Where am I going wrong, is he right?

Doc	yes, he is right. if you are not working and he is, you should be putting in an eight hour day at home. otherwise, you're worthless. i wouldn't say you should "love" to clean the house, but it is your JOB to do it.

fecal d	he's the man - obey him or move out

oracleofohio	It really doesn't matter if he's wrong or right. The question is are you happy? Are you in agreement with him? If you're not it's time to make changes to be happier. I'm a sahm with 4 kids and I do some part time work for him and do all the other things you mentioned. He works full time but also pitches in when needed and is totally engaged with the kids as well. We do what works for us. If it's not working, its time to talk about it. Does he pay you for working for him? Is daycare an option? Can you afford to hire cleaning help? Lots of ways to work the details of life out so that everyone is happy. Good luck :)

dawn p	your not wrong and just because you are home does not mean that your job is any easier , i would tell him that you need a little more respect then that and that he should help you with the kids when he gets home .

Crystal D	No, I agree with you. I have the same problem only I work at home plus am a stay at home mom of a 10,6 and one year old.Email me and let me know what others have said at happyhealthymoms@hotmail.com

hungryoneis	No it is the year 2007 and many woman have changed the rolls that is thought woman should play we have fought for our rights and won if you enjoy staying home you have a right to but if you don't want to do "all the above" then change it hire a maid and start up a new hobby but only if that is what YOU want to do

AmericanTofu	There's roles for families, but this one i like to call, lazy-idous. One diiagnosed with this is quite lazy and even stereotypical.

ugotthat	You sound like you live in the South with the love affair of "Stay at Home Mom's". Your husband sounds typical of that. However as an accountant and from a time management perspective he may be right. House bills are due once a month and unless you have a huge number of them that shouldn't take more than a couple of hours every month if that especially with automatic payments. Financial statements come monthly and you can look at those online anytime. Trash is two or three times wekly 15 minutes at most each time. Business invoices are also on a cycle and Quicken or Peachtree can print those out. Envelopes shouldn't take that long depending upon voliume. Payments can come anytime and a quick trip to the bank every other day should suffice depending on your cash flow. Collections can be done every other day. The whole accounting cycle can't take long and you can alway get a answering service. Why can't he make some calls with a cell phone. However there are 2 adults in the home. You didn't have those kids by yourself. Why can't you put the clothes in the washer/dryer and let him fold. He can clean the bathroom and you the kitchen or vice versa. 2 hours max once a week. The kid's rooms shouldn't take that long if you train them to pick up after themselves. Potty training is a group effort and why can't he drop the girl off on his way to work if that's doable. You can pick her up. You guys need to split some of those household chores. What is your dog doing that he needs cleaning up after? Don't you walk him? Take him for the 5am walk.

D J	He is absolutely, positively dead wrong. They said on tv the other day that if a stay at home mom actually got paid a salary, it would be over 150,000 a year. How much does he make in a year? The fact that you also work from home in addition to the other services you provide as a wife and mother makes you much more valuable. From the angle I see it, you are a better "husband" than he is if all he does is prepare a "token" meal once in a while. I've always wondered why, just because he walks out the door in the morning to go to work makes him God when he walks back in!

Nico W	HELL NAA! I think as a woman.. u should be RESPECTED with the utmost RESPECT any woman should ever be treated with. You are doing him a favor.. In spanish what we call what your man is like is a MACHISTA, it means macho type o' guy. One that thinks he owns you and that because he's out gettin paid, u should be doin what he wants.. he's wrong, as a guy, i think he should be thankfull. You give him what he wants right?( im talkin about playtime here) Well, he treats you like that again... you give him that punishment.. No Play time! Who does he think he is ruling you around like that??Dissapointment to the Masculine Race(No disrespect) but i was raised as a gentleman.. Women first..Sheit Later..

