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My wife tries to control me too much... please help!?
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My wife tries to control me too much... please help!?

Well we have been married 10 years now, and the problem really has become too much... Basically I'm quite a relaxed guy, though not exactly a pushover. However, my wife now tries to control everything. She decides the meals, our outings, what we will watch on TV, how we will decorate the house etc etc... Basically if she wants something, it must be her way whether I like it or not... almost always if I make a suggestion, it has to be her that makes the final decision. It has gotten so bad that she literally decides which clothes I should wear each day, if I refuse then she gets angry and accuses me of being stubborn etc. Somehow I think it is somehow connected to the fact that she has always looked after horses and big dogs, and that she is somehow applying the same techniques of dominance over me... and to be honest, I hate it. I hate the regime she has in the household (almost regimental order), and I hate the fact that somehow my preferences are bascially second to hers. How can I break this completely one sided relationship? All I want is an equel relationship where we can compromise and share decisions and where she is not dominant. We got two children, so leaving her is really not an option.... Sorry for the rant, but it seems like there is much much more to write about this situation! Thanks for any advice...







MrsB
Look, you are choosing to let her treat you this way. I try controlling my husband some times - of course not to the degree your wife is - and he does get stubborn and draws the line and then that is the end of it. You need to ride out the storm on this one. If she throws up a stink because you refuse to conform, let her. She might not talk to you for a couple of days and insult you but it takes a lot of effort to be mad and no one can keep it up forever. Alternatively - you can give her a dose of her own medicine. Keep a list of what she tells you to do and then tell her to do something. If she complains you pull out the list and say well you did the same to me x,y and z and i suggest you either stop treating me this way or get ready because i am going to start treating you exactly the same! Also, you have to stop being dependant on her. There is always an element of dependence that gives her control in the first place. Do not seek her approval of what you wear ever. Do not seek her attentions. Do not let her do things for you because you "can't do them yourself". I'm sure you are more upset because of your fear of getting things wrong rather than her telling you what to do.


Truth_nectar
Rating
You need to learn to set boundaries: personal ones & relationship ones. So, start by reading on these topics. Also it would be good for you to achieve comprehension of power struggles in the context of relationships. But you need help (coaching) to change the dynamics of this relationship and the only way to get that is to either join a co-dependence support group or acquire personal counsel. And, notice that I did not suggest relationship counseling at this time. The reason for that is that, apparently, from her perspective, the status quo is peachy. Translation: she likes things as they are now so why do anything to change things. --- Listen, whether your realize it or not, it takes two, each playing his role for a dynamic to keep going. So, for her to dominate you have to be dominated, get it? So, next time she tries to bully you to wear a certain shirt or eat a certain thing, don't cooperate. Don't fight either. Just do what you want & if she comes at you to push and push or complain, just tell her that this is not some you feel she should be deciding for you & tell her there will be no discussions in the future about what you wear or whatever. This is how one begins to set personal boundaries, get it? You draw certain lines in the sand and rather than fighting over (you do not see the US and Mexico constantly pushing the fronteer where the Tijuana border is, do you?) just stand that line you established _defend and maintain your boundaries without fighting for the right to have boundaries let alone over where those should be. Get it? By the way, unless you do boundary work, even if you end this relationship this sort of thing will keep happening to you. Good luck !!! ;O)~


tweety
Rating
Well I think you let her get away with it for to long she thinks she's not doing nothing wrong you should have stopped it many years ago..But sit her down and in a tactful way let her know that there will be no more 1sided decisions you will also have say what goes on in the house hold it may be hard for her to take at 1st but stick with it, and let her know you have a back bone too.


