My husband just found out about his 14 yrs old daughter. I don't know if my 3 kids should know about her.

yourmuda	I think your being selfish

undone	Depends on if she is going to be visiting, calling and in contact with your family. If there will be contact, then you have to explain her somehow. Dont lie to them, no matter how old they are. ( dont tell them its their cousin or something). Just be honest and positive, like its a happy surprise. Be cautious though, bc you all do not know her, you may not want her to enter into the picture too quickly. If she lives far away and its only going to be him mailing a check every month, then just leave it alone for now.

simply-remember	First take a blood test. Regardless relationship child support must be payed. Kids will find out eventually.

Joe KLONDIKE	you say he is your husband and he never met his 14 year old girl... he cannot be the legal father if he was not married to the other woman at that time unless a blood test was used to determine him as the father

Italy	Well, if you don't tell your children about their sister, or allow your husband (who would be a FOOL if he obeyed you) to be a part of her life, you should just call yourself the Evil Stepmother. I can not offer any words of encouragement. Only words of advice... If you love your husband, you love him for his past, present and future. The daughter is all three of those no matter how you feel. Allow the girl to have the opportunity to love your husband like your children do. Your children should know they have a sister, they may want to get in touch with her one day. If you are against the girl having a relationship with her Daddy, her Daddy may leave you one day for just that reason. You should really seek spiritual advice....and pray. A lot. This isnt something that was your fault or your husband's if he really did not know about her. And it CERTAINLY was not his daughter's fault.

Ms.L.A.	This is not a decision that you can make. If your husband had asked you to give up your child that is not his, could you have? You may be depriving your children of a great big sister or your husband of more love than he already has. Don't be selfish or even frightened most things have a way of working themselves out right if you don't stand in the way.

BravesWings	They'll probably find out eventually at some point in their lives.. Just try to determine when the right time to tell them is, but I wouldnt try to "hide it" from them.

mrsmommaid	You are scared about all this, aren't you? I don't think you are being selfish, it is more about being insecure. Something came along that was there before you and your kids that you weren't aware of until you were hit with it in a very hard way. I think the best way to proceed with something like this would be for your husband to meet his daughter (he loves you and your children and wouldn't stop just because there is another one to love) if he can establish a rapport with her, then you should be the next one to meet her and develop a relationship with her. If that goes well, then I would introduce the other kids to her. Obviously her mother filed for the support, so this child may not even know who her father is after 14 years, or she may bear him some resentment, she needs to work that out with him first, then move up to getting to know you before all these other siblings are upon her too. Trust your husband to love you and your kids and to be there for you all, and do the same for him. Do not ask him to choose between you and the kids and her if he really wants to get to know her. He picked and married YOU and the daughter he didn't know about until now is not going to change that, and it won't change how he feels about the other kids either.

hexeliebe	First things first. Joe KLONDIKE is completely wrong. Being determined as the legal father has nothing to do with marriage. To illustrate first we need the answers to some questions. 1. From what agency was the letter sent and in what state? 2. What exactly does the letter say (and do not paraphrase but type it word for word without identifying names or other info.) What this sounds like is the child's mother is on state assistance and has named your husband as a possible father. This is not a big problem as he still has the right to a paternity determination IF he answers the letter or IF he has not already ignored earlier letters. If the latter, then he has administratively been determined to be the father and there's not much he can do about it. If it's the former and this is the first letter, then there will be instructions in the letter on how he can petition for the paternity test. I will offer no further advice until we have the answers to the above questions.

KittyKat	First thing he should do is have a DNA test done to determine if she really is his daughter. That may well eliminate any problems and nip it in the bud if she isn't.. What I find really sad is that you would want to keep her father from her. She has already gone all this time without knowing him and now she has a chance to meet and get to know him, you don't want her around. How would you feel if that were done to you and your kids if you were on the other side of this story? Once the DNA is done and it's determined he is the father, both of you should sit down and explain the situation to your kids together. Secrets only cause more problems down the road so get it out in the open, let them see the two of you working together to accept the girl and tell them they are to treat her kindly when they are around her. The kids are going to follow your lead so you need to be unified and act like adults because your children need to see you working together on this. Good luck

becca	i agree w/ the girl ^ your being very selfish , if your husband took the time to invite your other child into your life why dont you do the same, infact i would think that you would inderstand him as a wife considering the fact that you had a kid yourself by an other man, how can you say that you dont what a father to have a relationship w/ his daughter! she 14yrs old let him rekindel w/ they lost. that poor girl... let your kids know about her, be a good wife, your showing a very ugly side,

