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My Boyfriend "HATES" my son! What should I do?
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My Boyfriend "HATES" my son! What should I do?

I am 22 yrs old and have a 4 yr old from a previous relationship. My boyfriend is 24 with no kids and really wants a baby. I am in my last yr of college and I make about $60,000 a yr. Hes finished with school. We began planning our wedding and he agreed that he would wait till i was done with school and married before we had a baby.I can afford to have another child. But my boyfriend wants nothing to do with my 3yr old son. He doesnt come over when he is up, he doesnt go out with us, I think he tries to put it out his head that I have a son. I have spoken to him about this a million times and he said that he isnt ready to be a step father, he wants to be a father first. He's a good man to me. He treats me very good and we have a lot of fun together. But when ever I spend time with my son, he makes me feel guilty about him not having a baby. I love my son and I love my boyfriend. Its easy to say just leave him or talk to him. I've tried both! I dont know what to do!







#3 due 9/1/09
Reading this almost made me cry..for real. You have to be your son's advocate, that is part of being a parent. He cannot stick up for himself, that is your job right now. Your boyfriend needs to be given an ultimatum. He either needs to accept your son and learn how to love him or split. If you marry him and he treats your child together well and ignores your son, it will do life long mental and emotional damage to him..S T O P putting up with this, it is crucial that you address this ASAP. Maybe some family counseling would help, but he cannot ignore your son and be married to you. Next time you go out, demand that your son attends, actually he needs to attend most of the time because he will be there if you get married. He has got to bond with him in some way if you guys are to have a successful marriage. I know you don't want to hear this once again, but truthfully, I would get rid of him...Good luck


poodle mom
Rating
could you, as a mom, marry someone who said they arent ready to be a dad to your son? i am a mother, and no way could i .... think about it...do what is best for your son, not you.


oli
leave him, if he can't accept your son, so be it, a man like that doesn't worth to love


biracialbabe
omg! dump ur boyfriend..i know i know u cant! but if u choose ur b/f over your son you are a selffish greedy little *****! i mean i know how rude of me! if you really love you son..dump that b/f of yours and move on..your boyfriend can hurt and do bad and mean things to your son...and then if you have child by him your life will get harder!


gagirl01
The fact that you have to ask this question blows my mind!! How can you even consider being with a man that "HATES" your son? That's a fast ticket to the curb in my house. My kids come before any man I don't give a **** if he pisses diamonds and shits gold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


survivedlasvegas
Rating
You are the MOM, you must do what is best for your son. If your boyfriend can not love you for who you are, and you are a mom. then you need to move on. You have a son he is a Major part of your life, he cant and shouldn't be ignored by anyone significant in your life. And he can be a father figure, in your sons life, he can learn to be a dad by learning to spend time and love your son. It will be hard he will have to open his eyes, mind and heart to the fact you have a son and that's a part of who you are. I hope you can get him to see that. If not then remember you have that three yr old little guy depending on you, needing you and loving you. You have to do whats right in your heart for you and him.

I wish your family all the luck and happiness


Michelle S
Rating
I really can't believe that you are even asking this type of question. If you are a single parent, then you are all that your sons has. He should ALWAYS come before ANY other man. Men will come and go, but your son will always be there. Your son will be the one there to say "Mommy, it will be okay!" when this MAN leaves you. You brought this child into this world, and it is your responsibility to take care of him, both physically and emotionally. When your son gets older, he will notice this resentment from your 'boy' friend, and in turn resent you for allowing this to happen. You really have to put your feelings aside on this and think of your son. Leaving him may be hard to do, but I think that losing your son, would or should be even harder. If you son was older, to where maybe he was giving your boyfriend a hard time and being rebellious for no reason other than wanting his Mom for his own, then things would be a little different, but I don't see anything that a 3 year old could do to deserve this. I am also a single parent of two girls, 8 and 13, and my youngest has ADHD, and is at times very hard to deal with, but until a man TRUELY LOVES ME & MY GIRLS, I will remain single!! We, as well as you and your son, are a package, so if he is incapable of handling this type of package, I say put your son first, and leave the BOYfriend behind! (And I strongly use the word BOY, because a Man wouldn't act this way) Good Luck and God Bless Your Family!


commonlaw
Rating
Why are you ignoring the needs of your primary responsiblity, your son ?
Your son should come first in your life.
Don't enable this competition for your attention-- your son depends on you, not that other guy.


photoheathen
Rating
I only read your question and I already know the answer...ditch your boyfriend. Screw him.

Your son should always be you first and greatest concern, and you know that.