Myth_Understood
Johnny ... I have some insights that I hope will be helpful, and a few suggestions that will be useful to getting you into a more balanced and equal relationship with your wife. Theres a little bit of tough love thrown in, too, which may sting a little. I want you to check on something for me while you're sitting at your computer reading this. I want you to reach up and put your hand on the back of your neck. Do you feel that hard, bumpy thing that extends from the base of your skull, and goes all the way down the middle of your back? That's your BACKBONE. I wanted you to check to make sure you still have one. Seeing as how you do have a backbone, I have some suggestions to help you exercise yours more. All of your inner strength and masculinity has been totally squashed, shredded and stifled because of the control freak you have married. You even apologized FOR THIS POST, for heaven's sake ... do you not realize that? In all sincerity, people treat us the way we tell them to, verbally and non-verbally. Over the course of your marriage, you have led her to believe that it's perfectly ok to walk all over you. You have taught her that all she has to do is growl at you, and you'll cave so she gets her way. That's the bad news. The good news is that, since you trained her, you can also RE-train her, starting with the very next time you want something, and she tries to do it her way. The next time she wants something that you don't want, just look at her and tell her, 'Not so fast. I want it this way, instead.' When she tries to argue, tell her that your opinion matters, and then count all the things that went HER way (which, you will probably need both hands and your feet to accomplish, so be barefooted when this conversation takes place.) If she raises her voice, lower yours so that she has to stop talking in order to hear you. Then, very calmly and with as much strength as you can muster, look at her and tell her that you're not one of her dogs or horses - you are a man, and you aren't going to be ignored anymore. Keep looking at her, calmly and with no aggression, until she looks away ... and then do the thing your way. If she starts telling you how stubborn you are, turn it back on her, look at her to the back of her skull, and calmly say, "But, Jane, darling ... aren't YOU being stubborn, because YOU want it YOUR way, too?" DO NOT LET HER WIN this time. So flippin' WHAT if she gets angry - she doesn't care if YOU get angry, because you're in here asking how to cope with an angry wife, right? Stare her down. Use dog psychology on her, and wait until she looks away. Even if you get nervous and smile a little, WAIT until she looks away, and then do the thing your way. What I'm about to say now is very profound. At it's core, your whole problem is that you married a control freak - obviously. (Here comes the profound part.) People who are control freaks are actually fearful people. The control is all about fear. Her aggression is all about fear. Her anger is based in fear. Your wife is afraid of ... something, so ask her what she is so afraid of. At some point in the near future, and at a time when you might be discussing how to get YOUR way, it may help to interject at some point in the dialog, "Jane, honey what are you so afraid of'?", and before she can answer that question, ask her who, in her childhood, was so hard on her that she is now doing that exact same thing to you, and to a lesser degree (because she has you to pick on, now), your children. You really do need to get to the root of her fears, and to become stronger yourself. If you could find the inner strength to tackle this problem, your whole marriage and home life will turn around and be more peaceful. *big hug* and I wish you the best of luck. Now, what's that hard, bumpy thing extending down from the back of your skull?? *wink* Good man !!


Kitten
Don't play games with her, in hope she'll get it or read this post. Sit down and talk to her. If she goes in to a hysteric tantrum, write her a letter. She'll be forced to read it without interrupting your train of thought. The point is, you are trying to avoid conflict by giving in to her all the time and at the end you are suffering. Marriage partnership should be equal. If she doesn't care about your needs, she is selfish and only cares for herself. Thus her love for you is selfish love of what you can do for her. It happens, and in many ways is your fault. you allowed it to take place by not standing up for yourself. Sometimes, you have to put your foot down on things that really important to you. That's what compromize is for. If she doesn't talk to you for 3 days, don't talk to her as well. On top of it try to stay out of her way and do let her know that you are unhappy about the whole thing. Rome wasn't built in a day,a nd it will take you some time to reverce the learned behavior. It's possible, but won't happen overnight.


sheryl
Rating
I have to agree with “ELATED” you need marriage counseling, Let her know how serious you are about this and if she won’t go with you, go without her and let her know when and where the appointments are, also look into some books on “Boundaries” It sounds like she’s lacking them and you need to set some. Wish you the best, and know this It is never right to try and control your spouse, that’s bordering on abuse.


E&L
Being a so called relax sort of guy has left her with the necessity of make all the choices. If this is something that bothers you, you should have spoken up years ago since know, after 10 years, it is just a routine the two of you have. Speak to hear about it.


lilstar
Well after all this time it's not going to be easy! you should have put your foot down years ago, not by being the dominant one yourself but by getting a compromise thing going. You will need to talk to her about how her behaviour is upsetting you & discuss how it can be rectified. When she is adamant that she wants a certain thing on telly say, deal with her that you get to choose the next night or something. Likewise a day-trip or mealtimes. Or you plan something in advance & regularly so she can get used to this. Many women like to feel they are running the household when it comes to how it looks/presentation, so unless she has particularly bad taste or very different to yours, I'd say let her have the final say, as long you can still discuss things together. As for the clothes, simply don't wear those ones. If you do, she'll keep doing it.


Hue
Rating
Man up and grow a pair.


What?
Idk maybe try printing out this question(not being a smartass) and leaving it where she can read how you feel. Then sit down with her and discuss everything. It's very possible that she doesn't have a clue that you feel this way and she can't change anything if she isn't given the chance.


A MAN
'It has gotten so bad that she literally decides which clothes I should wear each day' Erm..with all due respect..GROW A PAIR!


lovepreschool
Rating
Maybe if you let her read what you have written here, she'll get the message. Some of us are just "dog eat dog" people. I have somewhat mellowed over the years and I'm not as controlling as I used to be. I remember telling my husband when we first got married, "You'd better stand up for yourself or I will eat you alive." Most of the time, he has let me do things my way, but other times he has put his foot down. It used to surprise me when he'd stand up to me, but we've got most things worked out, finally! Always remember - marriage will never be 50/50. Someone always gives more than the other.


bigtime613
Why can't you just decide to do something you want once in a while and tell her you won't let her control you by calling you stubborn?


Elated
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny...get thyself to a marriage counselor, quick! Try to get her to go with you, but even if she refuses, go without her. You'll learn tools to use to help you manage this problem.


karlyn
Rating
try talking to her :) mine please? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AislrhvW0iF50HUPZ0OrnHbsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100505154641AALq2pr







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