it was ten years ago and she is sorry, hasn't done it again, etc. - I know it still hurts none the less, but there is no sense in breaking up a happy home over the past. Besides, after 20 years, I wouldn't consider it right to leave over a long gone mistake.

Sarbinargh	Give her one more chance, but watch her like a hawk. Let her know you will be and when you leave the house see if you can have neighbors keep a loose eye on her, just in case. Don't tell her about the neighbors because then she'll be hiding it from you and them, making it impossible for you to catch her if she were to cheat again. Let her know that this is her LAST CHANCE. If anything like this happens again, it's over.

Big Red	Something like happened to me and after a lot of reflection we separated. The trust was gone. We are still friends and I still help her when she needs it but how could you live with some one who lies and cheats? Other people might be able to forgive and forget. I hope you can get over this and put it behind you. Good Luck

Sophiesmama	I think you should both go to counseling to resolve this issue. I think trust is very hard to get back,so I wish you the best.

myopinion	I'm sorry to hear that. To answer your question, she would have left already if she wanted to. The questions that remain are: can YOU get over it , do you love her, does she love you, and do you both want to make it work? People who love each other don't cheat unless there is something that really matters to them in the relationship is missing and they're finding it somewhere else. If you decide to hang in there, make sure you figure out what that is, and work with her to make it better. Good luck to you whatever you decide. These situations are heartbreaking.

getmymackon	Don't dwell on the past, it does nothing for no-one.

janellexox	You DO NOT need someone like that. That is NOT RIGHT AT ALL! If she loved you then she wouldn't have cheated on you for years!Sounds like you need someone that really loves you.

wrensnest	did you sit down with her and try to find out why she did it? was she abused? was she taken seriously in your relationship? did you listen to her and really hear when she talked? there could be a hundred reasons but only you and she know the truth. if the marriage is worth saving then, by all means talk to her and get some answers. then if the reasons are not valid you can walk. i am assuming you love her, or did at some point. you at least owe it to yourself to give it one last try.

myassisdragon	You should seek counseling to help you decide what is best for you.

mmedina96	the heart wants what the heart wants if its not something you want to deal with get out if you want to be with her stay

toe poe gee gee oh	I think that it is impossible for most humans to be monogamous for 20 year. I think that you should take a trip to Europe and bike or take a train all over Europe. You will either miss her too much to leave her...or find someone else that you can love more. Don't feel guilty for taking a trip without her...she took her trip to infidelity land without you. Good luck

Eye of the Beholder	Ask her if she will go to therapy with you. you may also wish to go individually as well. Give it some time in therapy, and then think long and hard. If you can forgive her 100% and continue with your relationship, then do so. If, after several months of regular therapy you still have not made progress toward forgiveness, you may need to move on. Bottom line -- don't agree to stay together but not forgive her. That's a recipe for disaster.

lavendergrl	I honestly don't know what to tell you....Look inside yourself and I think you know the answer. If she is the love of your life, then forgive her for making a BIG mistake. And don't dwell-it will ruin your relationship. If she is not the "one" for you, then take this opportunity for yourself and let her go. there is still time to find someone else (if that's what you want)Good Luck

firewall	for such cheapstake of a woman i would have left her and choose to be single with such hurt make matter worse if you were honest and never cheat.

thebigB	So she gets to decide what she wants to do??? She had an affair and knew it was wrong that is why she hid the card and once you find them she decideds that is okay to tell you and you will just stay with her...I would leave...you deserve someone who will respect you more.

Z man	it's up to you man. but several years? my god... just say to yourself... can i trust her? can i do with out her? alot of people who are in relationships that long are scared to leave that comfort zone... do you love her...or do u just love the idea of her? ....maybe your just scared to find some one else cause u been wit her so long. it happens. rtake some time off... and think. really think good luck.