Julia
I would not marry him if he did not accept my son because he is a part of me. If he has no tollerance for your son then he will not have it for his own child. I would not commit to anyone that disrespectrd my child. I would not put him into an invironment where he was not cared for and loved and not ready to be a step father. This would be unfair and cruel to my son that looks up to me to protect him and keep him safe and secure in his little life.Your son comes first in your life and deserves to be accepted and treated equally by this man especially if you think to give him child. I believe he would not do that by the attitude this man has already toward your child. I would fear that my son would be emotionally abused and his developement and personality would be affected. He may treat you good but I fear his feelings would not extend to your son and his well being is important for him to grow up healthy and suceed in life. I would not marry this man due to the fact that he has issues with himself and with my child. Good luck.


the real deal
why not tell ur boyfriend in a stern, yet mature, way and tell him straight up about ur problem. if he is unable to understand, tell him u are gonna dump him, because ur son should be way more important than ur boyfriend


Imagine Whirled Peas
Don't make the mistake of marrying this bozo. He said right out that he is not ready to be a step-parent, so it is obvious that he will be hostile to your son if you marry him. Do you want your son to grow up in that environment? Who do you love more? The answer SHOULD be your son. I smell disaster if you marry this guy.


miked452001
well just tell your son that you are about to put him at risk and explain to your son that if anything happens to him or if he feels left out or abused or neglected its okay because you love your boyfriend just as much and you have decided it is okay to put him at risk for your personal gain of a relationship. so after tell him all that then go a head and get married to mister wonderful.


CindyLu
You must make a choice your boyfriend or your son. It would be a big mistake to have a baby with this man. He will not change and accept your son what he will do is to make a big difference in the way he treats the two boys and that will cause stress and all sorts of problems.

You must face the fact that you are now a package deal one does not come without the other and it is a Love me Love my son sort of thing. This man is never going to change. You are right he wants to forget you have a son to protect his own ego. You need to protect your child from a lifetime of emotional abuse that could turn to physical abuse from a stepfather that has and will continue to make it clear that he does not want him. You have no choice but to choose your child and part ways with this man To have a child with this man would be a serious mistake that will ruin all of your lives.


Lovebug123
Rating
If your boyfriend hates your son, he hates a part of you. If he truly loved you through and through, he would accept your son, and at least try to be his friend. Imagine how your boyfriend would think if some how you gave up your son for him. He would figure you would do anything in the world for him even give up your own child, he would know that he could control you. Your boyfriend has played a dirty game trying to come between a woman and her child. You need to let your maternal instincts kick in, and kick your boyfriend out of your life. You will find someone later on who will love your son as much as they love you, don't settle for this guy.


ioana
As much as it hurts and I am sure it does this ios a question of priorities. Who is most important, your boyfriend or your kid?
I think your boyfriend is asking you to choose between them. However good he is to you, you can find someone better, someone who accepts the both of you. Your son needs you and you need your son.


Popsfav
Rating
Okay, some will say I should not even answer this question as I don't have kids- by choice. I feel differently about it. First, I think that those saying this guy will abuse your son down the road are getting a little dramatic. Secondly, your child will grow up and goon with their life some day. A husband is supposed to be with you forever. Just because one becomes a mom doesn't mean they chose who they love and who they don't, any more than before they were moms does it? NO. This guy has one very good quality- honesty. He has been up front that he is not ready to be a step father. That takes guts to admit. You basically have to decide if you can live a happy life without this guy. If the answer is no, then you must try to get them to warm up to each other. I am assuming the birth father isn't on your boyfriend's case or a nasty person? If he is, it may not be your son he doesn't want to accept into his life, but the dad. Just a thought. The most important thing is to remember that you do have a child but that does not mean you can't have a life with a man that is good to you and that you love. I'd hold off on the marriage just to see how things go. You didn't say how long the two of you have been together? Has he even had time to think about accepting a child that is not his? That is a HUGE thing to do for a lot of guys AND ladies even if they do have kids together. When your son is grown, off to college, married, maybe living in another state or country with his family, his family will be number one. That's life. Will you be sitting there alone or in a marrige with a guy that you don't love but that is a great dad, wondering about this guy? I'd need more fingers to count the people I know in that situation. If you feel don't have that "once in a lifetime" type of love for this guy, them move on and find a good step dad for your son. You have a fairly decent income, so you don't "need" to be married unless you truly feel you can't live without him.

Yes, you must always protect and care for your son, but you are a mom and YOU still need, want, deserve love too. I hope this works out and in a few months this will be something you wondered why you were even worried about.

