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Why is it soo hard to leave an abusive (physically, emotionally, financially) husband.?
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Why is it soo hard to leave an abusive (physically, emotionally, financially) husband.?

Why is it soo hard. I feel like my two best friends are soo sick of hearing me whine. But no matter how close I get I chicken out. No job no stability....sometimes here seems better. I would rather live in chaos than move in with relatives and be uncomfortable or cause anyone else discomfort. I feel like why make others suffer for my mistakes. I don't want me or my children to be anyone elses burden. But...I'm sooo tired of carrying this cross. No one knows not family not friends, just my best friends. They say leave...well yeah but why is it soo hard. Why do you wake up wanting that person to just say sorry and mean it this time. To not be selfish! I think it will never happen... but find myself still waiting and wanting.
Aghhh How do I get my nerve up and go! I've never even called the cops on him for the abuse. He's either not let me or I've chickened out. I can't tell you how many police stations I have walked into hiding bruises under my clothes and just couldn't do it! WHY?

Please, Please get help now. I have been in your situation. It won't get better. Call a shelter, get out and call the police after you get out. Let your family and friends help. Let the county help with financial aid and job training. That's part of what you pay taxes for. You deserve so much better and so do your children. Your husband needs help and if you still love him, take yourself and your kids out of harms way and let the law deal with him. The courts will see to it that he gets the kind of counseling that he needs.

no matter what is going on in your life ..dont matter if you are with him or not join alanon great group and it will help you find your self have other woman going thought the same thing and you will find out you are not crazy.......also if you are still with him maybe you are still holding onto the hope he will change...you need to change for that to happen and take astand for yourself...

because you are a battered women and he has brain washed you in thinking you cant do anything with out him. and that's so not true, in reality it is them who cant do anything but abuse the weakest person around them that's why they feel like they have control. it's a huge control thing not that it makes it small, this is a serious situation you are in. and yes you should leave, if you don't want to go with friends or family talk to a social worker and she will get you into a battered women's shelter right away. you will get counseling for you and kids help filing papers for child/spousal support. food for you guys and even a place to go after you start healing many women have done this . and you will see that after the shock wears off and you are around women that have and are going through the same thing you are it's so healing and you realize what took me so long? don't ruin your life any longer or your kids you can do this. you are strong enough to lie to how many people about him abusing you? this will be so much easier if you give it a shot. you will be glad you did . good luck, i hope i helped you a little..

you have most likely been told you could never survive over and over. this is his way of making you stay.
but you can make it.
sometimes you think you caused it, but he might be mad about someone else that he is scared of, but he is not scared of you so he'll take it out on you.
if you can't leave, then find a way to whip heck out of him.
maybe tie him in sheets, and take cooking pan and show him your bad side. but get ready to run, or get tough.

sabrina s
OMG! stop thinking about yourself!! you have children to think about! what dont you understand! Im sorry, im being mean but when you have children involved they think that it is alright for "daddy" to hit and control you. & unfortuately if your daughter sees that she'll think that is what a husband is "supposed 2 do" & if your son sees that he will do it to the next female & they will end up in your predicament... if you love your children move on.. never depend on a man to give you want you wantt.. for gods sake children are involved not just urself! just think about it.. im 15 years old & im telling you this that should be common sense.. sorry but thats the way it is... please leaveee! or ill be very saddddd

Debbie Downer
You don't want to leave him because you think that deep down, somewhere in him, is the sweet man you fell in love with. You don't want to cause him harm because you still love him, but I'm sorry to say he doesn't love you anymore.

If he loved you, he wouldn't hit you. If he loved you, he would want what's best for you, even if that meant leaving him.

You think that he's trying to get better, but he's not. You think that he WILL get better, that this is just a phase, but its not.

You are under the impression that he's still a good person. But. He's. Not.

You don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by living with them, but the truth is, you're making them uncomfortable by not having you live with them if they know what's going on. You're making them worry, you're making them sad. I know what you mean, though. My mother is somewhat abusive, but I don't want to pack a suitcase and leave because, A) She's my mother, and, B) I don't want to be a burden on my friends. But you have to leave.

You need to get police protection from him, because he won't take this lightly. You need to cut him out of your life, because he's only hurting you. Things will only get worse, so get out now.

When he's gone one day, just get everything together and pack everything up and take your kids to a friend or relative's house. And if you don't want to feel pressured by time, call the police first and have them take him somewhere so you have all the time in the world to leave.

Please, please, please take what I said seriously. It will really change your life. And in 10 years, you'll have wisened up and learned a lot, and you will have been able to see exactly what was wrong.

I wish you only the best. Please email me and tell me how things went. I want to know that you aren't hurt.

No matter what anyone here says to you - you know in your heart you are just going to stay because you think he'll change, get better, is always sorry. Im sorry but I had a friend who almost died at the hands of the guy she married - he stabbed her one time after many years of physical, emotional abuse - it took this to finally make her see sense. This is a power and control freak babe - thats not love. Get out, and find out what life really is all about - and believe me, its not what youre doing now. Its tough and scary, but im sure you have friends and family who will only support you and say, its about .......time. Go to it!

