Proposal to Marriage--All or Nothing, what to do?!?
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Proposal to Marriage--All or Nothing, what to do?!?
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It's Christmas Day and my gift from my boyfriend of 2 years gave me an engagement ring. I'm 26 and he's 28 and I'm very wary of marriages, considering the fact that our parents had fought in front of me all of my life. I always think marriage should be an equal partnership whereas if I'm working and making a certain amount of pay, it's only fair if he does the same. Same as emotional: I have to be honest with you just as I expect you to be honest with me.
Here's the problem: If I say yes to him, I know that we don't have to be married right away, especially I'm still in school and possibly hope to get into law school soon. If I say "I'm not ready yet", he will accept that and ask me in a later time. If I say No, he will break up with me, stating that this will confirm that I don't want to be him. I don't love him like you will see in romance novels and whatnot. I care about him deeply and I see him as someone very special to me. Someone I will go anywhere with and do anything with, and trust all my secrets with. I have already told him all of this before how I felt, but he still insist that he wants to be with me. But if I don't take this ring, that is his final straw and he will break up with me. He doesn't want to stay friends either.
He is extremely nice person and does anything for me. He is willing to cook, clean, whatever I ask or need. However, because he live paycheck to paycheck, he is constantly struggling with bills. Sometimes he ends up homeless for awhile until finding a place to live temporarily. When I told him how he is going to afford to marry me (even though I will pay for half the wedding and it's going to be a VERY small wedding) or a family if he can't even take care of himself, his answer was, "Well that's why I need help. I hope to move in with you so that I can get help pay bills and stop moving place to place."
I don't know.. I don't want to take the ring and then say No later. This is it--either I take the ring or I say goodbye to the 2 year relationship that we had. PLEASE HELP, especially those who were married before.
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Barb Outhere
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Sounds like you are only with him because its comfortable, and not because of any "loving feelings".
"Not ready yet", isn't true because it sounds like you won't EVER be ready to marry HIM. " I always think marriage should be an equal partnership..." but he wants "...to move in with you so that I can get help pay bills and stop moving place to place."
Let him go. You are not able to give him what he wants from you, and he's not the one (type) you really want to share the rest of your life with, so living like this isn't being honest. After all you do say "I have to be honest with you just as I expect you to be honest with me.". Tell him the TRUTH, and let your relationship (or its ending) be based in honesty too. This "extremely nice person" should deserve at least that. |
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Pearl
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At 28 years of age, he should be more together than he is. IMHO. he's not in a position to be proposing marriage to anyone, he hasnt grown up yet. (Although I cant honestly see how you propose that you both contribute EXACTLY the same wage to the marriage - what happens if kids come along, or you marry someone with a highly skilled position?)
You dont love him, or see him as a long term partner, he sounds more like a dogsbody to be truthful.
Surely those things clearly point out what your answer should be? |
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DelK
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I second what Mr. Nosey said and add a couple of comments. Not to disparage your experience and knowledge but it is my belief that you might need some help with how you view marriage. You've not had a good example and how we humans react in some situations is determined by how we've seen, in this case, parents act. Your were not a good example. I'd suggest a good counselor or therapist. For one thing, I don't particularly like your thoughts about "only fair" that he must contribute the same amount of money that you do. Marriage is best when it is a partnership but each does not HAVE to contribute the same number of pennies to the pot.
His living paycheck to paycheck is not good AT ALL and that seems to me to be a major league deal-breaker. Money does not cure money problems but management does and if he's not able to manage his money, he sure won't be able to manage the joint pot in a marriage. Marriage has plenty enough problems without you gaining an extra job in managing his money in a marriage. |
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TIMAclaus 3
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I'd go with option B, say you're not ready yet since you obviously don't feel ready yet. |
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india lima foxtrot
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A) No one has love like they have in romance novels. Those are make believe. In real life, we have nights like that sprinkled in with the mundane day to day stuff. My wish is that you learn to love the mundane stuff too.
B) It's smart to consider his finances when you are considering marriage. It's not the only thing to consider, but it's a good idea to think about it.
C) YOU FOUND A MAN WHO COOKS AND CLEANS!!!!! GRAB ONTO HIM NOW!!!!! You two can go to money management classes in the evenings and you can help him see career counselors or get into college, or whatever he needs, but he cooks and cleans for god's sake! |
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Mr. Nosey
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If you cannot accept his proposal with an enthusiastic YES, listen to your heart and tell him you are not ready to do so. You own both him and yourself that. |
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