livingwell	Wow! It's so tempting to tell you what I really think about what your husband thinks. But, I won't because what really matters is what YOU think. Clearly it's something different than what he thinks, or you wouldn't be asking the question. The point is, there is no "right" or "wrong." What matters is what is right for you and how you negotiate for what you want in your marriage and family. You have to know what you want and be willing to stand by that. You're not a child. You're not a slave. You are an adult with freedom of choice. Currently, you're choosing to live by your husband's rules - a choice that leaves you very vulnerable to being controlled, abused and physically violated. What I find interesting are the following phrases from your question: 1) "My husband owns a small business" So, you're married but it is "his business" and you "run the office?" hmm... 2) "I have a 3yr old & 5 yr old ... MY 5 yr old ... " Are they only YOUR children, or are you & your husband both parents of the two children? 3) You described your day & your responsibilities, but you didn't say what time your husband's day begins and how much work he does each day, and what else he does with his free time. 4) "MY HUSBAND SEEMS TO THINK ... " 5) "HE EVEN SAYS ... " 6) "HE SAID IT IS ... " 7) "IS HE RIGHT?" Find YOUR voice. Slavery ended in the 1800s. Also, see the link below for a recent article called "Stay-at-home momâ€™s work worth $138,095."

KC	No hun... Let him stay home with that child for one week... Moms job isn't what he thinks it is... Also tell him to stay home take care of ur job do everything he told u to do... and TAKE care of the KIDS... tell him JUST ONE WEEK!!! Lets see how much house work he gets done... other than that tell him to buzz off... ur right hunn... thats a LOT of responsibility....

melouofs	To me it depends on how much time he spends away at work. My fiance works many times from 9AM until 10 PM, so I really wouldn't expect him to come home and clean when I'm home by 5...it depends on both of your schedules, but that does not mean you pick up after him and I really don't understand the comment about your kids dying....so if your children died, and you were a proper woman, your love of housework would fill the void left by your dead children????? I've never heard such an absurd remark.

TN Seeker	I'm male and it's my theory: You eat and wear clothes, you wash dishes and do laundry, but he doesn't always have to be the one who mows the lawn either. Raising children is the responsibility of both of you. He ought to get used to that NOW, with the potty training. I think you should consider how much time is required of him to spend away from home doing the business. I would have a difficult time making a clear decision about what's right in your situation. But, I'd say if you're asking then the two of you need to talk about it. He may not realize what work load you are balancing. Talk about it when everything is calm between you; not if/when you're mad about it.

JavaQueen	A clean house is important, you both live there and you both should do your share. It is important to teach your children by example. If your children see that keeping up the house is not important enough to make time for, then how can the respect your home and help keep it clean? If he/you want one to be responsible for cleaning then hire a maid. It isn't fair to have one solely responsible if you both have jobs. Good luck

notso_recoveringwino	So basically, you work full time and are a full time stay at home mom to boot! Kudos to you!! Sounds like your husband likes having the position of authority and wants to be your "boss" 24/7. Do you ever get a day off?? From either job?? I did the same for a very long time and then one day I just woke up in the morning and decided~~I am not the only parent, I am not the only one who lives here, if I wanted to be a single stay at home mom, I would be, AND~~with a little more freedom to take an occassional break. You need to have your husband walk a mile in your shoes. I think my husband thought that because I COULD do it all, that I should do it all, but I was tired, and most of all, unhappy. After talking with my husband, he does share more responsibility and I am a full time nursing student, also, I babysit, so I do have a small income. YOU have to be YOU not just ~~his wife, the office manager and their mom. Pick one or two nights a week that are for you only. Go to a bookstore, meet a friend, try on bras, anything~~but without hubby or kids. You will be amazed at what a few hours of alone time will do for you AND your kids and husband!!! Good luck!!

jonthecomposer	It just depends on how much he does. If he does more than you, yeah. If he doesn't, then he should help out. I'd just suggest trying to be happy and not to compare yourselves (both of you). It solves a lot of problems when you don't "add up" what the other one does.