O.K., I've heard enough about your feelings here. Since you don't want to let go of that b------ maybe someone should call protective services on you for aiding your husbands abuse to your children and even if he's not touching them, they see or hear him abusing you...they are being abused. Smarten up and get to a shelter with those innocent kids now! He will be that way with every woman, he lies, and is a batterer...PERIOD! And this will progress, maybe you'll get to live if he decides.

I was married to an abusive man. We were young when we married and he was my best friend but after time he became angry with everything or so it seemed to me. Everyone loved him and he was always the one making everyone laugh but behind closed doors he was the exact opposite. I can't tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep praying I'd wake up and he'd be the man I married but it just doesn't work that way. He was the only life I knew and as awful as it was, I was afraid of entering a life I didn't know. It seemed easier to deal with life as I knew it. I didn't work, his family was my family and why would anyone want me anyway. At least that's how I felt then. It wasn't until he backhanded me to the floor right in front of my son while we were decorating a Christmas tree that I was strong enough to say that was all I was taking. I seen the look in my son's eyes and knew I never wanted to see him so afraid of his own father or so angry with him at the same time. I didn't want my son to grow up thinking if you say you love someone then it's ok to hit them. Once a man starts to abuse you, he knows he can and no matter how many times they say I'm sorry or it won't happen anymore; they know you won't do anything to stop it. Please think about this, I was lucky enough to get the strength to walk away. I have or had someone who wasn't so lucky. She was killed by her abusive spouse and her baby was left without either parent since he is now in prison. If not for you, then think about it for the sake of your children.

my adult son told me i should have left my husband and got into any shelter i could for abused women and children .don't think that they should continue school in the same place or any of the thoughts that you have... your number one priority is getting them out. I speak from experience when i say this. Don't put yourself in a position for the children to say that you were a bad parent for not caring enough about them to get them out.and look back in regret that you never got to enjoy the motherhood relationship between your children and you. God wishes happiness upon u.

la buena bruja
You really need to focus on your children. If your husband beats you, how long do you think it will be before your children get hit? How do you think your abuse affects your children? You are being extremely selfish by subjecting your children to this kind of abuse on a daily basis. If you're worried about imposing on relatives and friends, go to a shelter until you can get back on your feet. You need to press charges against your husband so he can be put in jail. He's not going to change without massive help, and maybe not even with that. Wishing that he'll say he's sorry isn't going to make it happen. Start caring for yourself and and your children.

New England Babe
People do change, being a woman and a mother you are having a hard time separating the man you fell in love with and the man you are living with now. That is OK, you will do it when you are ready. You wake up every morning praying for that sorry because you want the man you fell in love with back.

If you safely can call your local battered women's hot line and tell them the truth of your entire situation and get there advice. Let them know you want to take care of yourself and your children without the help of family and friends and see what they can offer you.

What ever it is that you have to do (when you are ready) as long as your children aren't in danger than you will find the strength to do it.

Good luck!

i think its because you dont want to be alone. and that because youve married them that they love you, but no matter how much he might say he does, i dont see how he can, with abusing you. do you want to take the risk of him turning on your kids?

im sure that you can look up in the phonebook a shelter for abused women

but please, PLEASE get out now!

i really hope that you get out ok and that everything is good

It is hard for you to leave him because he has gotten you to feel lowly of yourself...that is what the abuse is! Once you are able to leave him, you will get your self-respect back.. He makes you feel like that so you will RELY on him and NOT leave him...Please, leave him no matter what...life is not worth living with an *** like that!

This relationship is not only slowly destroying you physically and emotionally, but it will permanently damage your children (if it hasn't already). Think of them, and get out.

Johnny Wadd
Wow, you sound exactly like someone I know. But in my opinion there's 2 reasons. (And you are definitely not the only female I've heard this story from)...so back to my 2 reasons why you can't leave

1 - You hate the thought of being alone. Some women would rather be in an abusive relationship than no relationship at all. Sad, but true.

2 - He must be good looking. I've personally heard women talk to other women and tell them NOT to leave their husbands, why?, because he is "HOT" looking, and makes a lot of money. It doesn't matter he cheats on her, abuses her, etc, etc. As long as he's hot looking, that's all that matters.

I believe women believe that being in a relationship is some kind of a higher status symbol. It may be an abusive relationship, but it's better than no relationship. And their girlfriends are in relationships, so they have to be.

Again, these are only my opinions. I am not doctor and not an expert at any of this, just answering your question.