I realize I didn't give you a true, black and white "answer", just a few different angles to think about that no one else seems to have given yet. Hope it helps


Lilian
Please don't marry someone who doesn't love or care for your son. Because your son is an innocent ones in this situation. He didn't ask to be brought into this world by you. You make your own decision to have him, then give him all the love and protection that a mother should do. Man comes and goes. You can always find another man or husband with all your potential as you said you got. But your son is your own flesh and blood.


dove2002
Rating
If he doesnt want anything to do with your son and you have his child he will be much worse,he will treat his child well and be meaner to your son. Find your son a daddy that can love him.


taurust_girl27
Rating
you and your son can never be separate, try to imagined without your son while being with your bf?? who will take care of your son? i am a mother too and i have my bf, but i want my bf love my son first before me. Because i can't love him unless i can see how he love my son. And i am lucky because, he does love my son and treat him as his own. In your case, how can he be a good father if he can't love your son, well in fact he is your own flesh. I can see the rivalry of attention between your bf and son in the near future and this is really a big problem. So if your planning to marry this person better think it hundred times. You see his attitude now towards your son, i don't think this will be change even when your married already. But still its up to you, no one can dictate you, but please look after of your own son future. maybe there is someone there who can really love you more and will love your son as well. good luck


TC
I am finding it difficult to understand why you would want to have anything to do with a man who wants nothing to do with your son. Do you really think things will be better once you are married? How do you think this makes your son feel? How would you have felt at his age, knowing that you were not wanted? That someone wished you did not live there, that they wished you did not even exist? Wake up, get rid of the man!!!! Find someone who will be happy to include your son in his life. Shame on you for allowing it to go on for so long! Your son should come first, your wants second! Who cares that he treats you well, but treats your son like crap? It is a good thing that you are not my daughter, because I am telling you that I would have your butt in court and you could kiss custody of that beautiful little boy!!!!! This whole situation makes me so mad that it is hard for me to even put it into words!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Read your first sentence, My Boyfriend HATES my son, shouldn't that just be enough to make you hate the boyfriend for being so shallow and immature. If he is not enough of a man to leave you because he does not want to help raise a child who is not his own, than I would hope and pray that you come to your senses and do the right thing and dump his sorry butt and for heaven's sake do not bring another child into this world until you have a better understanding on how to take care of the one you already have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Aron1968_30
Rating
You say he is a good man........ but his actions are speaking louder than any words. He is not a good man... he is barely a man at all. Its not like you were hiding your son, and am now springing him on your boyfriend, right?

I hope you pay attention... because what your "good man" is showing you now is how he will be forever. He will always put HIS needs ahead of yours and your sons. When and if you squeeze out a kid for him, he will put that baby ahead of your son instead of treating them as equal kids. Is this the life you want for your son? Are you so selfish that you would ignore the warnings that this "man" is giving you?

I hope for your sons sake that you pay attention and find a REAL man... not a fake one like you have now.


Kendra
Obviously he's not ready and you should find someone who is ready to be a father whether it's his own or not and who is willing to take responsibilities as one. Right now your main concern should be you and your child. What is best for you both. Your son will always be your son and will always be there but will your boyfriend?


Vicky
Rating
I had the same situation when my son was about 4 yrs old. Is your son 3 or 4? I was dating a man who did not like my son and I noticed that he would mistreat my son and get jeolous if I gave my son too much attention. Then he would complain to me and say, what about me? I had to let this guy go because he was getting out of hand with the jeolousy between me and my son also, If he did not like my son there was no way in hell that I would of planned a future with a man like that. As hard as this may sound, you have to put your son first and let that man go because he is trouble. You do not want to stay with a man like that and in the future he ends up hurting your son. Good Luck and remember always put your child first screw a man. That man can be replaced not a child... I let my ex-boyfriend go and I met a wonderful step dad for my son and I now have 4 children by him...


Lydia
Dump him. It's more important that you be a MOM, and forget about your lovelife for a while.


Black4Hilary
DUMP THAT BOYFRIEND


Tina
Dump him. He's never going to change and it will only get worse as your son gets older. Your son should be #1 in your life. It sounds like you have a good career already and will do even better when you finish your degree, You don't need this loser in your life. You are young and shouldn't be in any hurry to get married anyway. There are plenty of great guys out there who will love you AND your son.


freakboynv2000
Rating
dump him. you and the boy are a package deal.


allrightythen
Rating
You and your son are a package deal - if he can't accept him, then he doesn't deserve you - and I'm rather surpised you are even considering marriage with the guy.

What are you supposed to do? Not live together until you have his child - and he becomes "comfortable" with being a father? If he agreed to wait until you are married to have a child - that is going to be a bit difficult.

He sounds incredibly immature and not ready to be a father, to ANY child.


DF
You don't value yourself much do you. Maybe your youth and inexperience have you thinking crazy like this.







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