Osiris	I see queestions like this all the time. And it is a "take my side question." Perhaps you should start by appreciating what you have because the life you are describing is a dream to many of the less fortunate. To be able to water a lawn, to be able to take care of your children and not have to throw them into daycare where they are not looked after. It doesn't matter what your husband thinks, but you have children to raise and think about. You made sacrifices the minute you had children. I would be more appreciative of what you have, then what you don't have. Stop trying to play a game of who is right. You both have points that are probably right and some that are not. When you start forming sides, you will destroy your marriage. Think before you speak. And if you have to speak to complain don't speak. I promise you, it is not worth WHAT YOU WILL LOSE.

kittykat	I believe a woman's place is in the home and if you dont have to do extra work and your husband makes enough money then the house and kids should be your focus. I also believe that when it comes to raising kids the father should be involved as much as possible esp if you have sons. You need to let your husband know that little boys left to be raised by women will be more like a daughter at 16 then a son.

hbuckmeister	I will stay fair to the both of you. Your husband may of been brought up with that mentality. He goes to work, you do the housework. If you are feeling overwhelmed with everything at home TELL HIM. Its a hard job to be a stay at home mom, Its not like you are on the couch eating bon bons and watching tv all day. You are doing work to. I think you need to sit your husband down and find a compromise. You can't do this by yourself. It does not mean you can't handle it. It means, its his kids to. If he wants wife happy, then he needs to pitch in. He also needs to show more appreciation for you and your job. You need to show appreciation for his work to. Tell him that you need him to show more support around the house. Tell him that you know he works, but you work to. He is not right in my opinion, you by any means are not his maid. That, is what YOU are allowing him to make you as well. I know you love your kids and I know you don't mind doing these things for your family, but it is his kids to. Never, let a man tell you what you should love to do. Your question was very well written, did you ever consider writing Dr. Phil? Im not even joking.

Monte T	Uh no.....I am a man he just wants to be taken care of. I do my best to pitch in where i can.

Lydia	Yes. You are very lucky to be a SAHM! Be grateful you have this opportunity, and your husband who makes it possible.

demetria_nyree	No, he is wrong. As parents you are both responsible for household duties and the rearing of the children. You are supposed to parent together. What he does not realize is that you are working all day. You are tired too. He should get more involved. By the way, It is easier for a man to potty train a boy than a woman. I have a son and daughter. He needs to help out more.

dadgonewild	In his world, he's right! But we don't live in his world .............. What about you? Do you live in his world or do you live in yours? Be careful, next thing you know he'll be telling you to use it with the toilet seat up!

Lisa E	NO he's not right. Parenting is a 2 person job. He's making excuses! Don't be so selfish, girl! Let HIM have some of the joy of doing laundry and cleaning the house. After all, if his kids died tomorrow...he'd wish he could have done more for them! (wink)!

johanne	From my point of vue a marriage is 50/50, so where exactly does he do is share? You know guys are like that , they are raised by women who did everything and expect us to do the same. I am 45 and my husband and I got married 6 years ago. We dated for one year. When we got married we discussed the options of kids and decided to try, BUT and that is a big BUt, before we got pregnant we agreed that it would be a full time job and that we BOTH had to do something about it. And I got pregnant. He was very helpful while I was pregnant and he is been that way since our son was born 5 years ago. I have a home daycare and he gets up every morning and cleans the kitchen and mops the floor, while I get ready, and clean the rest of the house, We have a rule that if I cook he cleans and vice versa. I think you are spoiling your husband and you should tell him that you won't be doing it anymore. And by the way, just tell him to go get a life when he tells you if your son was to die, why would he say something like that. There's some days I want to be anywhere but in the house with my son, doesn't make me a bad mother. Anyways, you will have to stand up for yourself and it seems to me that you are doing 99% of the work. If you've been doing that for a while ( which is usually the case with women these days ) then good luck in changing his mind about the way your house should be taking care of....

lady31	sounds like a real winner that you have there. HE NEEDS TO HELP

Bert	marriage is to help each other out, tell him how you feel, and how much you do, do it nicely, pray, prayer opens the door for God to work in our lives.....Jesus loves you

brian M	No he is not right. You are doing more than one job - ofc for his business and household duties. If he won't help out insist on outside help - daycare, weekly housecleaner or someone to do yardwork - anything that will help. Good luck!! PS, if you are asking if he is right I suspect he is somewhat controlling since he has you doubting yourself. trust how you feel and tell him - your opinion counts too!!