Look into your children's faces and then you will see the answer to this question. Abuse is a cycle that is learned from one generation to the next. If you have boys then you are allowing them to be taught how to treat women. If you have girls then you are allowing them to be taught that it is normal and okay for men to treat women this way. Is this the life that you want for them as adults?? I really do not think that it is. If you go to your family you are only going for a hand up not a hand out. They love you and will understand that you needed to protect you and your kids. You only have to stay long enough to get on your feet and get your own place to live. You may not be able to do this for you but you must do it for your kids. If you love them as much as I think you do it will be easier than you think. Good Luck

It's really sad, but a lot of people go through this. I believe that it is Fear of rejection or failure and they hang onto what is theirs, and they loose their self confidence, and independance and become dependant on the abuser. It's a really sad situation for all of those whose people are in this type of a situation. I have a very close friend who is a man, and he was married for 14 years, he is handicapped and in a wheelchair. When she would get mad at him she would throw his wheelchair out in their front yard, and then go in the house and beat him with whatever she could find. One day, My husband and I stopped by to visit him and we found him on the floor, his face was bleeding because she hit him with a baseball bat. Needless to say, he came to live with us for a while, and now he has been divorced from her for 7 years, and it's wonderful to see him happy again. Abuse doesn't just happen to women, it can happen to men too. So, if you are a woman or man who is being abused, rethink the situation you are in, and remember hands are not for hitting and if your partner abuses you, walk away. You deserve better!

Timothy W
omg you are so much better than that ! ! ! leave him and dont look back you will not be a burden you have to pick up the pieces somehow. dont put up with it ! ! my husband knows if he ever hit me he would go down. YOU ARE A WOMEN AND SO STRONG YOU CAN DO IT.

Ang 22
I think you need help. And you know, there are sooo many people and agencies out there, who dedicate their life to helping other people out. Especially if you have children, you need to get them out of that sort of atmosphere. WHat you need to do is help yourself first, you must understand that people dont change, especially if he is beating you. You need to feel right with yourself and know that you deserve better and not to be treated like that, no one does. You need to go to your local police and start to report these incidents. You need to start documenting what happens, things to support you with getting your kids...
Things will be hard in the first few months of getting away, but think of what a brighter future you will have if you find someone who generally cares about you. :)
Dont chicken out, you need to start acting..

b/c he has broken you down so much that you end up thinking you are worthless. my mom's ex- was insane! he put a chain and a lock on the fridge which he only had a key to, he had his g/f and her kids move in with them and he locked my brothers in their room until my sister got home from school. the man even slept with his gun on his belt!

a word of advice. once you do leave you need to leave for good and never look back. have no contact with this man, if you have to get a restraining order against him. I've seen this before my mom used to run a shelter for battered and abused women and children here in Massachusetts.

If the thought of your children having to grow up around an abusive a*sshole won't prompt you to remove them and yourself from this situation, nothing ever will. I pity them.

I think the reason why women do not leave physical/emotionally abusive partners is 1.) they think that they can change the partnet 2.) the partner might change or 3.) they are afraid of what the rest of the world will think about them. Personally I do not know what I would do in a situation like this. You have children, so think about what is best for the children. Also, you have to understand that no one has the right to treat you this way. If your partner is this way towards you who knows that he will do to the children. Call the police, do not let this lagg on, do not wait...take charge. Even if you have to live with relatives/friends for a few weeks they will surely understand. It is hard for a woman to speak out depending on her culture but this is North America (I'm in Canada) and no one can do this to you and you should not feel ashamed. Stay a couple of nights with your friends/family. Break into your savings and leave. If it is a joint account then break into that too! You need financial security and personal security for both yourself and your children. Be strong! do not chicken out because you cannot change him, he will not change by himself either.

Are you going to wait until it is too late? How will that help your children? You owe it to your children to teach them that all relationships are not like this. By staying, you are teaching them that this type of behavior is OK. Do you really want to do this? No amount of money or financial security makes this worth it. PLEASE do this ASAP. Your family will be proud of you.

You need to see a counselor. Call a hot line and get a referral to a local one. You won't be sorry, they are there to help you. 1-800-799-7233

I think if you didn't have to depend on him for money then you would be more in tune to leave. It's hard to leave when your not working and you have children you need to take care of. You know him best so tell him you want to start working and give him a reason he will agree to. If you don't want to leave the kids alone with him then tell a family member that can help you do this or your friend. When you start working you will have more confidence and be more independent so it will make things a little easier. You may not have as much but at least you will have peace and it will be worth it. I hope this helps. You deserve better and you will be ok.

I have a friend and you have the same situation..You cant leave him because you still love him, because if you guys are not fighting hes sweet but when hes mad he hits you..But you need to stand on your words!If you really wnat to leave him then go!Hes not the only guy in the world..Hes not worth it!! You should leave him now! you just dont know the next time he'll hit you he might kill you as well, and if he hits you the first time hell do it again and again

Twinkie Thief
the fear of the unknown is scaryier than the bruiser that is beatin ya.....

Care Bare
Simpliest way to put it.....love.

Love is blind babe, sorry to say, it's gonna be hard. Really really hard, but you DO need to get outta that relationship.

Jason K
3 words. JUST DO IT.

thats haw i have done everything in life, by just doing it.

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