hourglass_beauty	Wow you and my step mother must know each other. My father married her after I was grown and out of the house. She doesn't want my father to have a relationship with me. she harassed me so much over the telephone I had to have my number changed and cant even give it to my father because she gets the new number and does it all over again. How selfish of you. Its important for her to know her father. Just as her father should know her. Put yourself in the child's shoes or your husbands shoes and imagine how you would feel if it was you being told I don't want you to know your father or your wife telling you that you she want you to know your daughter. Didn't you get married for better or worse? Not to mention he accepted you have a child from someone else. How would you feel if he told you that he didn't want you to know your other child? Everyone has the right to know who their biological parent is. considering how many years it has been I would still get a DNA test done to be sure but you shouldn't try to keep the child or your husband out of each others lives. All children need their fathers just as much as their mothers even if it is not their biological child. When you know the facts on the DNA test and if she turns out to be his you shouldn't hide her from everyone else.

wondermom	Do a paternity test first off. Don't just assume it really is his child. If it is his child, then he does have a financial obligation by law but there is no law saying that he has to have any relationship with her. However, he may want to and need to and I am sure this girl deserves to know something about her father. Wouldn't you? If you give him an ultimatium about not seeing her, it may cause a big problem in your relationship. It sounds like to me you may be just a little insecure about where you stand, where your kids stand and about your relationship. Talk to him, tell him how you feel and what your fears are. If you love one another, you can work it out. (sorry for any spelling errors, spell check took too long)

SOSTY	Yes you are suppose to introduce them to her.They have to know each other because they are sisters.

MICHAEL B	why not? they may enjoy having a "new" sister.

uimblue	you need to stand behind your husband and get to know her also as well as your kids because the very kids you are raising now may not be the ones who may have to see about you in a nursing home it could be that one "outside" kid that may have to you need to think like this i always have throughout life, there was "outside" kids that i had to deal with and they cant help that they are here and i treated them just as i would treat my "born of me" kids, good luck!!

kitttkat2001	u should be ashamed to call ur self a parent... 1st off its a child. 2nd u should not keep siblings apart. rather u like it or not. 3rd who in the hell are u to say u dont want him to have anything to do with his child. my hubby and i have been married for a very long time and he has an ex from like 22yrs ago that tried saying at 1 time he was the dad. she has never told this to my hubby's face. but my hubby is aware of this and i am a big enough person and most of all a good parent to know is this young lady (his daughter) was to knock on my door i would let her in my house with open arms. every child should have a choice to see their parents. your the reason so many step parents get a bad rep.... i hope this sinks into ur head and show your hubby and all the children involved how a real family is to act. good luck

bluelitttt	if the child is really his, and i mean have a test done, she has all the rights to your part of the family, she is a step sister and should know who her family is

T_Bone	When my friend was younger, she saw a pic of a little boy and asked her dad who it was n he said "It's your brother." He doesn't have ANYTHING to do with the boy, but my friend and her brother are now really good friends.

kajal c	I think that it be nice letting them know about their sisterand u should help ur husband through this and also give ur love and support to his daughter

Jack P	I played around a lot in my 20s. In my last marriage, we had no kids. But we prepared for the situation you are experiencing. Our plan was to accept that child, at whatever age, should they show up. Because the child did not cause the problem. Try to keep that in mind. That child is a part of your husband. You love him, so how can you not love her on some level? Be patient with yourself. You will still have strong feelings about it all. That is natural. But keep it all sorted out. 15 yeaers ago, you were not married to your husband. So you cannot be resentful about what he did in the past. Everyone learns by experience. Sometimes the experience is not what we would like to have, but it is there. Hang in there. Asking this question shows me you do care.

H	One your husband should have a relationship with all of his children. It's not his fault or the child's fault that the mother kept them apart. Secondly your children are en tittled to know that that have a another sister. Developing a relationship will take time and you should encourage one between all members of your family

liddabet	Is he sure that this child is his? If he's not ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE - he should request a parternity test. You want to be sure that this is his child for a few reasons - 1) This will have a huge impact on your family dynamic. 2) If she is his - and he KNEW about her - did YOU know about her? If this is something he kept from you - there are some things to work out there. 3) the child support and the back child support is probably going to put quite a dent in your finances. I would NOT involve this 14 year old in your children's lives until you know who she is and who she has become in the past 14 years. Your husband had no hand in raising her and she could be trouble. However, it's VERY important - if she IS his child - that your husband attempt to have a relationship with her. It's not her fault that he was not around for the first 14 years. I don't know if he ran away - or if the girl's mother kept her from him. But now if he's going to pay support - he'll have the right to see her regularly - and it's time for him to be her Dad - even if it's late - and seems awkward. You KNOW that it's the right thing for him to do. Everybody only gets one Dad - and that includes his 14 year old daughter. She's been denied a Dad for YEARS - don't try to keep him from her any longer. After Dad and daughter have got to know each other a bit ( a few visits) it will be time to introduce her to her siblings. How supervised things need to be should be thought through clearly. Again - first step is a PATERNITY TEST - so you can make sure this is his daughter. If it turns out she is - then proceed with caution and LOVE! God bless!!