Unknown	Forgiveness is always a part of relationships. Forgive her, forget it and move on.

dustyrustie	If I were you I would feel sad that she had to go to someone else to get what she needed. If you love your wife, you need to pay her some attention and show here some love. I would not leave her if she wants to stay with you and you still love her. Make the investment. Maybe you can make your relationship better than ever. Sometimes marraige is hard work. If she is willing to commit to you and you to her, you have a winning combination. Remember, you married her because you loved her. If you still do, then make it work. In the long run you will both be happy. Best of luck.

joyceeleann	Wait a mintue..she came home to you even though this other guy was there, she took care of everything- you and the kids her whole life, She did her duty as a mother and a wife. She honored that. To love is a tramendous gift. People get it in their heads that one woman (or man) should only have one love...just one and that eyes should never stray. It is possible to love honestly more than one man and vise versa. If you had 20 kids, would you love anyone of them less. You just love them differently and for different reasons. She stayed with you yes even though this other person was on the side. She did right by you by not walking out..Yes?...so now, why do you want to walk out on her. You should stay together and realise..she is a human being...and for her to gain the eyes of another man is fantastic..that means you have something in front of you..that someone else wants....take her hand...take pride in that..and love her for the woman she is...for her smile, for her laughter and for even her faults. Its marriage...For better or for worse. She will love you even more for it.

Besch	I think you should ask your kids what they think. I think you should ask her why she had an affair and why she denied it? The fact that she wasn't honest with you means that she wasn't ready to tell you and obviously she knows it was wrong. Don't give her another chance so easily or else she'll do it again - she doesn't think it's wrong until she gets caught. I think the best thing to do is to have a talk or have a family counselor. But I think the second best option would be to get a separation. See what's it's like to be by yourself & find another fish in the sea. See what she does, will she go back to the same man again? Maybe she'll feel what you did when she sees you with other women.

freespirit	I know a guy, okay, a bus driver, and they're notorious for infidelity, and his wife "caught him". what did he do? as soon as she started to ask him questions he looked at her and said, "get out". when she stayed, she had basically agreed to look the other way.

Daddys Doobe	ferrrget it and move on! =]]

Hollynfaith	I think you are angry for not being able to tell she was fooling around, feeling betrayed because you've been so loyal even though she wasn't, and not trusting her because she's given you every reason not to. She sort of took away every reason for you to stay honey. Trust is the foundation of a relationship, without it, you have some structure with nothing supporting it. There is no guarantee that this won't happen again, and you haven't even had time to process what led to an affair. Before you make any kind of decision, you need to ask her the tough questions of "why?", "when?", "how?" and "where?". She's not going to want to answer them, but you'll never be able to move forward without those answers. You'll always continue to live in the past and wonder if she's doing it again. Honey, I've been married 18 years. About ten years into it, my husband had an affair with my best friend. A huge part of me died the day I found out too. It took two years to get that back. I filled out divorce papers, made a plan B, and put everything into place to start a new journey in life. But then we went through marriage counseling, worked through our issues, and are truly happy. It's different for everyone. Some are repeat offenders, some, are not. It's not a call we can make. You know your wife better than any of us. This is new to you, test the waters and ask your questions before you go and make some life altering decisions. And trust your judgement...not what she puts into your head.

just me here	I respect you for not boiling over and getting physical. You have all the rights to not trust her. Time. Time is your buddy. Just leave things behind and redate her..again.. Hard but true.. Start going out on dates again..If it was meant to be ; your friendship / relationship will survive..Listen to your heart. Good luck..

barthebear	Tell her to get out and give you some space to think. You will call her and let her know what you decide. Why should the guys always be the ones to get out? I wouldnt say this except she denied it ( lie) and now she says it is over ( lie?)

Cake	You have to ask yourself the Big Question: Is your life better with, or without, her? And be honest. I know that you're angry and you feel betrayed right now, but those things CAN be worked out. Think of the whole picture, and go from there. Infidelity is rough. It hurts everyone involved, and there's no excuse for it. BUT! it's something that can be forgiven. A marriage of twenty years is a precious thing - don't throw it away too hastily.