lovelyinkedlady0613	Okay has he done a DNA test to prove it's his child. Just because someon claims that it's his child doesn't mean it is. Two confusion is fine, i wouldn't tell your children yet untill you know for sure if you dont already. If you do, then they are bound to find out at some point. Better they find out from you. Three. stop being selfish. That girl deserves as much of a relationship with her dad as the three children you two made together. It is no fault of hers that her mother and your husband got together didn't use protection and produced a child. This can be a wonderful experience for all involved. You can turn it around and make it a good relationship with all children. I am the child of a family where there are two other older sisters i will never know. I know of them. I know first names, but i know nothing other then that. I wish i had the chance to meet them. to have a relationship with them if i so choose. So if you all know it's his for sure, then tell his kids, because they will wonder were money went, they will wonder why they aren't doing more things that they used to do. Be honest with your kids, both of you.

Lonnie F	MY GOD, THIS GIRL IS A PART OF YOUR HUSBAND! HE SHOULD WANT TO GET TO KNOW HER, AND YOU SHOULD BE SUPPORTIVE OF HIM DOING THE RIGHT THING! WOULDN'T YOU WANT HIM TO DO THE RIGHT THING BY YOU? AS FOR THE KIDS, IF THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THE EXPLANATION, THEN TELL THEM. MAKE SURE TO SAY THAT EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES IN LIFE, IT'S HOW YOU MAKE AMENDS FOR THOSE MISTAKES THAT TELL YOU AND OTHERS WHAT KIND OF A PERSON YOU ARE! LET HIM DO THE RIGHT THING, SUPPORT HIM AND DO THE RIGHT THING YOUR SELF, AND LET YOUR CHILDREN ENJOY HAVING A SISTER. HOPE THIS HELPS

LB	ok, well first things first. If he really never knew about her, he needs to have a paternity test done ASAP. Just because her mother claims she is your husband's doesn't mean she is. Once it is confirmed that she is his child I see no reason to keep her a secret from your other children. It would be damaging to all of the children involved to find out much later that you were keeping such a secret from them.

harleychickfatboy	This 14 yr old girl did not ask anyone to bring her into this world. It is not her fault. She should have a relationship with her father and her other siblings and you should not stop it. I think it is selfish on your part to even say that or think it. Her mother was selfish for not telling him in the first place and then keeping her away from him all these years. I think you should welcome her and want her to know her father. Put yourself in his shoes or her shoes how would you feel?

butterfly_2blue	All I can say is it is not the 14 year old daughters fault. She did nothing wrong in the situation. You can be upset with her mother but it is not the childs fault. Try reversing the role and see how you would feel if your kids did not know their father and they wanted to get to know their father. You cannot deny that of them. They have the right to be able to get to know each other just as much as your kids and him do. It will be a hard situtation but you need to stay strong and try and be understanding with the situation. And if there is nothing wrong with the 14 year old than there is no reason why your kids cannot get to know her too. Just try to put yourself in her shoes and try and see how she would feel.

Shannon	its not the kids fault, he should have a relationship with her and your kids should know what if you were the little girl, and your dad didnt want to meet you cause his wife didnt like it

Lindsey	Oh boy this is a difficult one! Right now you are in a state of shock and I don't blame you! You didn't say that this child was conceived during your marriage to your husband. If this is the case than I understand how you feel about your children finding out. But the fact remains that she is here and are you both sure that your husband is the father of this young girl? I would want a dna test to be sure. Please describe in more detail of the situation and I will try to help you latter today sweetie.

Sarissa	i can tell that your not being selfish, but bieng self and family protecting. you don't want your kids or yourself to get hurt and the 14 yr old to not care a zip.. Be honest and compassionate, tell your kids they may hate you now, [we get over it] but they'll hate you more if you don't.. tell your husband how you feel, ask how he feels about all this.. communication [or lack of] can make or break your relationships :)